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I wish people come with rules

Magnolia1

I have a list of people who I have managed to upset and I still don't really understand why.

Two haven't spoken to me since October. One of these was someone I called my brother. He is not talking to me because I followed safeguarding protocol with his best friend and his best friend complained about me to him and now he has cut my whole family out of his life.

One I had a lovely afternoon with last week. I sent a text stating a fact and now she is really upset and sending me messages about how stressed and overwhelmed she is. 

One is a mother of a child in my theatre group. I was ill so someone kindly took over rehearsal for me. She went out way to write notes so I felt obliged to send them out and this has upset her. I get what's app messages and then don't understand what they actually mean.

Then each of the situations goes around and around in my head and it doesn't get me anywhere as there don't appear to be any answers. 

Why don't people come with rules that I can follow so that I could stop upsetting people without meaning to.

And why can't I switch off the spiralling thoughts in my head of what I did wrong and how I can fix it. Except I don't think I can fix it. 

I spend so much of my life apologising.

Parents

  • There's a saying 'There's nowt.as.strange as folk'

    It is easy to blame oneself when it is the other person.  And I for one hate upsetting others, it always upsets me.  And it churns over in my head foe a long while not understanding why.

    I try to treat others as I would like them to treat me.  Some times this causes  problems. I don't know why.

    There are others who use behaviour of upset as a manipulative tool of control.  And you can't force others to like you.  

    I also think we read intention wrong.  I have lost count of the number of times I have spent hours repairing something for someone, or helping them only for it not to be acknowledged.  Just because we are autistic does not mean we are totally without feeling.I

    We just have to accept the vagaries of others.

  • in reply to Trainspotter
    Trainspotter said:
    There are others who use behaviour of upset as a manipulative tool of control.

    I really hate that - it's bad enough trying to work out people's true emotions - adding fake ones into the mix really doesn't help.

  • in reply to Plastic

    These are the very people who make me recoil from society and makes it hard for me to trust anybody, Since my diagnosis  the person I see most often has become rather contemptuous and dismissive as well as using sarcasm ((passed off as "gentle wit" to which \I am apparently "too sensitive") She increasingly talks to me as if I am an idiot. I had explained to her that a lot of what she says to me does not make immediate sense so would she kindly not be so cryptic and use so many colloquialisms but that backfired and now she gives off an air of being weary of stooping so low intellectually to deal with me.

    I have not ( I regret to report) been able to regard her as a friend for quite some time now but it is difficult as our lives are so entangled (I'll not go into all of that here) but I am in the weaker position as it is not my home and so have few options but to stand my ground and try to make things work. Don't get me wrong, I am not an addict for punishment and abuse but where I live currently has been the most secure and stable environment I have known for many, many years and away from this protective shell I live in,it all looks like an abyss, I have plans and ambitions which I could not seriously contemplate for a minute if I moved away. She is aware of this and has become slightly intoxicated with the power. I feel slightly disloyal talking about her like this-even though we are no longer "friends" like we once were but I know that she has difficulties and some major problems in her own life, I have seen countless instances such as this where the person under the pressure will take out their frustrations and anger on those who are in no position to fight back.

    When I was in school, I noticed just how unspeakably cruel some kids could be to others, I had learned about the Holocaust when very young and I had always wondered what could make some people behave so bestially but when I saw some of the bullies in action-often against me!- I knew that we all had that capacity and it only required an opportunity for it to manifest itself.

    People can be shits, some of them seem to get a buzz out of causing distress and pain to others-it's almost recreational with some and I cannot abide them so even as a lot of the solitude and isolation I have lived though has been as a direct result of being rejected-often for the most ridiculous and indefensible of reasons, extended contact with "people" is all that I need to remind myself that being a pariah in the yes of reprehensible, morally bankrupt scumbags is rather an honour!

Reply
  • in reply to Plastic

    These are the very people who make me recoil from society and makes it hard for me to trust anybody, Since my diagnosis  the person I see most often has become rather contemptuous and dismissive as well as using sarcasm ((passed off as "gentle wit" to which \I am apparently "too sensitive") She increasingly talks to me as if I am an idiot. I had explained to her that a lot of what she says to me does not make immediate sense so would she kindly not be so cryptic and use so many colloquialisms but that backfired and now she gives off an air of being weary of stooping so low intellectually to deal with me.

    I have not ( I regret to report) been able to regard her as a friend for quite some time now but it is difficult as our lives are so entangled (I'll not go into all of that here) but I am in the weaker position as it is not my home and so have few options but to stand my ground and try to make things work. Don't get me wrong, I am not an addict for punishment and abuse but where I live currently has been the most secure and stable environment I have known for many, many years and away from this protective shell I live in,it all looks like an abyss, I have plans and ambitions which I could not seriously contemplate for a minute if I moved away. She is aware of this and has become slightly intoxicated with the power. I feel slightly disloyal talking about her like this-even though we are no longer "friends" like we once were but I know that she has difficulties and some major problems in her own life, I have seen countless instances such as this where the person under the pressure will take out their frustrations and anger on those who are in no position to fight back.

    When I was in school, I noticed just how unspeakably cruel some kids could be to others, I had learned about the Holocaust when very young and I had always wondered what could make some people behave so bestially but when I saw some of the bullies in action-often against me!- I knew that we all had that capacity and it only required an opportunity for it to manifest itself.

    People can be shits, some of them seem to get a buzz out of causing distress and pain to others-it's almost recreational with some and I cannot abide them so even as a lot of the solitude and isolation I have lived though has been as a direct result of being rejected-often for the most ridiculous and indefensible of reasons, extended contact with "people" is all that I need to remind myself that being a pariah in the yes of reprehensible, morally bankrupt scumbags is rather an honour!

Children
  • in reply to Blackbird
    Blackbird said:
    all that I need to remind myself that being a pariah in the yes of reprehensible, morally bankrupt scumbags is rather an honour!

    Totally agree.  My superpower is that I reflect people's true personality back at them.    Most (nice) people do not see it because the image they see is a nice person - but a bully and manipulator sees how horrible they really are in their reflection - and that seems to deeply unsettle them.