Hi all, I was told I would need to go private if I want diagnosis. I cant afford this and want to know why I am the way I am. I'm considering saving to go private.
I usually score high on those online tests.
I was told my son was autistic at the age of 3 years old. All through school I'd come up with strategies to help him cope that schools hadent thought of. I was a single mum with no family help for most of his time growing up which was hard.
He was a handful but I felt I could understand him more than anyone else. (For example pressure type hugs when he was overwhelmed or breaks away from school at lunch time but I thought everyone should know and understand his needs).
A quick bit about my childhood, i always thought i was adopted, one day a family would arrive and say we're taking you home and I'd fit in and finally belong!
At primary school I spent lunches walking around the playground holding the dinner ladies hand, wouldn't use the toilets as they smelt so I'd wet myself until age 11. Wouldn't eat lunch as the lunch hall smelt weird and was too much.
High school I found aplace to hide on my own around the back of the school.
I'd always tried making friends but didnt understand why I couldn't or why people said things they didnt mean. I'd be too generous and honest which lead to me being taken advantage of way into my twenties.
I've had people say I have no expression and my voice is the same with no expression. So I've practiced and now my husband says I use my eyebrows too much!
I hang up on people or talk over them as I find phones tricky
I hate eye contact, someone made me so uncomfortable recently as he kept trying to stare into my eyes everytime I looked away.
I have to think about what i need to say and often write scripts to help me especially if I'm on the phone. I used this in my last job but my manager yelled at me to hurry up and make the calls.
I've been told by many people I'm naive. I've also been told I come across stuck up, I also say things that cause offence (I honestly dont mean to),
I tried taking my life once and looking back at it with my gp she wondered if it was a meltdown.
Due to my possible meltdown I still get called mental by my inlaws which upsets me greatly.
Loud places are uncomfortable to my ears.i cant hear if someones talking to me as all I can hear are people scraping cutlery, chairs scraping, doors closing etc
At night I can hear the noise of the fridge, freezer etc even though their behind another door downstairs and it bugs me that I cant sleep easily
I'm straight forward with people and try to be tactful but fail alot.
I'm super clumsy, I get injured so much.
I had OCD as a child
I feel I'm born out of era maybe, I love the 1940s
I get obsessed with plants so much that all I think about is gardening related, watch shows, read, forums and spare time gardening/growing/allotment.
I cant think of anything else right now. It's just annoying I cant get a yes or no. I want to know why I'm so different.
I used to play with the dinner ladies at primary school too! I specifically remember it being autumn and we would throw the helicopter seeds in the air :)
My experience of high school was much different. I learnt to adapt socially and began the process of wearing my many masks to hide who I really am. In basic principle I mimicked the language and traits of who I was talking to. As a result I was able to 'get on' with every type of character at high school, from the 'geeks' to the 'cool kids'. I still use this method to fit in as an adult, only now I'm beginning to fail as the pressures of life continue to add up..
You're not different, you're just you. (I need to remind myself that though..)
blank_smile said:As a result I was able to 'get on' with every type of character at high school, from the 'geeks' to the 'cool kids'. I still use this method to fit in as an adult, only now I'm beginning to fail as the pressures of life continue to add up..
I did that. I created an big, extrovert personality to cover for my inabilities. Everyone accepts extroverts acting weird. Shy people acting weird are a target for a bully.
I managed to become a chartered engineer being an extrovert - but a brain injury brought it all crashing down a few years ago - and now my brain can't manage the masking anymore.
Plastic said:Everyone accepts extroverts acting weird. Shy people acting weird are a target for a bully.
That is so accurate!
So without masking how do you find life? Is it a relief? Hope you don't mind me asking
I'm totally open - feel free to ask me anything.
I've analysed my behaviours and capabilities so I know my weaknesses so I know when I'm likely to be out of my depth and need support.
I'm vulnerable to people manipulating me so I need someone with me in important meetings to look after my interests.
I have many skills and hobbies so I can do anything technical better than anyone else so I have to be careful not to make others feel incompetent around me - this can be seen as arrogance - mailny because I can't pick up what other people feel until it's obvious.
I tend to mask (lifetime habit) but I can't do it for long. i get very tired now.
I tend to miss out the start and end of conversations (the fluffy bits) and trend to concentrate on the 'meat' of the conversation so I'm seen as being a bit blunt.
I've come to accept the those who care about me don't mind, and those who mind don't care about me..
I'm at a point in life where I dont know who to trust. I've been too trusting in the past where now i see a councillor to help me with the past.
I just wish I could understand people, they make my head hurt.
I am honest, open, and will help anyone without motive yet I've found people only help if they have a motive. Usually not a good one.
I question everything too, this drives my husband mad. For instance I'll say Sarah said this today what do you think she meant, why did she do it? Etc. Now I wonder if I'm just trying to process? What do you think?
I spend a lot of time processing past interactions with people to try to work out their true meaning/intentions. It fries my brain.
I prefer dealing with straight-forward people. I can't function with liars - when everything they say has an angle to it - they either wants something or are being mean about soemene else. I avoid.
I am the same, I'm open, honest, straight forward and can't lie to save my life (so I just don't bother trying!). Unfortunately, along with thinking literally, these can all be used as tools against you. I've been taken advantage of before too.
I tend to trust until given a reason not to. Once my trust is broken that person is tarnished for me, I view them entirely different and cannot 'see' them as the same person. This can be a strength and weakness.
I don't think I'd change your outlook, as I wouldn't change mine, trust as you normally would. Continue to be inquisitive though! Working someone's intentions out is hard, it's why I like to communicate at work through email. I re-read emails over and over again until I think I've fully understood everything. I feel I can tell a lot more about a person by the way they communicate in writing than face to face. It often feels like people have 2 personalities based on this though..
blank_smile said:Working someone's intentions out is hard, it's why I like to communicate at work through email. I re-read emails over and over again until I think I've fully understood everything. I feel I can tell a lot more about a person by the way they communicate in writing than face to face. It often feels like people have 2 personalities based on this though..
Yes - and if it's in writing - it's a contract with obligations - it forces the NTs to comply with what they promise. I hate people telling me something and doing the opposite.
Absolutely, you have your proof that you've done as was discussed.
I do the same. Is this an autistic trait or do others do it also do you know? I think about conversations or interactions over and over. I dont understand hidden meanings straight away. I'm really struggling with it and get so stressed but the gp says theres no help in our area
Yes, it's very common. Every interaction that leaves you questioning - especially negative experiences - need endless processing to try to understand what really happened.
Middle of the night is my brain's favourite time to do this. I get to watch a lot of night tv because of it.
The only thing you can do is make sure you complete the day's interactions in a positive way as going to bed happy with the day seems to be the only remedy.
Perfect example of it taking me ages to work out interactions.....an old man from across the road just knocked on my door and had cut his finger open. I couldn't figure out why he knocked to show me. After he left and I was talking to my husband realised he maybe wanted a lift to the doctor! So now I feel stupid as it took me ages to figure out and the old guy didnt ask
And then it bothers you all night - while you realise that you failed? Why can't NTs just say what they want? I hate this guessing game every day.
Yes exactly! I do wonder if I am autistic. I really want to know why it's all so hard
Try for a diagnosis. It doesn't solve anything butn at least you will know why you do the things you do.
Unfortunately, post-diagnostic support is pretty non-existent so you have to work it out for yourself - but it might help with workplace adjustments to make your life easier.