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Friendship problems...

Mimriam

I have a super amazing friend, they're neurotypical and we've been friends for 10+ years, since we left school. I have very few other friends with extrememly minimal contact, this is the one friend who I will see in person maybe every month which is a LOT for me.

We share a hobby, but in many ways we're also different. They know i'm weird and are incredibly tolerant and kind. 

They're also interested in a bunch of different things than me and my stupid brain can't handle it. I get freaked out every time they try and share their interests with me. I try to never tell them to their face that i automatically hate what they like because it's irrationally threatening. I'm also very possessive and don't like that they have other friends or do other things. Great.. now I sound like a psychopath! But i'm honestly not. Again my friend doesn't know anything about this. 

Does anyone have similar problems? Can anyone give any advice? How can I stop feeling threatened by someone being a normal person and liking perfectly fine things? 

  • in reply to .

    I think i'd be afraid my friend would be upset and feel I don't value their opinions. Equally i can't tell how they would respond. Another reason i'd be anxious telling them is I don't want to enirely give in to these feelings of intolerance. If i tried to be more open minded it might not be so bad, if i just grit my teeth i might be surprised by what they show. And i don't want to encourage myself to be more close minded than i already am, if you see what i mean?

  • My one true friend has Aspergers so we are quite alike and we share the same interests and similar stuggles but he can make friends much easier so it Annoys me that he has multiple friends so I tend to be quite clingy.

    I get a kid with the stereotypes on autistics as people think that we don’t want any friends where it’s actually we just like one or two friends and we just enjoy our alone time.

    i have some other friends but I have kind of disconnected from them since they developed a group of people. I try to talk to them individually but my Aspergers friend is the best i could ask for.

  • in reply to Mimriam

    It’s a pleasure.

    What I find wonderfully reassuring about your reply is your own personal integrity and sense of self worth. You see the “you” that you deem your true self (which you seem to have a pretty positive relationship with  —- treasure that btw) and a sense of wanting to belong.

    life is very much finding what you’ll compromise on or bend with.. whether it’s friendships, relationships, employment, uni, or any form of social interaction, whilst affording yourself your own self space not just to be, but to grow and THRIVE.

    I find its key to keep a centred self as much as possible and to practice self care..otherwise that way melt downs and burnouts come as well anxiety etc. You see this, so I hope you continue to fly!

    It’s ok if things are not “you bag”.. humanity needs uniqueness as well as conformity. Nothing would progress otherwise if we all agreed and had the same likes.

    what are you ultimately afraid of? Causing offence, losing a friend, or compromising the true you. Probably all three. How do you think your friends would respond and how do you fear they’d respond. There may well be a big difference between the two 

  • in reply to .

    Thank you for replying :) 

    I think it's that I can't relate to why they're interested. I've worked out I feel threatened by things other people like. 

    I understand I can't make people behave a certain way just to make me feel better. What bothers me is I can't understand why i'm threatened by other people having interests separate from my own. Things that people like to get involved in and bring others to join in, fandoms, trends, hobby videos on youtube. Some of it must be pride, that I don't want to be the one who gets caught up in popular things. I don't want to be a part of the group. So I automatically hate what my friend shows me, on the basis of they're trying to draw me in. (they may not be at all, and just saying "hey this is cool, what do you think?) 

    But it's a pain to tackle... i'm scared of telling my friend these things. I don't open up to them if I have problems.

  • I think one of the difficulties is having such a strong desire and need to connect with others and to understand them. When they bring up and want to share with you things that you "can't handle" you say you "freak out" - is that because you can't relate to why they are interested as you're not, or that it highlights that you have differences from one another and this highlights a potential gulf of relatability? 

    I am sure you are a lovely friend. The fact that you have been mates for such a long time suggests this.  

    It might be worth broaching the subject with them. I am assuming that you are on the spectrum (are any of them?) - if that is the case the statement "they know I'm weird" (and don't forget the wonderful with it bit!)..but do they know why, and that you struggle with somethings as a result.