Undiagnosed autism

What are your husband's goals?

If he has no independence and is treated like a child if he makes a mistake, what is he supposed to do to feel valuable?

I totally understand the Aspie need to have everything controllable and predictable, so how do you deal with your children's unpredictability?

Sunflower said:

One of the reasons I became so career focused was that it gave me lots of control. I was very unhappy in my first marriage when I had children and stopped working for a while.

I find it hard not to be critical of my husband - and instead of addressing things in a respectful, sssertive way, I let my frustration build up until I get upset. All our big rows are about the fact I feel over burdened with responsibility for keeping a roof over our heads. 

hi, mirror x

Hi there do hope everything goes ok. It's encouraging that your husband is open to the idea of the counsellor bringing up the possibility of him being autistic.

One of the reasons I became so career focused was that it gave me lots of control. I was very unhappy in my first marriage when I had children and stopped working for a while.

I find it hard not to be critical of my husband - and instead of addressing things in a respectful, sssertive way, I let my frustration build up until I get upset. All our big rows are about the fact I feel over burdened with responsibility for keeping a roof over our heads. 

Since my diagnosis, and given my current state of burnout, he is having to do a lot more. I am hypersensitive at the moment so we end up having silly arguments.

I was paying for something at a till yesterday when he started reaching into the handbag on my shoulder and fishing around for something. It was horribly distracting so I asked him to stop, but he carried on. Later on I asked him why he didn't stop when asked. He said it was because he could not see why what he was doing bothered me!

I suspect my husband and I will always be a mystery to each other but I hope we can get better at working as a team. We have faced several crises previously and come through them OK, so I hope we can do the same again.

I think the reason my diagnosis has disturbed my husband is that he recognises how similar we are. I don't have any negative feelings about identifying myself as autistic, on the contrary I'm actually quite pleased about it. For him it is different I think he believes a diagnosis would diminish him in some way. He does not want to tell his parents I am autistic, which is probably significant.

Thank you so much Sunflower. this is like reading my own story! I also have a previous marriage (plus twins, now 20 yrs old) and a 14 yr old from this marriage whoi s definitely on the spectrum. I was the breadwinner in both marriages but current husband has rattled around providing neither money or support with the household. At the same time I am hypercritical and cannot let him get away with his foolish and unhelpful behaviour so I nag and attack his self-esteem. He cannot accept any responsibility for his faults so it is all a bit unhappy.

He has an individual counselling session tomorrow and I took a deep breath and told him that I thought the counsellor may think he is autistic. He rejected this but did say he would consider it if the counsellor brought it up and he wasn't too annoyed so I am holding my breath for tomorrow!

Thanks Plastic

Personally i love my work . I would say I am a workaholic. We have three children so not many retirement plans. Anyway retirement is my idea of hell!

Because of the children and my business it is pretty impossible to De-stress!

Do you have a shared goal (like being able to retire to the country in 10 years)? It can be a conversation starter to discuss your destination and then talk about why you need less stress in your lives - talk about what he finds stressful and what you find stressful - you might find you have a lot of shared triggers - and then think of ways you could reduce it in the future - it might help you identify today's stress and ways to reduce it right now.

Do you both know what your destination is? A lot of people spend their lives working hard without thinkig about why.

What's the reason for killing yourself working with no end goal?

Thanks for you reply. 

Most unfortunately hr works for me in my own business as he has been unsuccessful in a number of other attempted careers. His stress has accumulated over the years as he has had many failed enterprises (due to his autism as i now realise) We both have pastimes which really add to our stress because of the overly intense way we pursue them!

I am female, recently diagnosed autistic at the age of 58, married for 10.5 years and together for 12. My husband and I saw a Relate counsellor at the suggestion of the Psychologist who diagnosed me. It was disastrous. She was very disorganised at the start of the meeting, had not seen information we were told to submit via an online portal, and we had to spend the first part of the session filling in forms. All I could think of was the money this was costing (Relate charge £50 per hour) and what a waste of time it was. The counsellor did not have any insight into autism, did not control the meeting sufficiently well, and we had a huge row when we got home that nearly led to us splitting up. We didn't go back. 

Since then we have seen another couples counsellor. It was better as he has insight imto autism through family members. I am absolutely convinced my husband is autistic too - this is likely as I read somewhere autistic people are 9 times more likely to have an autistic, rather than allistic, partner.  I have tried to talk to my husband about this but he got very upset and clearly does not want to consider the fact that he may be autistic. When I see the counsellor individually this is something I am going to discuss. My husband came to my feedback meeting with the psychologist who diagnosed me and I often wonder if she picked up on his communication traits that I perceive as autistic. 

My husband's reaction to my diagnosis was quite negative and surly - he said rather grumpily he supposed it was good for me, which I thought suggested it wasn't good for him. My diagnosis has definitely disturbed the balance of our relationship as I am having to review my career. I have always worked incredibly hard so that he does not have to. Now that I realise I need to take things more gently it has put pressure on him to contribute by finding part time work. I am not sure what advice I can give you. I think I might contact the counsellor and explain my concerns to avoid him being identified as possibly being autistic, or held accountable for any issues, in a way that would be unhelpful.

I actually see the fact that my husband and I are probably both autistic very positively. Even if he does not acknowledge it, by redesigning our lifestyle to be autism friendly and reducing the stress we are under, the future could be good for us. I just need to let go of my need to get my husband to acknowledge the fact that he is autisitic - the denial of something that could bring us closer together upsets me. 

I do hope things get easier for you and your husband. Marriage is very challenging (this is my second). Reducing stress and tension and opening up communication seems to be the key to us getting along well. It also helps when we have a special interest or project to unite us and give us a common purpose. 

There's normally an underlying reason why couples are stressed - usually it's money worries that put them both into the 99% stressed mode and then small things push them over the edge into a fight.

Do you both work?

Do you know what behaviours will trigger him? Do you know what stress he's under? (job worries etc.)

Do you have any pastimes that de-stress either of you?