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Social mistakes in school - help x

Jessicaaaaa

Hiya, I have written a few times on here now. After my last post about a toxic friendship, I decided to stand up to the girls and say that I was feeling left out. They told me it was "my fault" and they told people not to talk to me. Mature, yes but I have not been able to get out of bed all week because of how upset I have been. I was always very paranoid around these girls, one knew I had aspergers and used that information to make me upset.

I recently found a new group of girls. They are the sweetest girls and are a lot more like me, studious, love reading. I feel me when I am with them. I know the next part is going to sound bad but this community has helped me so much, even just as a space to get it all out. These lovely girls aren't "popular" and don't go to house parties or drink at the weekends, which is the same as me. I have a few friends in the "popular" group- not close friends- and I am worried that they won't want anything to do with me if I am not as "popular as before" - I am a complete geek and very quiet-. With my Asperger's, I constantly worry what people think of me and if they like me and if I am being socially acceptable( very tiring if you are the same). I know this sounds awful, and you may think I am a horrible person for saying this, I feel bad for thinking this. I love these girls though and I know I shouldn't care what people think of me. But I do. Does anyone have any tips on learning how to not give a thought to what people think? I am so sorry if you think I am a horrible person, I am bad at phrasing things and I am ashamed I have this thought process. These are the only real friends I have had in years.

Thank you so much, I hope you are all doing okay x 

Jess

  • Hey, on top of what everyone else said, I would advise you the book "Queen bees and wannabes" (you might find it in online library genesis). It quite helped me as a woman/girl with Asperger too to understand this popularity works, because after school there is a workplace, etc. 

    Secondly, you are not a terrible person and it's natural to care what others say or think about us. It's not always healthy for us as it might be an expression of anxiety, and sometimes it's Aspergers Egocentricity showing its face (because people don't see us, don't think about us and don't talk about us nearly as much as we tend to think) and in general, it might worry us, but it's totally natural. You care and you feel a bit wrong with the whole situation which possibly means that your boundaries are being broken. With that said, as a young person with Asperger I was terrible with boundaries, but recently with a lot of online reading I started training them. It helps to feel independent and strong. After some time I gained this feeling of "I won't let you treat me bad" (whoever you is). 

    Have you seen "Coping: Asperger guide" (online for free) that talks about social skills?

    There is a lot of negative self-talk in your post like that you are ashamed of your thought process and that you are bad at phrasing things - I think in your post there is actually a lot of raw truthfulness and real emotion, which is, possibly, the best way to phrase things. You seem like a bright young person (I am not that old either, I am in 20s) and I hope you will find the resolution, along with peace of mind :) 

  • Sorry to hear this has been so upsetting. I've not idea what things are like for teenage girls and women particularly nowadays. It sounds like there are two groups, the 'geeks' and the popular kids, and ideally you'd like to be in with both of them. I think it's great you've found the new group. Young people usually do worry about their social standing. I don't see why anyone would think you were 'a horrible person'.

    I'd say to take it on a person-by-person basis rather than worrying about status or popularity. If there are people whose company you enjoy, great.

    Jessicaaaaa said:
    I am worried that they won't want anything to do with me if I am not as "popular as before"

    Well if they don't on that basis, then they're probably not worth having as friends. Is it that within the 'popular' group, there's one girl who's been telling people not to talk to you? That sounds like bullying, and people can stand up to that, ignore it, or go along with it. I think they should ignore it and hang out with who they want to, as can you.

    Jessicaaaaa said:
    Does anyone have any tips on learning how to not give a thought to what people think?

    Talk it through with other people you trust, telling them exactly what happened and how you feel. Just, as DC says, realise there are more important things in life. I keep mentioning books on cognitive behaviour therapy, as they probably include some tips. One rather extreme example is someone's advice to walk down the street in a large multicoloured wig - it's good practice at not caring what other people think.

  • Greetings. Hopefully someone else will post something(s) better than this. But...

    You sound like a young 'un. Please write something upon your Profile page apart from "xxx". I am an old fogey, at past 45... (!)

    You sound as if you know what you are all about, and that is a good thing. (You also sound like you are at the edges of "being bullied"!) My advice would be to leave what is "popular" (or do it in your own way) - yet most of all... hang out with whomever is making you feel comfortable and happy.  "Worrying" about this, that, or the other is grist-to-the-mill for those of us with Autism... and so simply do as you want, yet always HEED whatever is worrying you (i.e. - do not ignore it). If you have questions or doubts, ask or find out somewhere. But, I say again, do not pander to hostile/damaging "peer pressure" ("being popular")...

    In the long run - about 20 years?!? - this is the best strategy. Do whatever is making you alright, and become stronger within yourself, and for yourself you should work out what is good and what is not good. I cannot say much more than that, we all had to go through it. Good Luck to You.