Published on 12, July, 2020
I've come to a point in my life where, after looking back over it - at the things that have happened, the things I've done and not done, the things I've achieved and not achieved - I can begin to make a reasonable judgment about what's likely to happen with what's left. I have far more behind me than I have in front of me. My physical health is reasonably good for a man of my age. I could carry on for a fair number of years yet before things start to break down physically. But I know that, when they do, I won't want to endure them for very long. I don't want to end up on medications for life (I already have one that I have to take). I don't want to lose my independence, and need support. I don't want to be reliant upon others. When my time comes, I'll take my own action to obviate those things.
I have just over seven years to go now before I will be able to retire. It's unlikely, therefore, that my personal circumstances are likely to change very much. There isn't a great deal I can do to improve my financial situation. The hours I work aren't full-time, but they're as much as I feel able to manage given the current state of my psychological and emotional health. Recent events have shown that my mask is beginning to slip: that after a lifetime of trying to get by in a world which has rarely made much sense to me, I'm reaching the limits of my tolerances. I'm gradually burning out. I'm beginning to break down. Not physically yet... but the physical and psychological breakdowns will work in tandem with one another, of that I'm sure. I've already done myself some damage through drinking, which I've done increasingly heavily over the last ten years. I struggle with stopping it. I've had some periods before of not drinking - a week, two weeks, a month - but I've always gone back to it. Because it's really the only thing that relieves the anxiety I feel most of the time. An anxiety which I've carried with me for most of my life, from my earliest days at school. I have to weigh the damage it does to me against the 'benefits' of feeling temporarily relieved and happy - free of anxiety, able to laugh, able to enjoy myself.
So... what do I think I have ahead of me? Over seven more years of work, with the burn-out accelerating all the time. My financial position doesn't give me much room to change my circumstances in any definite or positive way. I cannot afford to move. I cannot afford to set money aside. There's nowhere else I can go. I have a job which gives me a good sense of satisfaction and life-purpose, but I'm finding the demands of it increasingly exhausting. I simply can't see myself being able to do it for another seven years. Meanwhile, given my age, my options are becoming more and more limited. If I end up having to leave this job through ill health before I can find something else, I face the benefits system, which many of us already struggle with. I had it once before, and it was certainly no fun. It's not the 'easy cop-out' that some of the tabloids like to portray it as. At my age, too - and given my limited skill set - finding something else, and something different, won't be easy.
My Asperger's diagnosis has a double edge. It enables me to make sense of my life. But it also enables me to see how my life has been 'limited' by it. I'm not saying that I wish to change the way I am - but I think it could all have been so much easier if I hadn't been born this way. The positives and negatives of it fly around in my head all day - like leaves in a whirlwind.
To many, I would sound ungrateful in saying this. Focus on the positives. I don't have money - but I also don't have debts. I'm in a location I'd like to leave - but I have a job and a roof over my head. I don't have friends or any close family - but I have this community, and I have my cat. Many people have far less than this, and are much more worse off. I should take reassurance from that. But it doesn't always work that way, does it.
I'm not saying anything that anyone else here doesn't already know. It's a common enough experience. But it helps, though, to write it down. Maybe it helps to share it, too.
Thanks for reading, if you have.
That is certainly far from the maddening crowd by the looks of things. Superb old building.
Take a look...
https://bellingram.co.uk/property/the-bothy-knockrome-craighouse-isle-of-jura-argyll-and-bute-pa60-7xz/
I saw a bothy for sale on the Scottish Isle of Jura. Big island, with only 200 inhabitants. The bothy looks beautiful, too - not just a stone hut. £120k. If I had, say, £200k, I'd not hesitate.
I am nearly 60 too.
Actually in many ways my position is stronger. My flat is paid for, which gives me a little more latitude in choosing work. I do want to take less and less and less morning courses, because I can never sleep properly if there is an early start.I don't want go retire altogether, I doubt my pension would be worth much either anyway. I just want to stay in the field and keep away from office politics altogether, if at all possible.
I want to devote more time to.the Art, though it is a snobby place if you still have no Name to speak of.
One day after the Big Day I was told to return with various documents and continue along the road to naturalization.
Everything is so up in the air, not knowing what is going on with Brexit, my parents' estate! My anxieties centre around all the horrendous turns for the worst in terms of World Events.Things have not exactly taken a fortuitous turn in various places in the last two/three years.
It is impossible not to be aware of mortality now. When Dad first coughed and I first got the inkling that something might be wrong. Atishoo, Atishoo. We do indeed, all fall down. With the massive question mark after all the mess and info ished business, ' But what was that all about?'
I've seen the ranks close many times. The majority of people are cowards - some are relieved not to be the victim (this time), others take pleasure in seeing someone come to grief, especially someone talented and capable.
She is... and more and more people are realising this. BUT... she's got long service, she's reasonably good at the job, and she's got a fan base. Upset her, you upset her fan base - which could then make things even more tricky. On my side, I get on with all the service users (in fact, one of them was worried that I wasn't going back and wrote me a letter to give to me today). And there's that other thing. If, as an autistic person, I'm driven out of an autism charity... I could stir up a lot of trouble. Play them at their own game. I just have this feeling they'll close ranks, as happened to me once before.
Good. Give 'em hell, if that's what it takes. You don't deserve to have to leave over this. If anyone should be out of the door, it's her. She sounds like quite a poisonous influence generally.
I'm simply not going to let another malicious, sociopathic a***hole drive me out of a job and to the point of suicide.
Good on you Tom, because you know what? Sounds like you've come out fighting. Why the hell should she cause you problems for her own gratification? I reckon you're dead right to involve the union if the bosses won't help. Don't let her win!!
I'm working on it!
'A minority is powerless while it conforms to the majority… but it is irrestistible when it clogs by its whole weight.'
We need an Aspie revolution!
Have you read the article that says aspies are the favourite target for bullying narcs? I think it's because we see right through them, and they know we've got them sussed. Unlike many others we don't condone their unacceptable behaviour or feed their narcissism by telling them how wonderful they are (when they're not)..
I'm also reminded of that line in Killing Eve which goes something like: "Never tell a psychopath they're a psychopath; it upsets them!"
I reported the comment by my toxic manager (along with many others) in an exit interview. End result? She's been promoted, so she's making even more people's lives a misery! Keep notes: time, date, any witnesses, and stay clear of her as much as you can.
Another case of majority rule.
Spot on! I've just depressed myself further by reading a case study on autism at work in an HR magazine. An autistic employee notices clear breaches in the application of H&S legislation. When these are drawn to the attention of her colleagues and managers conflict arises as they "see things differently". The resulting interventions seem to focus on the behaviour and actions of the autistic person - as if it is taken for granted that she is wrong - what about re-education of the NTs!
Sunflower said:
The cv we end up with arouses suspicion. We put a positive spin on constart turmoil even though we know the awful truth. The facts often speak for themselves - a steady decline in income, disintegration of full-time professional roles, a shift into part-time and casual low-paid work with limited autonomy and scope to use our specialist skills.
Effectively autistic people are being designed out of the workforce, having never been properly included in the first place.
Well, that's certainly the story of my life. I can see the way things are going just now at work. That 'Did you enjoy your time off?' comment was a subtle tactic, designed to get the rise out of me that she knew I wouldn't be able to give. And, of course, as I said - if I report it, she'll either gloss over it, or I'll be told not to be so sensitive. Thing is... I've got some good guns on my side with this place. As our regional manager said to me after that incident, "If, as an autism charity, we can't support our autistic employees, it doesn't look very good on us." Precisely. So, I've got the behavioural support team working with me. I'm now going to insist that I have no more to do with this woman. If they then say that isn't feasible, then I'll drag the union in. It could be an interesting test case. I'll say to my manager tomorrow that I'm going to keep a record of any other such comments. I know what the woman's game is. Like all narcs, she's insecure and is entirely dependent on her power base. People are drawn to her because she's blunt and outspoken. Even the manager said to me today "That's how she is. She's even shouted at me." And I thought and you let her? She's already done for one colleague because she took against him. She's taken against me, I think, because I don't just slavishly follow her line. And if I think she's wrong over something - such as when she said to me "You shouldn't refer to yourself as autistic, but as a person with autism" - I'll tell her. And she simply doesn't like it. It undermines her fragile ego too much. She can't afford to lose ground. That's why I need to keep away from her, because she'll find every opportunity she can to wrong-foot me and build a case against me.
Sounds about right.
Interestingly, the two confidante work colleagues I've mentioned it to were appalled. One thinks I ought to report it. But she'd probably come back and say 'Oh, I forgot you were on sick leave. Sorry.' Which is why I checked with my manager if everyone knew why I was off, and she confirmed that they all knew I was off sick.
It is all a bit frustrating... Obviously we're a part of the world, and we need to make our place in the world. But we're different, and a small minority, and generally things aren't set up for us. So either we try and fit in to the things that we're not really well adjusted for, and get bent out of shape doing that, or we end up not really doing anything, because the opportunities aren't really there. Neither is a really good situation.
It feels like we need a place where we can concentrate mostly on doing our thing, with some sort of "interface function" that can interact well with both the two different "cultures" and handle the translation between norm and mutie.
When I phoned in sick with a tooth abscess and acute gastritis in March this year my attack dog manager ended the call by saying "Enjoy your day!". This upset me hugely. I could cite many other instances of social pleasantries being misused. Perhaps I am over sensitive and paranoid, but attack dogs employ subtle tactics.