Running Out Of Hope

Alphamale said:

I feel depressed and lonely, is it worth me continuing ?

Yes. I think a few of us have been in that place. My mental health isn't at it's best at the moment, but it was worse a few years ago. I've made the same mistakes again, and again, but suicide is a mistake you only make once. I'd rather be alive to at least try to not make mistakes. I'm not critcizing you either, I've tried it, because I was so desparate. It failed, and that was a turning point. I woke up relieved it failed, ironically. It actually led me to diagnosis, and strategies to cope.

Alphamale said:

I f I go to the doctor I guess I will be put on tablets.

You might be put into contact with a support network too. As for the tablets, it might be helpful for a while. See how they make YOU feel. Some people make assumptions about tablets, but they work for some people. It's what works for you, *** what other people think. If you are at your wits end they might work. See the doctor, be honest, and see what solutions are offered, you might be surprised.

I think you are taking the first step by admitting to yourself that you no longer want to feel the way you do. That's a big turning point.

Be kind to yourself, actually give yourself a pat on the back. You've been brave enough to admit you need change. A journey starts with one step, and you've just taken it.

That's really good that Hr are being supportive. It's up to you, but I found being honest with my colleagues about the things I found hard like being disturbed when doing a big piece of analysis and how sound sensitive I am. It helped them to understand a bit more and make little tweaks to how they worked to make it easier for all of us. They would send me an email to say they needed to ask advise or questions, this allowed me to stop at an ideal point and concentrate on them without stressing. Do what is comfortable for you.

It will come, don't put yourself under pressure to open up, share what you are comfortable with. There aren't rules to it, it's about you .A good therapist will let you go at your own pace. Mine was amazing and I'm pretty certain she knew I was autistic long before I got diagnosed. She certainly wasn't surprised when I contacted her to say it had been confirmed.

Your writing reads a lot less frought than it did previously, so i'm really pleased. No one deserves to feel that way. 

You can always come back here to talk to people who you know really understand :)

Thank you guys for your support, it still tough but not as desperate as when I last posted.

I know support takes time and for feelings to disspate so I must show patience.

I think I must concentrate on one avenue of help at a time, it so easy once you get different avenues to explore to get carried away and get different opinons that muddy the waters.

My HR manager has been a rock and my manager is beginning to show more empathy. Its really my team colleagues who are struggling on how to approach and read me, of course I need to learn as well, I think deep down I know how I should deal with my feelings, its a case of more intention practice.

Where I have hit a brick wall is the ability to express to someone who won't judge me on how I am feeling, hopefully through paid therapy I can express myself and my current personal issues. It is my personal life issues that caused the meltdowns especially relationships.

So once again thank you to all with your support.

I found the email support via Samaritans good to build the initial courage to express how I was feeling. It saved the face to face stuff or blowing it or getting too emotional/struggling to get it out in a phone call 

Nas hang in there! This time 3 years ago I was in the darkest place I've ever been. I was on going through a formal hearing at work, I almost lost my wife and family. Admitting to someone, even an anonymous telephone counsellor how I was feeling and what i was contemplating was the hardest thing I've ever done. It took me 2 months to summon the courage to pick up the phone and do it. Once you do it does become easier to talk about and it does get better. My wife made a comment that she thought I was Autistic as I struggle so much socially.  I mentioned it to the psychotherapist I was seeing and she screened me. One year on from that I was diagnosed and I started to get answers ( and lot more questions) and I started to move forward.

When you hit the bottom the only direction you can go is upwards. Talk to your doctor, they may well put you on tablets, but they do help. If you physically injure yourself, we think nothing of taking medicines to help us recover. Your brain is no different, you're no less a person if you do. Depression is an illness and you need to look at it like that. I'm still on antidepressants the amount goes up and down from time to time and there nothing wrong in that. They just take the top off the peaks and the bottoms out of the lows. 

You've already made a huge step by saying how you feel here, doing that takes enormous courage and strength. You may not feel like it now but you are tougher than you realise and when you come out the other side and you will,you will understand how tough you are.

I will echo Ellie and say contact the Samartians, even if it's just to generally talk to someone at first. It's what they do and they're brilliant a it. 

Take care 

Dan 

If it helps I am also struggling at the moment with my relationship (Im seeking ND diagnosis) and my partner is NT.  

Check out the following as well

https://www.thespark.org.uk/relationship-support-for-couples-individuals/relationship-helpline/

Its free :) and hopefully helpful - it is a free phone number or you can chat online

hang in there

Ellie

I am in Oxon.

My wife and daughter are back soon, so perhaps I will call Samaritans tomorrow.

Do talk to the Samaritans - you can via phone call or they are very good when you email them as well.  There are some sites that offer live private chat support services (though female they kindly spoke to me and were very good). I would post the links but I am at work and the sites are blocked.  

Talk to people here....I for one have had my ups and downs... and as many of us will tell you here, the NAS Moderators ignore any posters in the main who cite suicidal thoughts.  

Where abouts are you based (COUNTY wise)... dont want anymore info than that - so we can have a look at support services local to you/