Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I'm high functioning autistic (diagnosed 2 or 3 years ago) and have 2 kids, 5 and 7. I'm desperately looking for help .
In hindsight things have always been difficult, but things have reached a point where my wife and I are considering separating and me moving to make things easier on her and the kids. This is obviously heartbreaking for everyone .
The issue seems to stem from me. Me not being able to "read" my kids or read a situation so things escalate. I find it hard to be consistent with them because my moods can vary quite drastically so although I think I'm doing a good job that day my eldest likely will have a massive meltdown as a way of letting out all the tension from the day.
I've already phoned my GP so I can have a chat and maybe look at going back on meds and maybe looking into CBT, but that'll take time and I need to at least voice this now.
As much as people have already said "your wife will need to help make things easier" etc, she is under a huge amount of pressure trying to deal with 2 anxious kids AND try and monitor how I am and how changes will affect me. I can't ask her to do any more as it's hurting her. Hence us considering me leaving being the best long term solution.
Anyone with experience of anything like this, please tell me, how did you manage?
Thanks .
Thanks for all the replies. I will look into the parent help thing .
Thing is, I really want to be involved and be an active part of the family. My kids are amazing little people and I want to be part of helping them grow into healthy stable adults.
However, the issues all stem from me not being able to read the station. All the stress at home comes from my eldest daughter - she has frequent meltdowns and has a very strong need for control. This control tends to escalate into her going crazy as she battles with her sister for my attention. This generally doesn't happen when it's just my wife with them .
Although siblings competing for parental attention is normal, we think this has come from me being a stay at home parent with both kids for a number of years. In hindsight, I was not suited to this role and I think the way I tried to spend what I thought was quality time with each child has created a problem in our relationship.
So for examples when my eldest has a strop/grump/meltdown my youngest will come to me and be all nice and angelic and elicit a hug from me .my eldest sees this and loses it and gets angry at her sister, and then she gets upset etc etc etc.
The problem is is that this process has to be explained to me afterwards because I haven't seen it happen that way and so have been unable to stop it from escalating.
My wife used to try and step in but I asked her to stop because normally by this point she was at breaking point too and things could get shouty, or I would feel I was being criticised and that, over and over again, was exhausting. So now she doesn't intervene. Which frustrates her. So we can't win really.
Thats just one in a long list of issues that seem to arise on a very regular basis .
Hi chuckalicious, you're certainly not alone. My kids have all left home now (permanently hopefully!) and the bliss I found when the parenting phase of my life came to an end was one of the corroborating clues that led me to seek diagnosis (which I'm waiting to be finalised). My first marriage fell apart when my own kids were the same age as yours, almost certainly due to my need for alone time & unwillingness to get heavily involved in "family time" type activities. I found the bed-time routine unbearably protracted and stressful and it never quite delivered the peace and quiet that I craved before my own bed-time.
You at least have some insight *now* and the support of this forum. If you can create at least a little space for you to decompress, you might find that you can recharge sufficiently to take some of the stress out of life and hold your family life together. I hear your when you say that your wife is "fully loaded" but wonder if things might ease if you could both understand that some more adjustments might pay back more than her investment in them? If this works and gets you and her below 100% stress, that might create more opportunities for further improvements?
Hey Chuchalicious,
You may find our Parent to Parent service which offers emotional support to parents and carers of children or adults with autism helpful. This service is confidential and run by trained parent volunteers who are all parents themselves of a child or adult with autism .You can contact the team on 0808 800 4106 or alternatively contact them via web form: http://www.autism.org.uk/services/community/family-support/parent-to-parent/enquiry.aspx
Also our helpline is available on 0808 800 4104. They will be able to answer any questions you may have and help put you in the right direction to find help you need.
SteveMod
Thank you for the reply. It is reassuring to know I'm not alone .
We have looked at doing things like timetables, but inevitably the planning of that falls on my wife, which is just another thing that she has to deal with, in an already hectic and exhausting week for her. My planning skills are poor, which doesn't help. Understanding how I work was supposed to make things easier for us as a family, but ironically it has put more pressure on my wife because she is trying her hardest to do what's right for me, and the kids, plus keep her own job going, and it's just too much .
Hi, my partner is undiagnosed asd and we have 3 kids 8,7 and 1 in addition the eldest is also asd, he really struggles with the kids at times and causes situations to escalate,
We found this is especially true when he has had bad day at work, he just can't switch off we set him up a room that he can retreat into without being bothered until he is ready this allows him time to unwind before trying to tackle the kids. He has suggested many times that I would be better off without him as he makes things worse but despite what he thinks it is not the case and the same can be said for you and your family. They love and need you, have you tried a family timetable to make things a bit more predictable?
Just wanted to say that your not alone