Published on 12, July, 2020
I am waiting to hear a response from an ASD clinic on being put on a waiting list for an assessement.
My worry is that during the interview (and when claiming benifits), I will be perceived as 'too able' and misdiagnosed or rejected, due to my intellectual ability, and that my speech will sometimes appear normal when interested in a topic. I have learning difficulties when it comes to comprehension (making sense of information), but in terms of fluid intelligence (pattern recognition), I am able to use inductive reasoning to assess situations or problems and find ways to cope - I am the type of person your parents would ask on how a piece of technology works for instance, because I like to tinker.
I am debating how I should appear in the interview, even though it could be months ahead. I have heard people use the term 'masking' for when adapting their behaviour to model that of a neurotypic person. I am a very ethical and rational person, so it is playing on my mind.
Seriously don’t worry about it... I went in to my assessment not knowing what to expect. I was completely honest. I am an exceptional masker and I have done it that long I really struggle to keep my mask off. It’s like I’m stuck between the 2 worlds.
Since being diagnosed I have been in many groups of people on the spectrum and people always think I am NT staff or a family member of someone on the spectrum. I still got my diagnosis.
It's funny how in moments of utter despair I reach for my phone to see what's been posted in the forum and see a post that's been exactly describing what's causing me so much distress. I'm becoming more and more suicidal with the inability to drop my mask since being diagnosed. I thought I could finally just be myself and looked forward to all the relief that would bring and yet I find myself in a conversation with an official yesterday still 'masking' but being much more acutely aware of what my brain is trying to do and it's actually more stressful. I thought I was a prisoner to the ASD but now I see I'm actually a prisoner to the 'masking' my brain has been using for survival all these years, it feels really weird, like I've been brainwashed.
So well put saying you feel 'stuck between 2 worlds'. I know in my case if I'm to survive one has to go....I no longer have the strength, plastic is right, the older you get the more utterly exhausting it becomes.