Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi there,
So I have been with my boyfriend for just over 6 months now, he is 19 I am 18. First 2 months were amazing, he was expressing so many feelings and affection to me, then it just stopped. Our arguments have become so horrible and heartbreaking, he is so stubborn and it is hard for me to help him as he does not realise his actions. He constantly says phrases like he doesn’t care if I break up with him or care if I leave him, making me think, what even is the point? I have researched and asked my mental health nurse for lots of advice as I suffer from OCD anxiety and depression, which does conflict which his bluntness and honesty from Asperges. I am just struggling as he says to me the way he expresses his anger is through name calling etc, but it is getting to the point that my self esteem has been ruined and I feel worthless and a burden on him. We are going through a lot of trouble with our housing, meaning that I have been staying at his flat as my shared house is in a bike condition. I have had the impression from him and his employer that I am the reason he doesn’t go to work all the time. I am confused as he had been on fulltime and enjoying it. Then he used excuses like he can’t be bothered and he’s too tired for work. I had to motivate him , make his breakfast and packed lunch for work and push him to get up and without me, he would have lost his job. Now I have been told I HAVE to sleep away from him 3 nights a week so he can work, I understand he needs space but he’s making it out that my presence is stopping him from having a job when I’m reality, I am the reason why he hasn’t lost his job yet. I just need advice as I am unsure if the behaviour and constant shouting, screaming, aggression , name calling and insults is actually linked to Asperges or he has underlying anger problems or he is just a mean person. I love him to bits and our good times are great but I’m struggling to see any connection with him to our relationship anymore and he seems more interested in his games console than me. And he knows he hurts me and he watches me cry in pain as he has upset me and called me disgusting things or shouted at me, but as a result he says ‘stop f***ing crying it’s irriating me’ and things like that. It hurts as once he is calm he does feel remorse but in the heat of the moment he can be so cruel and he does not care that my depression is getting worse due to his cruel worlds to me. Sorry this is long I just need advice and any coping mechanisms to help me avoid arguing with him and the right way to act when he has his meltdowns. Thank you
When my partner moved in with me, I stopped going to work even though he did everything to encourage me to go. I didn't have a diagnosis then but I've since learned, that even if I want to spend more time with somebody, in order for me to function in society, I need my own space. If you're there most of the time it may cause him inner stress and confusion which he doesn't understand which could be causing him to act out without any real awareness of what he's doing and I can see how your depression would impact on him. I'm sure you will have a much better chance of getting along better if you don't live together and you focus your energy on getting to the root cause of your challenges and sorting them out while he does the same with his. You could then come together to spend some nice times together without the stress that comes with two people living together. Being subjected to such negative attacks would cause anyone to lose their confidence and self esteem and make them unable to think clearly so moving back to your own place or getting somewhere more suitable to you is essential for your well being regardless of how the relationship pans out.
He is emotionally and psychologically abusing you and I am concerned for your safety.
He is not behaving in a loving way towards you at all.
I was in a situation like this 7 years ago and it was confusing and terrifying in equal measures. I also had feelings for the guy so found it difficult to reconcile the 'nice' , 'sensitive' guy from the terrifying and unstable side of him. My emotions see-sawed back and forth and I know now this was more my attachment mechanism and not real love.
I suspect the way he 'love bombed' you those first 2 months was to trigger your (physiological) attachment to him and get you hooked on him.
(A great book on the science of attachment is 'Attached' by Heller and Levine)
People who are abusive are controlling and manipulative and usually troubled. It's not your job to 'fix' him.
Irrespective of what diagnosis he may or may not have what he is doing is impacting your mental health and happiness.
Please seek advice to discuss your options, expecially before looking to leave if this is what you plan to do (highest risk time for victims of abuse ).
Read this :
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/jun/24/charming-men-dangerous-lovers-sandra-horley-domestic-violence-refuge-book-abuse
KNOW THE SIGNS:
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/
You can still speak to domestic abuse charities for advice even though he hasn't physically assaulted you.
Verbal abuse is still abuse and part of a pattern.
Saz
He doesn’t really trust anyone. I understand his stress as he has been in care all his life and never really had a bond with his mum or dad. He had suffered abuse and i had spoken to him about everything and I think the best option is for us to have more space and nights alone as he had said he doesn’t mean to hurt and upset me it just comes out when he’s angry. Thank you for your advice I will use it and hope that space and time alone will help it realise that I am not trying to be horrible to him or moan at him I just want it to work.
Who else does he trust? He's obviously got problems and worries (employment, housing and relationship are the big three) that he needs help with, possibly professional help, and maybe some help communicating with you. When he has meltdowns, I'd suggest just leaving him to recover. Autistic people often have long periods of focus where we are consumed with one thing, sometimes but rarely a relationship. Oh, and autistic people are often blunt, but that doesn't always mean they mean what they say when looking for someone to blame.
There are quite a lot of other threads on the forum from partners, such as:
https://community.autism.org.uk/f/adults-on-the-autistic-spectrum/7559/advice-needed-boyfriend-with-suspected-aspergers/
Hope other people chip in.