Published on 12, July, 2020
I have no friends at all anymore, i spend 97% of my time without seeing another human face. Perhaps dignitas could help me. There has to be a point where i call it a day.
Since my daughter died my social skills have evapourated entirely. I am retreating further and further into myself.
The future is bleak. I have no other children. No one seems to understand me. I am becoming agrophobic. I am a shadow of the person i used to be.
I am quite scared of the act of killing myself but if it where a button i could press that just turned out the lights, i would press it.
My isolation is near 100% complete. My mother and father (separated) support me but they cannot give me what i feel i need. If people could get by with the social interactions of their parents alone i could probably manage. I enjoy there company but after an hour or two i just feel i want to retreat to my home, lock the door and close the curtains.
This battle with depression has raged all my life and now with the magnitude of set backs ive experienced over the last couple of years, i feel the peak of my life has passed.
I honestly feel that the end for me is coming. Any attempt on my own life will not be a cry for help. It will be a very deliberate attempt. This is more than just depression. I do not see the logic in suffering for another 20-30 years. What purpose would it serve. The only people that would miss me are my parents.
I just wish i had a way of ending the suffering without suffering. Hence the dignitas reference.
I do want to die
So sorry that you feel so bad. I have experienced depression for 30 years on and off so I know how awful it can feel. It is good that you are sharing how you feel on this forum. Perhaps you can take tiny steps towards improving things? The problem withe depression is that you feel really bleak and in my experience do not have the energy to do much. But don't be too hard on yourself and try to interact a bit on the forum. You never know, it might lead to finding a friend who you have something in common with. I am sure that there are a lot of things going on here - I would imagine professional help would be important. I take anti-depressants long term and they really help me to feel less dark.
As I say, well done for writing down how you feel - that is a good achievement. Good luck.
I cant take anti-depressants, they make me feel worse and i can never maintain the steady dose so it sends my head all over the place.
Ive had over 30 sessions of counselling with zero results.
My best friends approach to my daughters death was to go missing for several months in the hope that it would have blown over by the time he showed his face again so he could revert to us getting pissed and him taking about how great his life was.
Other friends liked to view me as someone to pity. I dont need pity, i need inclusion and that does not mean 'come round ours we are bored'. Its about them being a part of my life as much as me being a part of theirs.
Making new friends is incredibly difficult for me now as i have learnt so many bad lessons about human nature. I am wary, reserved and almost paranoid from my negative experiences of neurotypicals. Most importantly my sense of humour is dead.
I can understand your position - I can recommend Meetup.com as a low-stress social group - there will be local groups near you that you can join and go along to. I go along to coffee meetings, pub nights, lunches, bowling etc. with a bunch of people all in the same boat as me - lonely, isolated and bored.(all my work friends moved hundreds of miles away when they were all made redundant/retired 6 years ago).
In my experience, you can go along to whatever you like with no pressure to 'perform'. You can get involved or just spectate until you get your bearings. You owe them nothing so there's no compulsion to be anything other than yourself.
I've made friends there that are genuinely concerned if I miss a meeting so I guess that counts as 'friends'.
Hi there.
Your story sounds very similar to mine in many ways and is the type of thinking that is really bad for those of us with autism.
I have been trying really hard to stay alive for 6 years now and got in more and more problems.
I believe you also must have a wish to stay alive, for your parents? Why else would you be writing on here?
We get caught up in our thinking and cannot easily change that, try as we might. Behavioural changes, drugs are unfortunately not very effective.
Yes I know the standard things that are sent out about Samaritans, 999 etc, but all of these options do not solve my problems and will just add to them.
I would desperately love to find a way forwards, but it worries me to know that most aspies die young!
Do you fancy a chat?? If you are still around
come on life is there for u dont liet this be the only reason that u want to do some thing this bad she would want u to live your life as best as you can please u seem a nice person.
Late last year I ended up with the crisis team in unbearable agony, wishing I didn't have to carry on. It can and DOES get better, it may feel like you're alone but thousands of people across the UK feel the way you do right now. There's charities like the Samaritans who would love to help you, there's all of us here too to chat to, keep pushing through, try and think of your own strength rather than let other peoples weaknesses get you down.
I wonder if we could chat as I feel we have a lot in common and I suspect we are both looking for a way of surviving and finding a new hope.
But standard NHS treatments are no use
NAS50476 said:Our government needs to take social care seriously.
I absolutely agree with you, mate. I can't add anything to what other people have said. I haven't been through some of the things you have, but I've been in that same situation. Constant suicide ideation.
I've been close a couple of times, when things were very bad. All I can say now is.... I'm glad I pulled through. I keep this thing going in my head: I can't know if it can get better if I don't give it the chance to.
Hang in there. Keep talking. If no one else can help you through this, we can.
Tom
It’s good that you’re talking with your GP. If he knows how bad you are actually feeling he ought really to do a bit more than just give you leaflets.
This is a massive reason why the rate of suicide is actually higher in men than women, because men don’t ask for help as readily as women, because they see it as weak. But there’s nothing weak about asking for help when you need it. In fact I’d say that it takes a lot of strength and guts to admit that you are having difficulties and to ask for help.
Do chat with people on here more. If it helps then that’s got to be a good thing.
Yes the government does need to take social care more seriously
Im talking to my GP as im off work sick. Its the same old leaflets and helplines tho. Much the same as what id expect from NAS after speaking to them last time. I dont like talking about suicide because it makes me feel as though i am weak. Its a conversation i need to be having more often though as it is starting to dominate my thoughts.
Our government needs to take social care seriously.
Thank you for the reassurance that you’re not going to kill yourself tonight. I do feel though that you need to have a support plan put in place to stop you getting to the point. Maybe phone the NAS tomorrow or make a GP appointment? I don’t think that it’s a logical step for you to kill your self but you feel it is logical as that’s how depressed you feel right now. Depression is a horrible illness but you can recover from it.
I’m glad you’ve found it helpful talking to people on here. Sometimes it helps just to have someone to sound off to, someone to listen to you.
Its a horrible thing.
That gutted feeling you get when you first wake up is exactly what I get when I’m depressed
Im not going to kill myself tonight so dont worry. I just feel im progressively getting closer to the day that i do. I have yet to decide how i would actually do it. It is becoming a feasible reality though. A logical step. It makes sense to me.
What happens when the day comes? It is unlikely I'd phone a crisis team tbh because I'd likely be convinced of my actions and wouldn't want to be stopped.
I know im being self defeating and i appreciate the supportive words from everyone. In truth speaking on here has probably helped a little. I dont speak often to anyone about this stuff any more as ive been through it a million times to the point where people are sick of hearing it.