Newly Diagnosed, My Life Is Ruined!

In March 2019, I was given a full diagnosis of Autism (Asperger's Syndrome). It did come as a shock to both me and my family. I'd always known that I was different to my friends and a bit quieter, but I legitimately thought that was OK. It now clearly wasn't. I started University last Autumn (don't want to reveal what/where I studied at) but after I received no support for my diagnosis and mental health, everything plummeted. Emails weren't getting answered quickly and when they were, it was always on the lines of "you're lazy, you've got no brains etc". I made the decision to stop going, the environment was toxic. Some of the students were nasty towards me, often blanking me out during group work sessions or leaving me out of events for no apparent reason. I live at home with my parents. For the past few months since the diagnosis, I've realised that I'm a huge failure. I have a lifelong disability and being the only family member with a disability, I've been too ashamed to open up to anyone about how I feel, since no-one can relate to me.

I finally told some family about my diagnosis but they reacted negatively. Calling me once again "lazy" and "you didn't try hard enough." I haven't spoken to them and have even considered cutting them out of my life altogether. I have a boyfriend and been together for nearly two years. He was shocked by my diagnosis, but is still with me. I've told him all the time that I'm stupid, useless and that he should look for someone else. I've been trying to get help and support to come to terms with my diagnosis at age 20, but to no avail. Either long waiting lists, expensive private appointments or no replies to my messages. I literally have nothing left.

I'm fully convinced that I'm a total failure, the life that I truly wanted is now ruined. My education life has always been rocky from the start. This was my dream Uni and course, but I feel that I've been pushed away due to their lack of understanding. I'm generally paranoid to look for a job. Not because I don't want to, not because I'm trying to be lazy. I'M TOO ANXIOUS TOO. But I need the money. I do get some from a family member but that's not me doing it for myself.

I'm very depressed and basically, there's no hope left. I'm now in debt. Alone. Struggling. This forum posting here is a risk. I used to post on a different website but I got trolled, so here I am opening myself up again...

If someone/anyone can truly help me before this situation gets worse, I'll be eternally grateful. 

Ally.

Parents
  • First things first, it seems you need to take a step back and recover. Do you have any interests or hobbies you could dive into? Anything to help forget the troubles of life for a bit?

    You say your diagnosis was a shock, what were the circumstances in getting a diagnosis? You're still you, you've always had AS so do you feel you coped better before you knew? A diagnosis should be a positive thing, it should empower you to do things your way without feeling bad about it, without apology.

    I think you're being extremely hard on yourself from what seems like a massive lack of support. You are allowed to fail in life - we all do! It doesn't mean you are then a 'failure'. I failed Uni after 2 years and came away with huge debts after a breakdown. I felt useless so I have some level of understanding of what you're going through. But when I look back it ended up being the best thing that could have happened to me! (Honestly!) I took some time away from everything and started again. I got an apprenticeship. 12 years later I owe my career to that apprenticeship and my failings at Uni. Its perfectly OK to fail, analyse it, learn from it, be a better you because of it. Own it!

    Do you no longer want to do the course? Could you look into something like the Open University where it's at your pace, in your own space?

  • Sadly I no longer have any hobbies, I’ve been bullied away from just about anything I used to do. The circumstances was being bullied and being repeatedly called ‘retarded’ by a bully at school. I knew that there was something seriously wrong with me, so that lead me to getting tested.  I already had anxiety and depression disorder before I was diagnosed with AS, so not really. 

    I’ve looked into Open Uni but sadly, I just can’t afford it and the process of applying for loans last time around was extremely stressful for me and my family. I just generally don’t know what I want to do. Everything is a mess and it’s all on me really. I’ve f**ked up everything! 

Reply
  • Sadly I no longer have any hobbies, I’ve been bullied away from just about anything I used to do. The circumstances was being bullied and being repeatedly called ‘retarded’ by a bully at school. I knew that there was something seriously wrong with me, so that lead me to getting tested.  I already had anxiety and depression disorder before I was diagnosed with AS, so not really. 

    I’ve looked into Open Uni but sadly, I just can’t afford it and the process of applying for loans last time around was extremely stressful for me and my family. I just generally don’t know what I want to do. Everything is a mess and it’s all on me really. I’ve f**ked up everything! 

Children
  • There's nothing seriously wrong with you, please don't think of it like this. It's a lot to take in at the start but you will start to realise over time that knowing about ASD makes your life easier, not more difficult. Please keep reading more information about it. Having ASD does not stop you from doing anything you want to do. 

  • That's a really powerful image 

  • Because for nearly 21 years, my life has basically been a lie. All of the people over the days, weeks and months that said to me that something was seriously wrong with who I was. I fought back. I didn't believe them. I was wrong and they've all won. That's why it's been very traumatic for me. 

  • Why has it been traumatic? Being officially diagnosed does not change who you are, you've always been this way, but now you have a method of understanding yourself. Please keep reading all you can about autism, there is a lot of information out there. Knowing how your brain works and why an autistic brain sometimes gets tripped up in a neurotypical led world is really useful information. You just need some time to work out what you're strengths are and what you might need some extra support with. What you'll probably find now is you see your past self in a new light and wish you had known about the ASD earlier. It does take time though so do go easy on yourself. 

  • I've been reaching out to people over the last few months, but to no avail. You would think that a Uni would want to help but obviously not. Most people I knew from uni were drinkers or clubbers. I used to get so intimidated by them. 

  • Hi, thanks for your advice. I've tried emailing on many occasions to student services and tutor but never got a reply. I just don't think I'll ever end up coming to terms with it to be honest. It's been very traumatic for everyone.

  • There is nothing 'wrong' with you All - there really isn't... you're a square peg in a world full of round holes that's all...

    It may feel like a mess, it might actually BE a mess - but messes are fixable and it's not your 'fault', ok?

    Uni is not school, the people there should (but may not) be more mature... so hopefully bullying wouldn't be an issue.

    Focus on what you like to do and/or what you're good at - I know there'll be something, you're not 'stupid' or 'useless' - you just need to find yourself a square hole...

    ...it might not be conventional, what you're good at but there will be something and that could be the key that allows you to unlock more in life.

    You're not alone, keep reaching out, keep banging on the doors of the people who have a duty to provide support - if they aren't responding, it's not you, it's them... they are likely struggling with under-funding, no resources and high demand.

    "When you're going through hell... keep going and you'll get through to the other side"

  • A few things , you have most definitely not f**ked up everything. University is incredibly stressful even for people who don't suffer from anxiety. You sound exactly how I was when I started at uni (10 years before I had any idea about ASD) I assumed I was just a huge failure because I wasn't the same as everyone else and I had no idea why at the time. I suggest you keep trying to get in contact with student services, or even your tutor, and explain you need some time away. It's completely normal and nothing to feel ashamed of at all. There are so many ways to complete a degree. If you ever want to chat, pm me and I can provide a bit more specific advice. But the first thing is, please go easier on yourself :) it's also said that it can take up to 3 years to fully come to terms with a diagnosis. It's a long process of ups and downs and hopefully you will start to see the positives soon.