Published on 12, July, 2020
I am waiting to hear a response from an ASD clinic on being put on a waiting list for an assessement.
My worry is that during the interview (and when claiming benifits), I will be perceived as 'too able' and misdiagnosed or rejected, due to my intellectual ability, and that my speech will sometimes appear normal when interested in a topic. I have learning difficulties when it comes to comprehension (making sense of information), but in terms of fluid intelligence (pattern recognition), I am able to use inductive reasoning to assess situations or problems and find ways to cope - I am the type of person your parents would ask on how a piece of technology works for instance, because I like to tinker.
I am debating how I should appear in the interview, even though it could be months ahead. I have heard people use the term 'masking' for when adapting their behaviour to model that of a neurotypic person. I am a very ethical and rational person, so it is playing on my mind.
Seriously don’t worry about it... I went in to my assessment not knowing what to expect. I was completely honest. I am an exceptional masker and I have done it that long I really struggle to keep my mask off. It’s like I’m stuck between the 2 worlds.
Since being diagnosed I have been in many groups of people on the spectrum and people always think I am NT staff or a family member of someone on the spectrum. I still got my diagnosis.
It's funny how in moments of utter despair I reach for my phone to see what's been posted in the forum and see a post that's been exactly describing what's causing me so much distress. I'm becoming more and more suicidal with the inability to drop my mask since being diagnosed. I thought I could finally just be myself and looked forward to all the relief that would bring and yet I find myself in a conversation with an official yesterday still 'masking' but being much more acutely aware of what my brain is trying to do and it's actually more stressful. I thought I was a prisoner to the ASD but now I see I'm actually a prisoner to the 'masking' my brain has been using for survival all these years, it feels really weird, like I've been brainwashed.
So well put saying you feel 'stuck between 2 worlds'. I know in my case if I'm to survive one has to go....I no longer have the strength, plastic is right, the older you get the more utterly exhausting it becomes.
Me too - I have a twin to copy so I've been masking for as long as I've been alive. I'm really good at it - but as I've got older, I can't keep the performance up for as long. It's exhausting.