Hy to everyone here.. Im Nina and im new here. Im In a relationship with a very great man since nearly 3 years..
He seemed very quircky and lovely and he took me as i was.. We were in a long distance relationship for about two years.. He lives in a small flat.. But last years end we decided to try to move in together.. So i moved to him.. He warned me from the beginning it would be to small for two and he needs his space.. But as we ladys think love conkers all and it will be ok somehow...
Well what i had to deal with where a few meltdown and him getting very distant and withdrawn and not opening up.. Many issues I did discover and let's say the real him wich i still love to bits.. I tried to give him space and make it work by doing every little thing.. And it just got worst... And he finally was diagnosed with autism asperger specifically... He still doesn't accept it. But he says it is how he is whatsoever they call it.. Well there was two years that person wich was very loving and affectionated and now he became a withdrawn scared person wich doesn't seem to like physical contact very much.. He said it is just due to the living situation we are in. So i decide to move back home.for the sace of this relationship.. He is a very nice and caring guy and I wouldn't want to miss him in my life.. So i will be back home Save some more until we can affort a proper space.
When we discussed it he said he liked beeing with me but in that space it is not bearable for us 2..he is working a lot. Doing his master and had to deal with me..
I just thought if I go back I somehow can safe the relationship befor I ruin it completely.. And i just want to know if there is a chance that he will be kind of like befor again.. More I hope it will be.. I know a lot happened.. And the way he is now.. Might also be the real him.. He has now certain ways. He doesnt like full hugs as it seems. And when he kisses you he doesn't really want to hug.. Or the other way around.. Im so confused.. Because he was so close always and now seems so far like a distant and other person.
Sorry for the long story
Sorry to hear you're in this position.
If he lives on his own, he'll have a very specific way of doing things that allow him to live in his space - anyone impinging on that space will be creating chaos in his world that he has to grit his teeth to accept. It's also difficult to suddenly accept that you're Aspergers after years of going through life thinking you were ok but just having some difficulties with life.
Work will be stressful for him if he interacts with people so home is his safe-haven - so if it is not a peaceful calm place, he has nowhere to go to de-stress.
He has to understand himself a bit more and understand why he behaves the way he does so he can create a new way of dealing with you which incorporates his Asperger's.
You need to be very calm and clear with him and talk about things. Do not put any emotion or 'love' into your chat - these are abstract concepts that he will have difficulty quantifying in something rational that he can discuss. Be very clear and understanding - maybe even e-mail him so he has time to formulate a proper answer without the stress of a face-to-face discussion.
Good luck with it all.
Thank you very much for your answer.. You are totally right with everything..
At the moment it seems like a mask came off and this is how he seem to be.. I don't know how to talk to him about or if I even should. Like yesterday when I met him on my way home outside with a friend.. He was so like he would talk to me with a guy.. Wich made me feel weird and sad. So i went home.. And said that im confused he wasn't like this.. And he said that was normal, how should I behave? I was nice he said.
Wich made me think.. That that very affectionate person he was whilst we were apart. Even when we stayed together max for a month or 2..before seems to be gone..
I don't know if its because of the situation we are in or if that was a mask and he just wanted to give me everything.. And now..im confused..
So I hope the distance will help.. He said we need the space after this to appreciate each other again.. I was the first relationship he lived together with and he said he didn't regret it just the space drives him mad..
And i know.. Now work will pick up.. He does two jobs until December from August onwards. Finishes his master in acoustic. It might be all to much that i did put on him.. Like you said.. He had to share space. His first own bought flat..
What normally happens is we realise we are a bit different in our teens so we create a mask so we can pretend to be normal and fit in with everyone else - often as a self-defence mechanism to protect us from bullying.
This mask works well while we are on our own but when we get into a relationship, we don't have a proper plan to modify our mask to incorporate an extra person into our lives. There's also a HUGE risk of opening ourselves up to someone else - especially if we've been bullied in the past. Admitting our own needs means dropping our mask and letting someone into our inner self.
The problem is other people are a bit random and it's difficult for us to understand their actions - especially if they don't appear logical or sensible. It causes us extreme stress to work with that level of chaos.
You need to be very open and clear with that is going on for you and ask him about what problems he's having and how you can help him get through it all.
If he's good at what he does, work can be a retreat where he can ignore the outside world because he has that portion of his life under control - it's when work finishes that his problems occur when he has to consider real-life again..
I tried to talk to him at the beginning after his first proper meltdown when I suspected autism.. And later when he was more clear.. I try to be as forward as possible.
The problem is he doesn't really want to tell me what is going on.. Because he always says he feels so ungrateful and guilty for not being able to give me what I deserve and I deserve a not evil version of him wich is at the moment not possible and he feels ashamed because he doesn't understand why he is acting like he does and says things he doesn't mean.. But he also doesn't accept autism...
We had one just one really rational talk.he told me it has nothing to do with me it's just that the situation drives him mad also work money and everything else.. And the space is to small.. I was practically also a reason but I got in the end all his bad moods and feelings projected on me of everything.. . When it seems to get in the wrong direction and i decided to go back until we can get more space and he can concentrate on his stuff now and work. Wich is important.. He seemed to be more willing again.
I just want him to feel ok and happy if it means to move out for awhile than it has to.. He told me he plans to sell the flat when the contract of his mortgage is over and we put both something in a deposit.. So something future wise is on his mind as it seems...
But you can't really talk with him about stuff like this.. He has to start it or he gets into defence mode.. He had some bad 3 relationships befor me.. Wich I noticed were so bad that he screamed at me when he had his meltdown that it will all be the same I will do the same to him. Like all the others..
Then it sounds like he's at 99% stress and not able to find an outlet for that stress - unfortunately, the tiny demand you put on him when you're together adds the little 1% that causes the boiler to blow - it's not your fault at all - it's just you get the full force as he explodes - he will likely say some pretty horrible things during these periods but probably doesn't really mean any of it - it's just a side effect of the meltdown.
His previous relationships will have badly damaged his mask so he now sees letting someone get close as a real risk. He will need careful handling to let you in. His trust levels will be very low.
His defensive mode is because, in his eyes, he has not changed - it you that is changing and he's unable to adapt his mask to include you right now. He obviously has a lot of things going on in his mind right now so the only thing you can do is talk to him to try to get him to understand how his autism is affecting the way he interprets your intentions.
He may take a lot of time to get him to open up.
Everything you say is so true...
Well the past one cheated apparently on him or were really horrible to him and one was harmful because she developed a illness to so he had to end it as soon as.. Because she got physically abusive against him..
And me.. I might have ben to nice.. Since i saw him befor every 3 to 4 months for a few weeks. When I finally moved to him I wanted to be with him as much as I can i did practically everything cleaning.. Cooking and Shopping because he seemed to hate it when it's crowded..
I probably drowned him.. Because i thought I can make up for the space issue... Wich was a bad idea.. Thats why i want to try with space.. So he can first proper recover from everything.. Recharge himself.. And finish his studies...
He's likely going to be a bit horrible to you as almost a test of your honesty - he has loved and been abused so his measure of a good relationship is going to be based on really bad data. You can get through to him but the previous relationships will have badly damaged him.
He needs to see you as something good in his life rather than a huge potential risk. The only advice I can give is be honest, open and constant so he can rebuild his model of a relationship to build space for you in his life.
Unfortunately, if he's badly damaged, this could take a looooong time. It sounds harsh, but are you able to commit this much time to him - especially if he might not be 'fixable'?
It is already hard. And i did feel like he doing all this to just get me on the edge.. He is wounded I just said once my coworker did drive me home.. Because it was late and his way to his family was our street.. And he got angry and was like so you are doing something with him.. I said why are you saying that..
He knows I'm very loyal to him.. No matter what he did or how rude he got in his melt down I would always stick to him.. But it sometimes feels like he is doing this on purpose..
Well I did spend a lot of time already and despite everything else.. I do love him and we are way more similar than i thought in many ways.
He took some time out away to think for a week a month agao.. Because of all the issues. Work and money and me.. In that time I also realised I want no one else. He might be hard and tricky sometimes.. But he is very genuinely and caring and notice all the little things. And his genuinely smile when he than smiles at you..
But I know behind all this trouble is the person I want to be with.. And he is a lot of work. Wich he was from the beginning.. And he seem always to change a little and open a little more. But it is always a long way until that.
But you are right with that he kind of still sees me as risk.. And he said things like i don't know why you even love me.. What is so good on me.. That makes me sad..
Since we ben together the longest he ever was with anyone he seems also confused to what to do with relationships.. At that point..
Sounds like he needs prompting because he has no experience of a normal relationship.This might be good because it allows you to grow together and forge a new path.
You need to be careful that you don't end up being his substitute mother where he lets you do everything for him without him committing to a real, meaningful relationship with you.
Are his parents together? Their relationship will be the basis for his model of how things work - open, giving commitment might be a new concept for him.
Well sadly not. He doesn't like his dad.. He left his mum when he was 6..he is the youngest and has 3 siblings.
He didn't talk to his dad for 12 years and was bullied by his second girlfriend to talk to him again after she discovered his dad was rich.. He left his family because of the money wich was more important than his kids and wife... And his mum. Has a partner now wich is a bit like him but they live in 2 flats separately and see each other 3 times a week.. His mum brought all 4 kids up on there own.
She is also very specific and told me she might be ocd..
He told me he had to brush the carpet when he was small or line up chips on a tray...
And when once a week they had to be with there dad. He was just sleeping and left them doe what they want in the house.. So not really a good start...
But still he turned out very decent and wants to earn everything by himself. I just thought if the relationship he had would have been better.. He wouldn't be so fighting against it sometimes..
His mum is also very nice and i like her a lot..
Last year his sister married and he started thinking about family and stuff to. But now.. Everything is not a thing at the moment