Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi there,
So I have been with my boyfriend for just over 6 months now, he is 19 I am 18. First 2 months were amazing, he was expressing so many feelings and affection to me, then it just stopped. Our arguments have become so horrible and heartbreaking, he is so stubborn and it is hard for me to help him as he does not realise his actions. He constantly says phrases like he doesn’t care if I break up with him or care if I leave him, making me think, what even is the point? I have researched and asked my mental health nurse for lots of advice as I suffer from OCD anxiety and depression, which does conflict which his bluntness and honesty from Asperges. I am just struggling as he says to me the way he expresses his anger is through name calling etc, but it is getting to the point that my self esteem has been ruined and I feel worthless and a burden on him. We are going through a lot of trouble with our housing, meaning that I have been staying at his flat as my shared house is in a bike condition. I have had the impression from him and his employer that I am the reason he doesn’t go to work all the time. I am confused as he had been on fulltime and enjoying it. Then he used excuses like he can’t be bothered and he’s too tired for work. I had to motivate him , make his breakfast and packed lunch for work and push him to get up and without me, he would have lost his job. Now I have been told I HAVE to sleep away from him 3 nights a week so he can work, I understand he needs space but he’s making it out that my presence is stopping him from having a job when I’m reality, I am the reason why he hasn’t lost his job yet. I just need advice as I am unsure if the behaviour and constant shouting, screaming, aggression , name calling and insults is actually linked to Asperges or he has underlying anger problems or he is just a mean person. I love him to bits and our good times are great but I’m struggling to see any connection with him to our relationship anymore and he seems more interested in his games console than me. And he knows he hurts me and he watches me cry in pain as he has upset me and called me disgusting things or shouted at me, but as a result he says ‘stop f***ing crying it’s irriating me’ and things like that. It hurts as once he is calm he does feel remorse but in the heat of the moment he can be so cruel and he does not care that my depression is getting worse due to his cruel worlds to me. Sorry this is long I just need advice and any coping mechanisms to help me avoid arguing with him and the right way to act when he has his meltdowns. Thank you
Who else does he trust? He's obviously got problems and worries (employment, housing and relationship are the big three) that he needs help with, possibly professional help, and maybe some help communicating with you. When he has meltdowns, I'd suggest just leaving him to recover. Autistic people often have long periods of focus where we are consumed with one thing, sometimes but rarely a relationship. Oh, and autistic people are often blunt, but that doesn't always mean they mean what they say when looking for someone to blame.
There are quite a lot of other threads on the forum from partners, such as:
https://community.autism.org.uk/f/adults-on-the-autistic-spectrum/7559/advice-needed-boyfriend-with-suspected-aspergers/
Hope other people chip in.
He doesn’t really trust anyone. I understand his stress as he has been in care all his life and never really had a bond with his mum or dad. He had suffered abuse and i had spoken to him about everything and I think the best option is for us to have more space and nights alone as he had said he doesn’t mean to hurt and upset me it just comes out when he’s angry. Thank you for your advice I will use it and hope that space and time alone will help it realise that I am not trying to be horrible to him or moan at him I just want it to work.