Isolated and suicidal

Firstly, here is a link with contact numbers for those with suicidal thoughts. Please ask for help rather than act on those thoughts. You can find the number for your local mental health crisis team on google 

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/suicide/

I’m really sorry that you have no friends anymore, there’s been times in my life where I’ve felt like that too and it’s a pretty miserable feeling! I’m so sorry also that your daughter died, I can only imagine the pain and torment that you must be going through! Do you mind me asking what happened? How long ago did it happen? 

Im.not interested in helplines or nhs support. They all spout the same hot air and its of no use to me.

My daughter died two years ago.  They say traumatic events can make autism worse and thats a belief i now share.  (She just didnt wake up for any obvious reason one morning at 19 years old).

I had my diagnosis after my daughters death.  The reaction in my social circles was poor as was the reaction in my work environment.

I feel like my personality has fundamentally changed.  Every social interaction is a struggle.and this is really bad as i need to build new social structures to replace the ones i have lost.

I have no idea what i want for the future of the direction  i want it to go in. Or more accurately i dont want anything that i can have or achieve.

I also dont want to live a substandard lonely life. I dont want to be the subject of pity. I just want my story to end. My life has failed and i can accept that. I just dont see the point  in dragging it out as my life won't benefit anyone else and it certainly doesn't benefit me

Im.not interested in helplines or nhs support. They all spout the same hot air and its of no use to me.

My daughter died two years ago.  They say traumatic events can make autism worse and thats a belief i now share.  (She just didnt wake up for any obvious reason one morning at 19 years old).

I had my diagnosis after my daughters death.  The reaction in my social circles was poor as was the reaction in my work environment.

I feel like my personality has fundamentally changed.  Every social interaction is a struggle.and this is really bad as i need to build new social structures to replace the ones i have lost.

I have no idea what i want for the future of the direction  i want it to go in. Or more accurately i dont want anything that i can have or achieve.

I also dont want to live a substandard lonely life. I dont want to be the subject of pity. I just want my story to end. My life has failed and i can accept that. I just dont see the point  in dragging it out as my life won't benefit anyone else and it certainly doesn't benefit me

I think unfortunately that social failure is quite a common cause of depression in people with ASD, it certainly was for me on a number of occasions. Though I also found that making some life changes has helped keep depression at bay for me, cutting a certain toxic person out of my life certainly helped. I’ve also been on a mission to learn social skills the past year which has led to success in making more friends and helped me to feel better about myself. I think there are still opportunities out there for us regardless of age. With age also comes wisdom and knowing ourselves better which can be a positive thing.

I think it’s quite common for Aspergers/ASD to run in families and for it to be missed. It’s only once you can recognise it in yourself that you can see it in others. Once I realised that I had Aspergers I started realising that most of my mums side of the family also probably have Aspergers, I also think my eldest daughter does too (she’s 21 now). Sometimes I feel guilt that I didn’t realise it about my daughter when she was younger, sometimes I get angry that my own mother (highly likely AS) didn’t recognise it in me when I was younger. But I can also see how I needed to go on my own developmental  journey in my own head to see things in myself and realise that I have Aspergers before I could see it in my daughter and others in my family. You weren’t diagnosed til after your daughter died, you could not reasonably be expected to have realised that she had Aspergers when she was younger.

We all have time to interact with you on here so why not chat with people on here and enjoy the social interaction?

My current bout of depression started in 2014. Then obviously events occurred that didnt help matters.before that I had about a four year reprieve where i felt semi-positive and life was reasonably rewarding.  Before this however i had a 6 year long bout of depression of which i felt suicidal throughout.  This pattern has spanned my whole life and i beleive it is driven by social failure.  From a logical perspective i can only extrapolate this trend into the future.  The aweful thing now is that the opportunities and hopes that we have when we are younger are no longer available to me.  

I at least have answers for this in the form of my diagnosis but it doesn't resolve anything.  What conflicts me quite a lot with my daughter is that i beleive she also had undiagnosed aspergers. I remmeber her vividly telling me when she was around 6 years old 'dad...why is it so hard being me?' This was something i acutely could relate to myself as a child and it was utterly heart breaking to hear.

The thing is i take a lot from social interaction and it make me blossom when people take the time to interact with me.  I feel i give far more back than i receive. As you get older tho people have less time for you and if you are not outgoing and happy, people prefer to put you to the back of their mind as it distorts their preferred view of the world.

Depression is horrible, I’ve suffered several episodes of major depression in my lifetime. The last time was about 12 years ago and it lasted nearly two years. That was the worst episode of depression that I have had and I genuinely thought things would never get better, it’s the only time I’ve lost sight of the light at the end of the tunnel. I was grieving for myself. I had an RTA resulting in ABI (on top of Aspergers) and the combination of a traumatic life experience + the loss of part of my cognitive function and trying to adjust to that both neurologically and emotionally + massive knock out of serotonin neurons in the frontal lobes of my brain, catapulted me into a horrible depression. I thought I would be better off dead. I did not see that me being alive was any use to anyone least of all myself. I did not perceive that anyone would miss me if I was gone. BUT I was wrong, the depressive illness had been distorting my thoughts and I did get better, with help and support from the services. 

I’m sure that your daughters death will  stay with you forever. I remember after my dad died when I was 15, my Nan (his mum) never could bring herself to even visit his grave. She never spoke of him either, if anyone else spoke about him all she could say was “poor [insert name]”. I don’t think that a parent can ever get over the pain of losing a child.

I’m sorry that you struggle with relationships. NTs can be a bit of a law unto themselves. Maybe when you are feeling stronger, a fellow ASD sufferer might be easier to have a relationship with? My husband is NT but I often think it would be easier if he was ND as he would ‘get’ me better.

These forums are quite good for social interaction, I know it’s not the same as face to face interaction but it’s a start and there’s quite a good community on here. We all gladly offer support if people need it as most of us have suffered similar experiences ourselves. Maybe chat to people on here and see if you can find common ground with a few people?

As i said before; my life has been plagued with depression long before my daughters passing.  The grief is not raw. I accepted my daughters death the moment i was told. (I.e. i knew the person who told me was not lying and i know death is irreversible). It will always hurt for reasons i will not share and thats something i have to live with forever.  There is no cure for that and no amount of counselling eill take that away from me.   She was my only child however and i do not expect to have anymore as i struggle acutely with romantic relationships. 

I honestly cant see me being in a relationship again.  That in itself is bad as it was the one thing i wanted most in life for a long time. Neurotypical women tend to be the most self centred and manipulative of people in my experience.  I cant play their mind  games.

I see all my friends get married and have kids ect. This is the life i wanted to have.  I dont think it was much to ask but it seems for me this is a step to far.

No one comes to see me or gets in touch other than my parents anymore. People dont like tragedy in my experience.  It reminds them of the reality of life which they would rather ignore.  I have lost my sense of humour entirely.  I dont know who i am anymore.

What happened with your daughter sounds absolutely awful and so unexpected too! What a horrible shock! I’m not surprised you’re feeling so bad! Does the grief still feel very raw? 

It wouldn’t surprise me if traumatic events do make autism worse, or at least more obvious as unfortunately we lack the coping skills that many people without autism have. It’s bad that your social circle and work didn’t react well to it, especially given the circumstances! People can be cruel sometimes. Are there any social groups for people with ASD near where you live?

It does sound as if you are still in the acute stage of grief and also suffering from depression (an illness). I do feel though that you can get through this taking one step at a time