Published on 12, July, 2020
I am not talking about shutdowns here - I am wondering if meltdowns can be implosive but just as destructive?
It is often triggered by change or overload and the result is this overwhelming sensation that leaves me having serious suicidal thoughts and wanting to hurt myself.
I am often left with this feeling of despair but cannot act in a usual explosive way - the result is what appears to be severe depression from the outside, but I struggle to eat, sleep and get fixated on morbid thoughts. I also weep, but not in a crying whimpering way, my eyes constantly produce tears but there is no emotional response to go with it. Inside though I am screaming, I just can't or don't know how to express it - or afraid that if I do I will hurt myself.
These can last from anything from a day to a week or so where the severity starts to ease, but when they take hold they are crippling.
I am diagnosed with ASD and I am also certain I suffer with Alexithymia as I struggle to understand or express my emotions - these states for me are the same as taking someone who cannot swim and dropping them in the middle of the ocean and telling them to make their own way back. It's too much and it's completely overwhelming. Could Alexithymia also contribute to these types of states?
The problem I have is if I go to a doctor I cannot explain what I am feeling or what I am going through - this is a combination of mutism and difficulty communicating. When I try and describe these types of episodes, I am left with confusing responses or they are trivialised as not being that serious. For me they are very real and very serious.
The part that scares me as I cannot function during these stages and the obsession with suicidal and self-harming thoughts is particularly strong this time, which frightens me. The way I am trying to cope with these is by rationalising the feelings, such as this was probably triggered by stress, or sensory overload etc.
I was skeptical when I was prescribed Mirtazapine due to my long history of being overly sensitive to medication and it not providing the desired results; however, despite this Mirtazapine does appear to be helping me. My anxiety isn't gone by any means, but it is manageable and probably the lowest it has been for a long time. I have had to deal with some very stressful situations these last 10 days and if my anxiety was as high as it has been, then it could have been enough to push me too far. I am also finding it is helping with sleeping and easing the depression. Side effects seem to be limited to an increased appetite and craving for sweet foods, so I need to watch this and I sometimes feel a bit muzzy if I take the tablet too late at night. This is my own fault though for having a poor nighttime routine at the moment.
Hope it helps you too.
I’ve had meltdown for three days now off work for the rest of the week,sensory overload might have triggered it everything is too loud even being in a quiet room gets too much.Ive been given Mirtzapine hope these work
Yes I sympathise with you as I often need the smaller details and routines to manage how I tackle my day. Sadly this is something that I rarely get and this week has been particuarly bad with a number of changes and me interpreting things literally because it wasn't clear what I needed to do. The end result is frustration both for me but for the people I work with and I have been left feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.
These things can seem so trivial to NT and I wish I could get them to empathise with the impact not having these things in place can have on an individual with ASD.
I rarely express my emotions and suppress a lot of emotions, mainly because I don't understand or know how to deal with them. I wonder if this could also cause a build up leading to an implosive reaction.
I relate closely to what you have shared, my meltdowns can be very similar. Having 3 children means I frequently have to moderate my meltdowns and behaviour around them which means my meltdowns tend to go inwards. I have shutdowns too but they don't have the same intensity of emotions.
Like you, I really struggle to identify what I'm feeling and I just can't seem to describe these episodes in a way that conveys just how much of an effect they are having on me. Because I appear to be functioning on the outside, no one seems to understand that on the inside I am in a self destruct setting. If I had a diagnosis of depression then I wonder if they'd understand better? But I don't have depression so even trying to explain that it's like a very very intense but short lived episode of depression is just dismissed. I have had depression in the past and I find an "implosion" is harder to be in at the time of happening, but I also know rationally that it will only last a few days to a week so I just have to wait it out.
I am learning to adapt life to avoid implosion triggers as much as possible while still living life. It's not easy as family and friends can struggle to understand why I want to know so many details about an event and so many specifics, or want to follow a certain routine or even want to be so specific about where we go to eat/where we sit and more specifically where I sit to be comfortable. They don't seem to understand that taking care to get the small details of the day...things that they do without thought...can make a huge difference to helping prevent a build up of stress when bigger issues come along that are less controlable.
I seem to have written quite an essay!