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I wish people come with rules

Magnolia1

I have a list of people who I have managed to upset and I still don't really understand why.

Two haven't spoken to me since October. One of these was someone I called my brother. He is not talking to me because I followed safeguarding protocol with his best friend and his best friend complained about me to him and now he has cut my whole family out of his life.

One I had a lovely afternoon with last week. I sent a text stating a fact and now she is really upset and sending me messages about how stressed and overwhelmed she is. 

One is a mother of a child in my theatre group. I was ill so someone kindly took over rehearsal for me. She went out way to write notes so I felt obliged to send them out and this has upset her. I get what's app messages and then don't understand what they actually mean.

Then each of the situations goes around and around in my head and it doesn't get me anywhere as there don't appear to be any answers. 

Why don't people come with rules that I can follow so that I could stop upsetting people without meaning to.

And why can't I switch off the spiralling thoughts in my head of what I did wrong and how I can fix it. Except I don't think I can fix it. 

I spend so much of my life apologising.

  • in reply to Blackbird
    Blackbird said:
    all that I need to remind myself that being a pariah in the yes of reprehensible, morally bankrupt scumbags is rather an honour!

    Totally agree.  My superpower is that I reflect people's true personality back at them.    Most (nice) people do not see it because the image they see is a nice person - but a bully and manipulator sees how horrible they really are in their reflection - and that seems to deeply unsettle them.  

  • in reply to Plastic

    These are the very people who make me recoil from society and makes it hard for me to trust anybody, Since my diagnosis  the person I see most often has become rather contemptuous and dismissive as well as using sarcasm ((passed off as "gentle wit" to which \I am apparently "too sensitive") She increasingly talks to me as if I am an idiot. I had explained to her that a lot of what she says to me does not make immediate sense so would she kindly not be so cryptic and use so many colloquialisms but that backfired and now she gives off an air of being weary of stooping so low intellectually to deal with me.

    I have not ( I regret to report) been able to regard her as a friend for quite some time now but it is difficult as our lives are so entangled (I'll not go into all of that here) but I am in the weaker position as it is not my home and so have few options but to stand my ground and try to make things work. Don't get me wrong, I am not an addict for punishment and abuse but where I live currently has been the most secure and stable environment I have known for many, many years and away from this protective shell I live in,it all looks like an abyss, I have plans and ambitions which I could not seriously contemplate for a minute if I moved away. She is aware of this and has become slightly intoxicated with the power. I feel slightly disloyal talking about her like this-even though we are no longer "friends" like we once were but I know that she has difficulties and some major problems in her own life, I have seen countless instances such as this where the person under the pressure will take out their frustrations and anger on those who are in no position to fight back.

    When I was in school, I noticed just how unspeakably cruel some kids could be to others, I had learned about the Holocaust when very young and I had always wondered what could make some people behave so bestially but when I saw some of the bullies in action-often against me!- I knew that we all had that capacity and it only required an opportunity for it to manifest itself.

    People can be shits, some of them seem to get a buzz out of causing distress and pain to others-it's almost recreational with some and I cannot abide them so even as a lot of the solitude and isolation I have lived though has been as a direct result of being rejected-often for the most ridiculous and indefensible of reasons, extended contact with "people" is all that I need to remind myself that being a pariah in the yes of reprehensible, morally bankrupt scumbags is rather an honour!

  • in reply to Plastic

    Exactly! I hate it when I know things happened in a certain way, that certain things did happen but then someone tries to completely deny it/fabricate a different version of events/twist everything around and try to blame me.

  • in reply to Kitsune

    NTs seem to be able to re-write history and facts to suit their own agenda.  It's incompatible with my sequential history log.   They don't like being reminded of the actual order of events.

  • in reply to Plastic

    I really hate it how some people really can’t handle the truth!

  • in reply to I'm done with Christmas Cards

    Yes - relations are really hostile with my sister because she was bored one day and decided to pick a fight with me.    She got told some truth that she didn't want to hear and now i'm in the wrong.    This was over 2 years ago.    But I'm ok with that - I don't have to put up with manipulators in my life.

  • I've lost friends before simply by answering a question truthfully. One of my daughters hasn't spoken to me since 2012 & I still can't answer the question "why?". I constantly fail to meet my mother's expectations & feel under constant pressure to do so despite now knowing that it isn't my fault.

  • I'm afraid you've basically just captured one of the main 'issues' for people with ASD living in an NT world...

    All I can suggest is that you speak with the people concerned stating that you didn't mean to upset them and your intention was <insert intention here>...

    If you feel comfortable doing so, share your diagnosis with them as a 'this is WHY I misjudged the way you'd feel about what I did'

    Also, 'projection' it seems to be a real NT thing (I'm deliberately generalising here) to take a factual statement and then cover it with subtext, hidden meaning, ulterior motives, inferences and implied meaning based entirely on their own subjective experience of dealing with other NTs...

    Hence, they turn what you actually said/did into something entirely different and which is a product of them 'projecting' their own experience, fears, insecurities etc. onto it/you.

  • This post reminds me of me when I was in my early teens, I would always manage to annoy my friends and have no clue what I had done to offend them. The overthinking is horrible too, I hate it when the thoughts just won’t stop spiralling around in my head!

  • in reply to Trainspotter
    Trainspotter said:
    There are others who use behaviour of upset as a manipulative tool of control.

    I really hate that - it's bad enough trying to work out people's true emotions - adding fake ones into the mix really doesn't help.

  • There's a saying 'There's nowt.as.strange as folk'

    It is easy to blame oneself when it is the other person.  And I for one hate upsetting others, it always upsets me.  And it churns over in my head foe a long while not understanding why.

    I try to treat others as I would like them to treat me.  Some times this causes  problems. I don't know why.

    There are others who use behaviour of upset as a manipulative tool of control.  And you can't force others to like you.  

    I also think we read intention wrong.  I have lost count of the number of times I have spent hours repairing something for someone, or helping them only for it not to be acknowledged.  Just because we are autistic does not mean we are totally without feeling.I

    We just have to accept the vagaries of others.

  • in reply to photonic_electrons

    The stuff with my pretend brother happened before my diagnosis. His fiance sent me a very angry message when I texted him about my diagnosis and said I was being emotionally manipulative. 

    I sent a message to all the theatre group parents when I got my diagnosis so the others all knew.