Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello all,
I am interested to know whether any of you have had problems with clutter, and/or dealing with it. Although I do conform in some ways to the Aspie stereotype of everything ordered, organised into its collections and categorised, I came to realise that there is just too much of it.
Many mornings, I have looked at the clutter and unfinished tasks from my bed and felt so overwhelmed that I haven't even wanted to get up. I just want to stick my head under the covers and pretend it's not there. I have accumulated too much stuff over the years, much of it connected with unfinished projects or uncompleted tasks. I have reached the point where I feel oppressed by all this STUFF and it is causing me real stress and anxiety.
I can't keep the house clean or tidy, because there's too much stuff in the way. I took 2 days off work and started a major declutter (managed to do clothes, kitchen and bathroom) but now I feel like I have stalled and that the declutter itself is going to end up on the unfinished projects list.
I look at the state of the place and it makes me feel like a useless human being. I mean, not living in a tip is pretty basic self care, right? And it seems that I can't manage it. Not finishing things is a problem too - I get overwhelmed and give up, then that makes me feel useless too. Does anyone else feel like this?
It's not helped by my OH, who is lovely and very compatible on most levels, but grew up in a really messy house so claims he simply doesn't notice. I tried to explain that either he needs to help me to get some of the junk out of here, or he needs to do his share of the cleaning (he doesn't lift a finger normally). I don't think he took any notice. This seems to be par for the course. I feel like no-one every acknowledges anything is wrong until I break. I feel like they must know (I even tell them pretty directly on occasion), but if they acknowledge it, they might have to do something to help, and so they just stick their fingers in their ears and pretend to be oblivious. I am trying hard not to be hurt/upset by this because in most respects, my OH is great, but what I really feel is: you know this causes me stress and anxiety, and that I can't cope with doing it all, but to help with that you would have to make an effort, and you don't want to do that. In other words, "I don't give a stuff if it makes you miserable, as long as I don't have to lift a finger to do anything about it". He doesn't care enough to help, which upsets me.
I do a full time job with a long commute, so most days I am out at 7am and not home until 7.30pm, so time is a factor as well.
So after that ramble, I would love to know whether anyone else has managed to find a way to organise themselves, to follow through on things and generally to keep their house in order. Or are you all as overwhelmed as I am?
I don't know if this would be a suitable solution but this is what I'd do if my partner was disregarding my needs and offering no support. I'd go with the deadline for him to sort things out but make it clear that if he doesn't do it I'll simply bin the lot the day after the deadline. I'm afraid he's being very selfish and I don't see why you should have to cope with all this emotional as well as physical labour.
The trouble is, if I binned his stuff, I would feel like I was being selfish. If it's only me who wants it gone, and I chuck it out, that's selfish isn't it?
Interestingly, we were having a conversation last night that went off in the direction of emotions and expression thereof. He quite surprised me in that what he thought I was expressing on a couple of occasions was in no way what I was actually feeling (he is NT, me Asperger's by the way). Now I am wondering if he (or anyone else) actually knows if I am upset, if I am not actually crying. I am not someone who experiences a great many emotions, I would say, and hate overwhelming emotions (mine or anyone else's) - they actually frighten me because I don't know what to do with them. Usually I just run away.
So now I am wondering whether he is actually being selfish and doesn't care, or whether he really has no clue how much this upsets me / makes me anxious. At least it gives me a new angle to approach this from. On the back of last night's conversation, I am just going to ask him straight whether he knows when I am upset. Could explain a great deal if it turns out he has no idea!
I have been misinterpreted in various ways for my entire life, so I guess my acting skills (around this looks like anger / upset etc) might not be as good as I think they are, and I suspect that for the average NT I don't give much away. My body language is very limited, and apparently I substitute a smile for many other expressions! They certainly don't seem to be able to gauge how I feel from the outward signs, either thinking it's WAY worse than it is and overreacting, or not noticing at all when I am troubled by something.
Food for thought, I think!
I think you're probably right that your husband isn't getting how his behaviour is impacting you. I've had issues like this, too, with people not believing my emotions until I break. I hope the two of you can sort this out. It's great that you're talking about it. Good luck for taking the discussion further.