Published on 12, July, 2020
In March 2019, I was given a full diagnosis of Autism (Asperger's Syndrome). It did come as a shock to both me and my family. I'd always known that I was different to my friends and a bit quieter, but I legitimately thought that was OK. It now clearly wasn't. I started University last Autumn (don't want to reveal what/where I studied at) but after I received no support for my diagnosis and mental health, everything plummeted. Emails weren't getting answered quickly and when they were, it was always on the lines of "you're lazy, you've got no brains etc". I made the decision to stop going, the environment was toxic. Some of the students were nasty towards me, often blanking me out during group work sessions or leaving me out of events for no apparent reason. I live at home with my parents. For the past few months since the diagnosis, I've realised that I'm a huge failure. I have a lifelong disability and being the only family member with a disability, I've been too ashamed to open up to anyone about how I feel, since no-one can relate to me.
I finally told some family about my diagnosis but they reacted negatively. Calling me once again "lazy" and "you didn't try hard enough." I haven't spoken to them and have even considered cutting them out of my life altogether. I have a boyfriend and been together for nearly two years. He was shocked by my diagnosis, but is still with me. I've told him all the time that I'm stupid, useless and that he should look for someone else. I've been trying to get help and support to come to terms with my diagnosis at age 20, but to no avail. Either long waiting lists, expensive private appointments or no replies to my messages. I literally have nothing left.
I'm fully convinced that I'm a total failure, the life that I truly wanted is now ruined. My education life has always been rocky from the start. This was my dream Uni and course, but I feel that I've been pushed away due to their lack of understanding. I'm generally paranoid to look for a job. Not because I don't want to, not because I'm trying to be lazy. I'M TOO ANXIOUS TOO. But I need the money. I do get some from a family member but that's not me doing it for myself.
I'm very depressed and basically, there's no hope left. I'm now in debt. Alone. Struggling. This forum posting here is a risk. I used to post on a different website but I got trolled, so here I am opening myself up again...
If someone/anyone can truly help me before this situation gets worse, I'll be eternally grateful.
Ally.
First things first, it seems you need to take a step back and recover. Do you have any interests or hobbies you could dive into? Anything to help forget the troubles of life for a bit?
You say your diagnosis was a shock, what were the circumstances in getting a diagnosis? You're still you, you've always had AS so do you feel you coped better before you knew? A diagnosis should be a positive thing, it should empower you to do things your way without feeling bad about it, without apology.
I think you're being extremely hard on yourself from what seems like a massive lack of support. You are allowed to fail in life - we all do! It doesn't mean you are then a 'failure'. I failed Uni after 2 years and came away with huge debts after a breakdown. I felt useless so I have some level of understanding of what you're going through. But when I look back it ended up being the best thing that could have happened to me! (Honestly!) I took some time away from everything and started again. I got an apprenticeship. 12 years later I owe my career to that apprenticeship and my failings at Uni. Its perfectly OK to fail, analyse it, learn from it, be a better you because of it. Own it!
Do you no longer want to do the course? Could you look into something like the Open University where it's at your pace, in your own space?
Sadly I no longer have any hobbies, I’ve been bullied away from just about anything I used to do. The circumstances was being bullied and being repeatedly called ‘retarded’ by a bully at school. I knew that there was something seriously wrong with me, so that lead me to getting tested. I already had anxiety and depression disorder before I was diagnosed with AS, so not really.
I’ve looked into Open Uni but sadly, I just can’t afford it and the process of applying for loans last time around was extremely stressful for me and my family. I just generally don’t know what I want to do. Everything is a mess and it’s all on me really. I’ve f**ked up everything!