Thinking about killing myself

Aw  listen, never give up hope of finding love! I’m sure you’ll find someone one day. Maybe go to a local AS social group and see if there’s anyone there. Let me explain my logic and share with you one of my latest reflections. That reflection is the realisation that I came to a few days ago that my husband will never be enough for me because he’s not autistic.  I know that some ND/NT marriages appear to work well but personally, my marriage works, on a practical level and that’s about it. I stay because I like my life as it is, I value the security of my daughters and I’ve got enough cop on to realise that with both ASD and ABI I’m best off staying where I am and not rocking the boat. But we don’t connect mentally at all. We don’t ‘get’ each other. It doesn’t help that what led to me finally realising that I have ASD and getting diagnosed was that I got obscenely obsessed a few years back with an autistic guy that I used to go to school with (I didn’t do anything naughty and fought that with everything I have right from the start). But what I’m trying to explain is that I’ve had the experience of being able to completely synchronise my brain with someone else’s (the wonders of Facebook!) and once you realise the level on which you can connect mentally to another autistic person then why would you want anything else? Honestly I read stories about marriages where both people have ASD, how they’re both ridiculously obsessed with each other, how well they connect mentally, how they have their own make believe world at home that they exist in together, I get so jealous. How good does that sound? So yeah my honest advice to you straight from my heart is to find places near you where you can meet others with ASD and try an ND/ND relationship 

I don't care anymore. Life stinks. There is no love, no hope, no glory. Only misery and boredom. Ha ha.

I'm sorry that she doesn't want a relationship that must be difficult. I don't know why she was nearly crying either. I'm glad that you toned down what you said to her, at least she is still happy to be your acquaintance, as opposed to freaking out and avoiding you. I know how hard it is when we have really intense feelings for someone and we can't be with them for whatever reason. It's horrible and has the potential to occupy far too much brain space for far too long! Maybe try to appreciate the acquaintance/friendship for what it is and concentrate on being a good friend/acquaintance?

Thanks for the links. Update: I told her I liked her (didn't really say much else, kept it simple) and she isn't wanting a relationship beyond what we have now. She seems happy to still be an acquaintance. She did start to well up and was crying or nearly when I told her. I don't know why.

Your advice probably saved me from being too intense and scaring her.

I feel gutted. She's the only person I know who I get the sense really likes me and enjoys talking to me. There's never any bull with her. No fake laughter, no forced friendliness, no awkward small talk. 

I know one or two people who can get along with me, at intervals, but then there are awkward moments and tense times. So it is quite upsetting. 

Will do!

Let me know how you get on?

Thank you. The advice you've given sounds very reasonable.

I feel like just telling her that you really like her might be best. It also means you can save face a bit more if she doesn’t reciprocate as you hope. I do realise that it is entirely possible to develop strong feelings for someone without even dating them, it is for us anyway, my concern is that if she’s NT then she wouldn’t ‘get it’ and may find it weird that you’re in love with her when you’re only an acquaintance.

Yeah, I appreciate your suggestion. Do you think telling her "I've developed feelings for you" would sound alright?

I can imagine that a community punishment would be quite anxiety inducing, though if it's your first offence they might let you off with a warning? I feel that us ASD sufferers have a tendency to catastrophize things in our heads too which doesn't help and can make something seem a lot worse than it actually is. I do this all the time about anything, I build something up in my head to be the worst possible thing that could ever possibly happen, but actually if it does happen, it's no where near as bad as I thought it would be.

Can I suggest, as a woman, that if this woman is just an acquaintance, that you don't tell her that you love her, if a male acquaintance of mine announced that he loved me it would totally freak me out. Maybe just tell her that you like her and ask her if she wants to go for a drink sometime? I feel that might be more acceptable to her

I got accused of assault, it was self defence but I was drunk, and no one ever believes a drunk person's honesty so I was assumed to be the guilty party. It's only the lowest category of assault I'm charged with but I'm still worried. If they force me to do probation or some community punishment, even, I'm scared that I'll get treated badly. Probably sounds stupid but I'm not in a good place. I feel like even just a bit of nastiness towards me could push me over the edge.

Yeah, I did report the stolen items. 

I've not been dating the woman, she's only an acquaintance. She's a really lovely person. 

It sounds as if you have a lot going on at the moment. Good luck with the court case, what's it for? I hope that the woman that you are in love with responds well when you tell her, have you been dating her? It's so bad that someone stole your phone and debit card, who does that?! Have you reported it? It is a major pain when our routines get changed against our will!

It's a difficult time at the moment. I have a court case soon, I'm worried about it. I'm in love with a woman and am going to tell her and am scared she will not like it. And being robbed of my phone and debit card today really did stink. I was wanting to spend some money on something and I listen to music on my phone so it's cut me off from my usual way of doing things.

I think I'll be okay though. I just have to suffer for now. Ha ha...

In the meantime here's a link from MIND with crisis information etc

www.rethink.org/.../crisis-contacts

No need to apologise. People on here care. We don't want anything bad to happen to you

I'll be alright. Sorry.

A moderator will post the support numbers shortly, but please don't do anything drastic.

Please don't. I know life and the people in it can be cruel, but it's not worth taking your on life over.

That is a horrible thing to happen. I'm sorry you have been through that. Do you have friends and family that can support you? If not you will find some here and please go to your doctor if you really feel you are not coping.

It can be hard to remember at times but for every horrible person in this world, there are more that are good. Not everybody is out to exploit you even though sometimes it may feel that way.

I've been robbed yet again. I despise how exploitative how most people are. In my lowest moment they steal my stuff.