Autism and poverty

The problem with autism is this invisible difference or disability that is difficult to describe in words.

I have had problems through my entire life.

A few years before the debacle described above I was on a government sponsored electronics course.  I then transferred to a centre much closer to home.  

At my exit interview at the old centre I was asked to fill out a lot of paperwork and my trainer showed me the questions the new centre was asking him about me.  And he said very calmly,

" Obviously,  I'm not going to tell them the truth about you"

I was so taken back I couldn't speak.  And even today I regret that I didn't ask him what exactly did he mean by that statement.

It is very worrying.  With insecure work and cuts to the welfare state people can slip between the cracks and end up with little or nothing.

Yes, I've had to adopt an approach which in many ways goes against my education, which always taught me to go for gold and give the absolute most to every task or assignment.  I was programmed, I think, to get 10/10 at all costs and I basically thought that I'd be able to continue this approach in the workplace. 

No chance.  I was crippled with anxiety, unable to speak up at meetings, extremely nervous on the phone, phobic about driving, cautious about approaching anyone and so drenched with fear that I often made mistakes.  The mistakes usually turned out to be something to do with "general knowledge" or "common sense" and I rapidly realised that my education hadn't provided me with much of these. 

I also had to take more sick leave than seemed reasonable as I had to use it as a safety valve to prevent things getting worse.  I basically had to put in loads of effort just to appear normal and to function so, even on days where I achieved very little, i was still exhausted.

It all made me want to retreat into my shell and hide, which is not a helpful stance for a would-be director of finance. 

I really, really don't want my sons to have to go through all of this.  But what can I do to help?  And keep them out of poverty?  Too many jobs out there that seem to ask for loads of people skills and stamina, seemingly asking for those skills in which we're weakest.  All the time. 

It's like driving.  The driving thing.  Which has followed me relentlessly.  I hate it.  I'm too nervous, there are too many factors to consider and I only passed my test by pretending to be someone else and asking myself, before every move, "What would a normal person do now?" then doing it.  But EVERYBODY and EVERY CIRCUMSTANCE seem to require me to drive.  To get to jobs, to perform tasks within jobs, to ferry my kids about when they were younger, to get enough shopping in and now to get to my mother's house as I care for her 3 days a week.  This skill is so much more needed than either of my degrees or my accountancy qualification.  

It feels very much as though I can do the frills but not the essential basics.  Even I wonder why it's so difficult for me and I sometimes find myself giving similar sorts of answers to my dad - "It just is" "I don't want to"  "I really can't". Then responding to myself in the manner of other people with, "Why can't you?"  "But that's just silly!"  or "It's only common sense!"               

Awesome post!

That's horrible but also very vague, with no information or feedback that might have helped you.  I don't know what anyone is supposed to make of comments such as not fitting in, not belonging and others being terrified as this just sounds like character assassination with no detail as to why he felt that way, what actions you might take to remedy things or whether there was anything you did do well.  The employment advisor sounds really unprofessional too. 

Managers who say you don't belong and employment advisors who say they give up - makes me wonder how suited they were to their own roles, to be honest.  :( 

I don’t live in poverty, although some would say I do. They would say I do because I get most of my food from food banks, I rarely pay my bills, I don’t have a car and couldn’t afford bus fare even if I wanted to catch a bus, which I don’t. 

However, getting my food from a food bank feels like a privilege to me and I feel like the food is blessed as it is given with love and generosity. I also much prefer the food bank to the supermarket. I like the people who are there and I get to sit down, have a chat to someone who is asking about me and I get a sandwich and a cup of tea. And when I get home, it’s like Christmas Day as you never know what’s going to be in the bags. 

I haven’t needed much food over the past year and I haven’t needed to travel far. And when I do go out, I go by foot or cycle which is helping to rebuild my fitness levels as I’ve been effectively house bound for the past couple of years. And now, when I’m ready to get a weekly shopping list and eat everyday, I’ve won my pip appeal so I no longer need to get my food from the food bank. I am however going to volunteer there because I realised that they are the people I like to be around and I’d like to be there for others as the volunteers have been for me. 

The job centre sent me for an appointment with Reed who are facilitating a health and well being program that my work coach assured me was not about getting me back into work. However, judging by the questions I was asked and what they told me, it is geared towards getting people back into work. She said are you looking for a job with minimum wage? I said I’m not looking for a job at all. I said my previous wage was £35 an hour and now that I know I’ll never work full time again, I’ll be looking for at least double that per hour. She then asked how confident I am with interviews. So I told her very confident because I don’t have them. My agency sorts all that out. She didn’t know what to say because I wasn’t fitting into her neat little boxes but with all fairness to her, she did say they were committed to helping me in whatever way they can and they do have options. However, I know what I need over the next 12 months and if they can offer it, that’s good and if they can’t, that’s also good because I won’t back down. I’ll work when I’m ready and when I am, I’ll be working for myself, and I do need help with that but I know that one way or another, I’ll get the help I need at the right time. 

Poverty is a mindset which will outplay into the physical if somebody holds to the belief in poverty. Poverty can never be fixed from the outside but it can be fixed from the inside but it requires a person to live counter to popular culture because poverty is part of the fabric of popular culture. I think many autistic people take low paid jobs because they’re easier for us to manage. But I won’t be pushed down that route because it’s convenient for other people. I’ve got nothing against working for low pay, I have a different relationship with money than most people, but for me it’s more about what I can give and I know that I’ve got a lot to give. I just need to take my time and let it happen in a way that serves me. I will also be working (not for pay) with autistic people, to help them find what it is they are passionate about and to turn that into a sustainable financial option for them as well. 

I can see it might be tricky as a woman . My facade is always a happy, smiley 'nice chap' so people accept me on face value - I present no obvious threat or challenge. It's only when thery find out what I'm capable of that the get scared and paranoid about their own incompetence. Manager's grow to fear my abilities are way in excess of their own.

I think it takes about 4 years in a job before the fear of my technical abilities and my lack of emotion disturb the management. Sort of like having a synthetic person (like Bishop from Alien) in their midst.

In a social setting, I can be seen by men as a data-bank/know-all threat. Women see me as a non-threatening, understanding, good listener - sort of their best gay friend (I'm straight).

Yes, I'm pretty sure that the levels of bullying I endured - including from some teachers - was because my autism made me an easy target.

Sorry, that was kinda rude but it hits a nerve ;) I understand camouflage very well and I use similar strategies to you - I'm hyperlexic and have also used intelligence and skills acquisition to mask AS, I've studied symbolic systems and read around AS enough to 'reverse engineer' NT thinking so I can work around it better. But, believe me, gender is a huge issue here. This kind of 'big' personality goes down well in men, but just have a look on twitter to see how extrovert or opinionated women are treated? I'm trying to learn not to react with counter-aggression to cover my anxiety and uncertainty - not knowing how to act. People think it's because they're clever or 'creative' when men live in barely furnished chaos but I'm expected to have Doris Day's home full of 'feminine touches' <barf> I get around some of it as I'm gay but other lesbians also have ridiculous ideas of what a woman should be. I'm so &*(%£!!!!! sick of hearing what a woman should be. My camouflage is designed to make people shut up and leave me alone in the shortest possible time because that seems to be the best I can hope for. Obviously, that's not a fantastic strategy to get on at work. I get away with it because I make the trains run on time and tick all the boxes but things build up, I start to meltdown at work, and I leave the job. On to the next job and run the cycle again.

Being male helps - now try this as a woman? You'll be stoned to death in 10 seconds.

Jenny Butterfly said:

I really pushed myself beyond all reason and making myself ill on occasions

This resonates very strongly - I've driven myself to a couple of breakdowns to 'succeed' but as soon as I do get my foot on a rung I realise I actually can't cope with the high-pressure career I've just invested in training for. I'm in my 60s now and I've learned to 'pace' myself, I choose sectors where part-time or freelance and working at home are possible, I take jobs below my capacity, I learn better and better camouflage strategies, I build in enough space for recuperation so I don't break down every few years. It feels as though every ounce of my energy goes into trying to look 'normal' and making a living and yet I don't really progress. Jenny Butterfly I feel your anxiety about the future even without additional people to protect. I also really agree with people talking about vulnerability to trauma, ending up with bigger financial problems because I don't want to talk to a stranger on the phone, and I'm not sure if I'm more easily 'conned' but I definitely get worn out quickly and just agree to stuff just to close the hassle of getting some utility sorted out etc.

My most embarrassing situation was in 2000 and a Tesco training scheme.

Tesco were opening a new hypermarket and were looking for local staff.

The training scheme was a joint venture between Tesco, the DWP and the city council.  

At the end of two weeks we were guaranteed an interview for an actual job.

At that time I was applying for retail jobs, so the job centre sent me on the scheme making it clear that if I left without completing it or if I was kicked out for any reason, then my benefits would be stopped.

At the end of the first week, I was called into the centre's general manager's office and he told me to leave.  I refused and asked for his reasons.  Throughout the week I was always on time, did everything that was asked and behaved myself.  Eventually after much hesitation he gave me a list.

1. I didn't fit in with the rest of the group.
2. I didn't belong there.
3. The trainers were terrified of me.
4. A supermarket wouldn't employ me in a million years.
5. There is no point in staying here any longer.
6. And he would arrange for my benefits to continue if I left.

So back to the job centre, where my employment advisor threw her arms in the air and said. " I give up!"

Yes, the situation with the DWP is dire, I think.  I imagine it'd be easy to fall into a pattern of being bounced between employers and the Jobcentre+ as the government's threshold for capability to work is much lower than that of many employers.  Likewise many employers' pension schemes take a similar view - "We can't continue to employ you in THIS role but in order to qualify for your pension you must be incapable of taking on ANY role.  Unfortunately we have no suitable roles so you need to go to the Jobcentre." 

Perhaps because I am so recently diagnosed, I am currently tending to look at everything through the lens of autism.  The Autism Team warned me I might.  But I'm sort of seeing a diagram with autism at the centre and the other issues radiating out.  There is also, of course, the interplay with external factors that have nothing to do with autism and are beyond our control but I think I'm more vulnerable to the effects of these too.  I sometimes seem to react very badly to things which I notice NTs are able to easily shrug off.    

I've been in relative poverty my entire life.

My family were similarly in poverty and outcasts from the neighborhood and our community.

Some of it is our fault from bad behaviour and decisions.  And the company we keep.

My mother was a compulsive gambler, she wasted a fortune on the football pools and later the national lottery.  

Then there was the bad company who introduced my parents to hobbies such as stamp collecting, they spent large amounts of money on pointless collections such as first day covers of stamps, whole mint collections of new stamps, etc etc.

Then the coin collecting, again large amount of money gone.

But as children we were short of essentials such as clothes and food.

Now I'm in poverty because the state benefit system is inadequate and I can't find paid work.

The job centre and various employment advisors insist that I'm capable of work.  But employers disagree.  And I fail job interview after interview and when I do find paid employment, the employer discovers quickly that I'm different and gets rid of me promptly.  I've even been kicked off employment training schemes as unemployable.

Dad didn't have much education, so he only ever did low-paid manual work.  Mum always had to work, too - often simply to pay his debts and keep us fed.

I've absolutely no doubt in my mind that my autism was at the root of my bullying at school - and later, in the workplace.  When you don't 'fit', you become a ripe target.  School was hell pretty much the whole way through.

You're probably right - I spotted very early that it was easier to graft a fake personality while everyone else is still a child and hadn't deveolped their own personalities yet.

It probably makes me sound very cynical and calculating as I set out to manipulate the opinions of those around me - but I saw it as a self-defence mechanism..

Yes, that seems to me to be a very sound approach, untainted by the distorted values of much of our society. 

When it comes to bullying and abuse, I also wonder whether this is something to do with autism (I hear this pattern an awful lot) or other factors - the school yard can be brutal for anyone at times.

I do have a fear of poverty instilled in childhood.  But the thing is my dad was never a drinker or gambler.  He just couldn't make a reasonble living or even see that our circumstances weren't reasonable.  As with a massive blind spot, we were all ashamed and afraid of others seeing how we lived, while he would have invited them in to show them his splendid house (complete with filth and grime, green mould and a hole in the ceiling in the bathroom, torn furnishings and a lack of hot running water due to us neither being able to afford a plumber or the elecricity bill).    

Ah, I wonder whether me creating my false personality a little later in life has been a factor?  My persona was created a bit later on, after leaving university and really struggling, so it's been like a very late graft that never really took.  Certainly moving away from accountancy felt as though I was lopping off a very weak and rotten top growth, leaving the much stronger but sadly stunted me underneath. 

I did always know I was somehow different but I'm not sure it was a fully conscious realisation before then.  Leastways, I did cover up my real self in a sort of automatic way, but I couldn't manage to fake extroversion until my late twenties.     

Hi JennyButterfly,

I wouldn't call myself impoverished.  But poverty is relative, like a lot of things - and by the standards in our society, I'd probably be regarded as 'poor'.  I've never made very much money, and currently get by on under £1000 a month.  Half of that goes on rent and council tax.  Then I have the other usual household bills, plus a car to run.  I eat well, even though it's pretty basic food (I don't have a freezer, so shop most days, and I never eat out).  At the end of the month, there's nothing left to put into savings.  It's a pretty frugal existence by most standards.  But I like it.  It's how I prefer to live.  Even on a small income, it's manageable.  I cut my cloth according to my needs.  Some extra would always be nice, so I don't have to worry about unexpected bills, but I don't have any debts.  I have a pathological fear of debt, having experienced the effects of it in my earlier life.  Mum and dad never had much money, and dad was a drinker and gambler.  Some weeks, he wouldn't come home for a few days and would go on a spree - then would have to hide from people he owed money to.  It was a very insecure existence, and mum struggled a lot.  In my early teens, we lived in a tied cottage on the farm where my dad worked.  He was laid off and we were evicted.  The council had to house us in an emergency, and we ended up in a damp flat that affected my mother's health.  The thought of it all now scares me. 

I have a degree and a high IQ, but I've never really been able to capitalise on them.  I'm very much the black sheep of the family.  They've all got houses of their own, big cars, flourishing businesses.  I often wonder, though, how much of it is just what you see - like on Facebook - and if they're in debt underneath it. 

I don't know if there's any connection with autism, though I know I've never been able to cope in high-pressure jobs, and I'd certainly not want to run a business.  I just don't feel secure enough in myself.  Perhaps that's a result of always having low confidence and self-esteem, which itself came from bullying and other abuse I've endured since childhood.  Feeling 'different', too, can have a negative impact.  Some people can rise above these challenges.  In many ways, I think I have.  But again, I don't think anyone would look at me and see someone who is successful and well off.  Not by any stretch.  Maybe my being okay with it is all that really matters, though.