Separation

Well, that was an interesting read! 

So, Hypothesis 6 seems to fit the bill. It’s all about the metaphorical toothbrush!

. said:

:( it does seem us auties can be given the leper badge. Do you think they worry it’s contagious or just a bother?

Disgust as a Disease-Avoidance Mechanism

Abstract

Many researchers have claimed that the emotion of disgust functions to protect us from disease. Although there have been several discussions of this hypothesis, none have yet reviewed the evidence in its entirety. The authors derive 14 hypotheses from a disease-avoidance account and evaluate the evidence for each, drawing upon research on pathogen avoidance in animals and empirical research on disgust. In all but 1 case, the evidence favors a disease-avoidance account. It is suggested that disgust is evoked by objects/people that possess particular types of prepared features that connote disease. Such simple disgust are directly disease related, are acquired during childhood, and are able to contaminate other objects/people. The complex disgust, which emerge later in development, may be mediated by several emotions. In these cases, violations of societal norms that may subserve a disease-avoidance function, notably relating to food and sex, act as reminders of simple disgust elicitors and thus generate disgust and motivate compliance. The authors find strong support for a disease-avoidance account and suggest that it offers a way to bridge the divide between concrete and ideational accounts of disgust.

Oaten, Megan & J Stevenson, Richard & Case, Trevor. (2009).

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/24170514_Disgust_as_a_Disease-Avoidance_Mechanism .

Deepthought said:

As such then, you asserted that ElephantInTheRoom is a talented-capable individual, or else that she is not. 

Then:

DongFeng5 said:

Uh, no, actually. 

But I shan't say what I asserted, since it was clearly unwelcome. 

With now the luxury of hindsight, I think that using the word 'proposition' would have been more appropriate. Sorry then about using the word 'assertion' ~ in that it completely slipped my mind about the 'allegation' (legalistic) aspect of it's etymology. I only used the term in the positive sense of you 'proclaiming' "But talented" ~ in respect of it being a compliment to and an affirmation of ..

In respect of the "ouch!" statement and what your intentions were, I took the first tract of your statement "But talented,' as being a validation, and the last tract of the statement, 'or no?' ~ as being a reminder come confidence booster.

As such, for those with a more confident-extrovert type of character ~ this way of encouraging such people is rather a bonus, and works a treat given that they enjoy a challenge by which they may individually and collectively develop, test or prove themselves. Thus when moral and ethical considerations are wholly in this way followed, such conscientious endeavours are certainly worth while, and definitely as much commendable. 

When it comes to people with more reserved-introvert character types, especially where low self-esteem is involved [as previously above described], expressions like "Horse-for-Courses" and "One Person's Medicine is another Person's Poison" ~ do tend to become rather relevant, as we have discovered. 

In terms of your explanation about what you meant, and going by your conduct when you realised you had caused upset ~ I most certainly would not state that your input is or even was unwelcome; as it seems very much now as it did then as being an honest mistake that was made in well meant good faith.

After all, we are as a community somewhat more composed of people with social interaction, imagination and communication difficulties. Thus if honest mistakes really were unwelcome, none of us by default of our diagnosis ~ could really be wholly welcome as a Community Member on this forum. 

Mistakes then are bound and certain to happen here, as is the case elsewhere ~ given that "To Err 'IS' Human", and thus it is by far healthier a thing that we learn from our mistakes together when befitting ~ by way of constructive assessment rather than destructive judgement, and by way of creative rehabilitation rather than unproductive punishment. If this is not the case, learning potential is either more often than not in general corrupted, or wasted. 

Keep in mind perhaps also that I only use assessment to systematically account for things in the order that I am aware of them occurring in, and I have no interest whatsoever in terms of making people feel bad about themselves or feel guilty about their actions ~ just as I have no interest whatsoever either in terms of making people or particular groups of people seem unfavourable.

Many people have imagined quite incorrectly that I am not in favour of them or someone else, and many people have also been rather unfavourable about me being very much in favour of all living beings equally. The only side I really can say I am on when asked ~ is the top surface of this planet for the most part, what with tunnels and aircraft etc being involved as the obvious exceptions.

P.S. Also, I always appreciate constructive feedback, and I always reserve the right to at least be entirely wrong ~ most especially and particularly when I am entirely wrong about being entirely wrong! ;-)

Deepthought said:

As such then, you asserted that ElephantInTheRoom is a talented-capable individual, or else that she is not. 

Uh, no, actually. 

But I shan't say what I asserted, since it was clearly unwelcome. 

I was devastated when one Christmas my then husband told me he wanted us to split up. I now know it was the best thing he could have done for both of us. In leaving he freed me from a relationship in which he'd always expected me to do the emotional labour. Yours sounds as though he's similar. You have nothing to reproach yourself with, you always tried to do your best (as I had). Good luck. What's to come won't be easy but I hope you'll find a new you at the end of it. Without his negativity I suspect you'll discover how much you like yourself.

DongFeng5 said:

I think you lost me there, sorry. 

"Does not compute". 

When people continually have their talents used as prop for others' selfish obsessions, they are as much being taken advantage of ~ as they are being taken for granted.

The longer this goes on, the more a person's self-esteem depressurises. They get more depressed and lose confidence in themselves, and become less likely to recognise the productive potential of their abilities. Assuming or expecting the worst becomes standard procedure, due to it being experientially relevant, and in some way regular or persistent.   

As such then, you asserted that . is a talented-capable individual, or else that she is not. 

Therefore you unwittingly reframed your positive assertion with a negative suggestion ~ and got together the "ouch!"

I think you lost me there, sorry. 

"Does not compute". 

DongFeng5 said:

Why? Why "ouch"?

. like everyone else is so much more than the sum of her parts, and functional equivalences can for some detract from their sense of self ~ what we do or can do is not what we are sort of thing.

Thanks to all for your support. He has had casual affairs in the past and i have no doubts that he is hoping to find someone else. I have only one friend and i don’t see her very often. I have a great therapist though and she has helped me a lot. I am not good at meeting people and i has invested so much into my marriage. My friend also told me I may be better off in the long term. I do have a lawyer now and we are trying to work out financial arrangements. I suffer from very bad anxiety so it is now going through the roof. I think there is also a mid life crisis going on there as he wants to “feel alive “. The good side is that I feel free to be myself again.

Why? Why "ouch"?

No offence intended...

Ouch!

Agreed. Is there, perchance, any sign of "a younger model" on the horizon?

. said:

I exist mainly mute

But talented, no?

I'd guess he was almost out the door with your disability and immuno problems - he's probably thinking "Why should I have to put up with all these problems? I should be enjoying life at this age." The AS diagnosis is just another problem that he has to bother about. He's taken the coward's route.

:( it does seem us auties can be given the leper badge. Do you think they worry it’s contagious or just a bother? I exist mainly mute but functionally useful to those NTs I encounter that way they leave me alone in the main

well done you for finding yourself in a better place.

it is a tiring business being what others want you to be or “fitting in”. Do nuture yourself. I hope you have some support around you (quality not quantity is key). I also hope other areas in your life are fairly stable for you so you can sail in calm seas 

 Your husband sounds incredibly narrow-minded and weak. He stayed with someone who he didn't think was suitable for 30 years in the hope that you would change to fit how he wanted you to be. Once his life was no longer comfortable for him (probably because of your other disabilities and you needing to help him rather than being the other way round) he got up and left with the cruellest of reasons - I'm leaving as I don't like you as you, when you've always been this way. It sounds like your better off without him. At least he's now set you free so (if you want to) you can go off and find someone who truly loves you.

I agree with others that you should be cautious about being friends. Maybe you will be friends but statistically its unlikely and he's already said he doesn't think NT and autistic people go well together. It could help to take a black and white view of this from now and ensure that everything is split evenly, employing support such as a lawyer sounds very sensible.

I split with my partner at Xmas and a contributing factor was due to his mother's reaction to my diagnosis in Oct - she told him he'd be better off with someone normal. It was tough at the time but 8 months later I'm the happiest I've ever been.

What an awful heartbreaking experience. I honestly don't believe the Autism diagnosis was the real reason for his behaviour though, rather it sounds like he was just using that as an excuse. Trying to blame you for the seperation by saying that Aspies & NTs don't mix, just seems to be a fairly transparent attempt to avoid taking any responsibilty himself.

You mentioned not being able to understand what he wants. Based on your description, what he wants is to walk away from a marriage of 30 years for allegedly trivial reasons & with little or no consequences. You haven't said anything about financial or living arrangements, but I would strongly suggest taking legal advice because the 'Lets stay close friends' comment could also be interpreted as a way of discouraging you from making things difficult for him financially.

He sounds quite manipulative, so hopefully once you have recovered from the initial shock, things will improve for you.

I shouldn't really be trying to give relationship advice though, not with my awful track record.

Take care

You are totally right. I have exhausted myself trying to conform to NT expectations and have greatly suffered as a result

I jokingly suggested that maybe I should go to my GP for some pills for the autism. He brightly answered “oooo can you do that”?

yes, it’s a sad situation but it really is his loss. You cant change who you are or adjust your behaviour just to suit others. In doing that you suppress your true self and that ain’t healthy