Relationship chnage and autism I would need some advice

Hy to everyone here.. Im Nina and im new here. Im In a relationship with a very great man since nearly 3 years.. 

He seemed very quircky and lovely and he took me as i was.. We were in a long distance relationship for about two years.. He lives in a small flat.. But last years end we decided to try to move in together.. So i moved to him.. He warned me from the beginning it would be to small for two and he needs his space.. But as we ladys think love conkers all and it will be ok somehow... 

Well what i had to deal with where a few meltdown and him getting very distant and withdrawn and not opening up.. Many issues I did discover and let's say the real him wich i still love to bits.. I tried to give him space and make it work by doing every little thing.. And it just got worst... And he finally was diagnosed with autism asperger specifically... He still doesn't accept it. But he says it is how he is whatsoever they call it.. Well there was two years that person wich was very loving and affectionated and now he became a withdrawn scared person wich doesn't seem to like physical contact very much.. He said it is just due to the living situation we are in. So i decide to move back home.for the sace of this relationship.. He is a very nice and caring guy and I wouldn't want to miss him in my life.. So i will be back home Save some more until we can affort a proper space. 

When we discussed it he said he liked beeing with me but in that space it is not bearable for us 2..he is working a lot. Doing his master and had to deal with me.. 

I just thought if I go back I somehow can safe the relationship befor I ruin it completely.. And i just want to know if there is a chance that he will be kind of like befor again.. More I hope it will be.. I know a lot happened.. And the way he is now.. Might also be the real him.. He has now certain ways. He doesnt like full hugs as it seems. And when he kisses you he doesn't really want to hug.. Or the other way around.. Im so confused.. Because he was so close always and now seems so far like a distant and other person. 

Sorry for the long story 

Parents
  • Hi

    Sorry to hear you're in this position.

    If he lives on his own, he'll have a very specific way of doing things that allow him to live in his space - anyone impinging on that space will be creating chaos in his world that he has to grit his teeth to accept.     It's also difficult to suddenly accept that you're Aspergers after years of going through life thinking you were ok but just having some difficulties with life.

    Work will be stressful for him if he interacts with people so home is his safe-haven - so if it is not a peaceful calm place, he has nowhere to go to de-stress.  

    He has to understand himself a bit more and understand why he behaves the way he does so he can create a new way of dealing with you which incorporates his Asperger's.

    You need to be very calm and clear with him and talk about things.   Do not put any emotion or 'love' into your chat - these are abstract concepts that he will have difficulty quantifying in something rational that he can discuss.    Be very clear and understanding - maybe even e-mail him so he has time to formulate a proper answer without the stress of a face-to-face discussion.

    Good luck with it all.

  • Thank you very much for your answer.. You are totally right with everything.. 

    At the moment it seems like a mask came off and this is how he seem to be.. I don't know how to talk to him about or if I even should. Like yesterday when I met him on my way home outside with a friend.. He was so like he would talk to me with a guy.. Wich made me feel weird and sad. So i went home.. And said that im confused he wasn't like this.. And he said that was normal, how should I behave? I was nice he said.

    Wich made me think.. That that very affectionate person he was whilst we were apart. Even when we stayed together max for a month or 2..before seems to be gone.. 

    I don't know if its because of the situation we are in or if that was a mask and he just wanted to give me everything.. And now..im confused.. 

    So I hope the distance will help.. He said we need the space after this to appreciate each other again.. I was the first relationship he lived together with and he said he didn't regret it just the space drives him mad.. 

    And i know.. Now work will pick up.. He does two jobs until December from August onwards. Finishes his master in acoustic. It might be all to much that i did put on him.. Like you said.. He had to share space. His first own bought flat..

  • What normally happens is we realise we are a bit different in our teens so we create a mask so we can pretend to be normal and fit in with everyone else - often as a self-defence mechanism to protect us from bullying.

    This mask works well while we are on our own but when we get into a relationship, we don't have a proper plan to modify our mask to incorporate an extra person into our lives.   There's also a HUGE risk of opening ourselves up to someone else - especially if we've been bullied in the past.  Admitting our own needs means dropping our mask and letting someone into our inner self.    

    The problem is other people are a bit random and it's difficult for us to understand their actions - especially if they don't appear logical or sensible.  It causes us extreme stress to work with that level of chaos.

    You need to be very open and clear with that is going on for you and ask him about what problems he's having and how you can help him get through it all.

    If he's good at what he does, work can be a retreat where he can ignore the outside world because he has that portion of his life under control - it's when work finishes that his problems occur when he has to consider real-life again..

Reply
  • What normally happens is we realise we are a bit different in our teens so we create a mask so we can pretend to be normal and fit in with everyone else - often as a self-defence mechanism to protect us from bullying.

    This mask works well while we are on our own but when we get into a relationship, we don't have a proper plan to modify our mask to incorporate an extra person into our lives.   There's also a HUGE risk of opening ourselves up to someone else - especially if we've been bullied in the past.  Admitting our own needs means dropping our mask and letting someone into our inner self.    

    The problem is other people are a bit random and it's difficult for us to understand their actions - especially if they don't appear logical or sensible.  It causes us extreme stress to work with that level of chaos.

    You need to be very open and clear with that is going on for you and ask him about what problems he's having and how you can help him get through it all.

    If he's good at what he does, work can be a retreat where he can ignore the outside world because he has that portion of his life under control - it's when work finishes that his problems occur when he has to consider real-life again..

Children
  • I know i did focus to much. That was one of the problems of this living situation... I forgot myself because I thought I could make up for the space and situation with doing all. And i just realised it is not who I was or who I wanted to be nor who he got to know in the beginning wich freaked him out to.. I lost practically my carefree happy side.. 

    .. But als I am thankful for many new friends I made..

    I had this tipical few of a relationship in my mind get married move in in a house have kids.. Because it is what I saw.. I had a horrible relationship before of 9 years and drama and abuse aswell..

    What I realised now.. I need to be happy and I want a relationship wich goes together nothing has to be perfect or a certain way.. Just be happy together... I have a good job and I came far in my career as a chef. I got great people in my life wich support me... What i really want is probably happiness and to share it with someone special along the way.. 

  • You very much focus your energy on him. 

    I'm wondering what you would like to have in your life (work, social, leisure & pleasure) and the picture of the future you hope for yourself? 

    Be as free as you can let yourself be when imagining it and don't contract your thoughts to fit what you know about your partner. 

  • I saw a really great person with a warm smile who was very honest and genuine when I met him... He seemed to be vanished.. And i just want him to be somehow a little bit that happy again. 

    And despite everything we always enjoyed the time we had in the past with each other. So there might be a future if  he ever gets comfortable and obens up.. Wich will take a lot of patience and support from my side i suppose .. 

  • You seem very considerate of his problems - I hope it all works out for you.  Smiley

  • He is a really great guy and worthy of beeing treated properly 

  • I thought in the end now that that is the reason why he is so.. And decided to rethinking everything and focus on what is important to show him that I do care and support him and that i never will do anything bad to him. So when he thinks about me it will be happy thoughts and hopefully trust in the future.. Im sure one day he will be able to open up. And i try to give him the comfort and happy place he needs

  • Reading between the lines, it's clear that he's been very badly abused in previous relationships and all you can do is try to understand where he's coming form and help him through the difficult bits.    Your way of being constant and predictable will give him the confidence to open up to you.

    Once he can be sure you're not going to muck him about, he'll be ok.

  • But after the diagnosis... And him finally telling me whats going on.. The real him seems to be popping out now.. Conformable more but scared and very careful.. I want to support him.. And that we have a future.. 

  • It was so confusing because I didn't know what was wrong with him in the beginning and I didn't understand why he was hurting me.. And behaving certain way wich made me react very emotional and crying a lot.. Wich he on the other end didn't understand and also why he is so to me confused him.. 

    I was grumpy and moody because he didn't ever explain what was really going on I expected him to not love me anymore because he had a hard time saying it recently. At all everything emotional.. So i had the weirdest thoughts in my head why.. And he lied to me that he went on a work week wich was actually him escaping to a other country to a friend to recharge from all of this.. After i found out he was somewhere else.. I felt hurt because he still didn't want to tell me why he did that. It was even his birthday where he preferred to run away and be in a foreign country than with me or his family.. I felt like he cheated or something.. My trust was kind of broken.. Thats why i had it hard to be happy

  • Good plan - from his point of view, moaning in not productive - he'll want to solve problems and move on - he'll see things as problems that need fixing simply and quickly - it's likely that you will need longer to come around to the solution he comes up with because of your emotional needs.  

    He would much prefer smiles and fun rather than being reminded of bad things.  Enjoy the fun side.

  • That is what I expected because his explanation was not really clear why he is like that. And he doesn't seem to know..he just said he trys to work on it. And. My fault was it to have not ben very patient because it made me stressed to and than you always want answers..

    I see what you mean now.. I try since a while to just have a great time with him.. Means let him be not ask for re assurance in stuff and he seems to be a bit more happy now and open. He even decidet to spend last night with me on a movie than goe with his friend wich would be unthinkable a month ago to his escape of the flat moode.. I think the space will be a good idea. And than we can start slowly in a better future together... Thank you very much for the advice.. And i will try to be patient and more understanding and things will change by its own not me wanting it.. I let him come to me and I try to be supportive and make our time we will spend together filled with good memories not with sad faces and moaning. 

  • We tend to get overloaded and overwhelmed in loud/bright/chaotic places.    You may have got to a point in the relationship with him where he's been hurt in the past.    He is probably having a lot of stress and feeling very vulnerable - in the place where he normally gets abused - so he's in new territory.   

    I can only suggest you be reassuring and patient with him.    Indulge his interests and have a great time.

    Enjoy your holiday with him.  Smiley

  • I thought about that but I couldn't see any museums of motorbike. He also loves the sea side thats why i booked a weekend in whitby to get a bit away.. It would be great if I find a motorbike museum somewhere on the way

    He doesn't really like going to gigs or bands due to his job. He is really long in it and he hates the noise weirdly but he likes it when he is in the zone and does the sound checks and stuff. He always says he is to old for that now and he doenst like it. But he loves sitting and producing on his mixing desk....

    He likes museum kind of but he loves animals and zoos aswell.. But also always the issue if something Is to crowded. He is easy overwhelmed by it. 

    What also concernd me that he said he is confused about everything and his feelings.. Also the physical withdrawal.. He now sleeps always on his side in the corner in the bed where he normally used to roll over and hug me.. Everything seems gone and him always scared about stuff. And when I try to speak about hit.. He will say don't be sill and than hugs you. 

  • It's likely his hobbies have been used against him in the past and he's been ridiculed for his interests - his hobbies are very, very personal to him so it's the ultimate risk to let you in - you see it in his hesitation.   Are you able to take him to a bike museum?     Something like Brooklands or Beaulieu?  Something where he can get a huge bike fix where he can show his knowledge to you and you can demonstrate your interest by talking about the bikes with him.

    It will show that you're 'on his wavelength' so your position will jump up in his estimation.   He will see you as a better match.

    Also going out with him to bands he likes will help him see you as a good thing in his life.

    Does he like any other nerdy museums?   There's lots around and it's very nice for us to be able to wallow in our interests - it's very comforting! Smiley

  • Well he is a sound engineer and he loves music and produces it to for bands.... Also he loves motorbikes. He recently got his back... Wich he loves to modify to his liking..

    I do love music to and also my mum was a total motorbike addict so we do have some similar interests.. But he seems to hold back if you ask.. Hr can talk about stuff he likes but you see him thinking to not talk to much about.. Besides that.. He just loves being outside sometimes or watch stuff and documentary on the telly.. Most things we did together.. But because of that situation at the moment and living space he wants to be more alone.. And also because im leaving in 4 weeks he tries on the other side be as good as he can to me... We booked a weekend away next week at the seaside because I did hope if I get him out of the situation and the place we might be able to talk on a neutral ground and maybe he enjoys the time together a bit again like we did befor.. 

    Because I can't really reach him at the moment.. He still is very withdrawn but trys to be close to me in his way

  • From what you say, it's no wonder he's having difficulties with relationships and he's probably trying very hard to work out what's real and what isn't.   His mask will include lots of rules about how people interact and how they should treat each other - this will be in massive conflict with how he has been treated previously so he'll be all mixed up.

    His sister marrying has probably put a whole load of new rules into his system that he's having difficulty rationalising - trying to measure if he should be doing the same thing and is it something he really wants.    

    Does he have any passionate hobbies that you can indulge him with?   If you spend a weekend doing his hobbies - with you joining in - he will be open to chatting about other things because he will be in a 'low stress' mode.   All the noise in his head will be quiet while he's doing his hobby.so he'll be receptive to new ideas and opening up to you.

  • Well sadly not. He doesn't like his dad.. He left his mum when he was 6..he is the youngest and has 3 siblings. 

    He didn't talk to his dad for 12 years and was bullied by his second girlfriend to talk to him again after she discovered his dad was rich.. He left his family because of the money wich was more important than his kids and wife... And his mum. Has a partner now wich is a bit like him but they live in 2 flats separately and see each other 3 times a week.. His mum brought all 4 kids up on there own.

    She is also very specific and told me she might be ocd.. 

    He told me he had to brush the carpet when he was small or line up chips on a tray... 

    And when once a week they had to be with there dad. He was just sleeping and left them doe what they want in the house.. So not really a good start... 

    But still he turned out very decent and wants to earn everything by himself. I just thought if the relationship he had would have been better.. He wouldn't be so fighting against it sometimes.. 

    His mum is also very nice and i like her a lot..

    Last year his sister married and he started thinking about family and stuff to. But now.. Everything is not a thing at the moment 

  • Sounds like he needs prompting because he has no experience of a normal relationship.This might be good because it allows you to grow together and forge a new path.

    You need to be careful that you don't end up being his substitute mother where he lets you do everything for him without him committing to a real, meaningful relationship with you.  

    Are his parents together?   Their relationship will be the basis for his model of how things work - open, giving commitment might be a new concept for him.

  • It is already hard. And i did feel like he doing all this to just get me on the edge.. He is wounded I just said once my coworker did drive me home.. Because it was late and his way to his family was our street.. And he got angry and was like so you are doing something with him.. I said why are you saying that.. 

    He knows I'm very loyal to him.. No matter what he did or how rude he got in his melt down I would always stick to him.. But it sometimes feels like he is doing this on purpose..

    Well I did spend a lot of time already and despite everything else.. I do love him and we are way more similar than i thought in many ways.

    He took some time out away to think for a week a month agao.. Because of all the issues. Work and money and me.. In that time I also realised I want no one else. He might be hard and tricky sometimes.. But he is very genuinely and caring and notice all the little things. And his genuinely smile when he than smiles at you.. 

    But I know behind all this trouble is the person I want to be with.. And he is a lot of work. Wich he was from the beginning.. And he seem always to change a little and open a little more. But it is always a long way until that.

    But you are right with that he kind of still sees me as risk.. And he said things like i don't know why you even love me.. What is so good on me.. That makes me sad..

    Since we ben together the longest he ever was with anyone he seems also confused to what to do with relationships.. At that point.. 

  • He's likely going to be a bit horrible to you as almost a test of your honesty - he has loved and been abused so his measure of a good relationship is going to be based on really bad data.    You can get through to him but the previous relationships will have badly damaged him.

    He needs to see you as something good in his life rather than a huge potential risk.   The only advice I can give is be honest, open and constant so he can rebuild his model of a relationship to build space for you in his life.

    Unfortunately, if he's badly damaged, this could take a looooong time.     It sounds harsh, but are you able to commit this much time to him - especially if he might not be 'fixable'?