Stepping out on my own! - breaking ties rather than keep trying to conform and failing

Hi Ellie. I am no good at wise words. If you want to chat message me. I have left everything behind to escape the violence and abuse but I was 18, a long long time ago. My life has had its ups and downs since then, not all of them healthy but had i stayed at home either they would have killed me or broken me even more.

the question I ask is Ellie if I sat down with you and told you the things that are in your life, what would you advise me to do?say

Song

Thank you Song. 

I’m at the hospital at the moment visiting my OH. I’m sure that my situation is not as bad as yours but do feel like one of life’s hobos trying to steer a straight course and never quite belonging... flitting from place to place until I’m no longer wanted.

The day to day is manageable as long as you grit teeth, cling onto pride and overcompensate by always trying to do the right thing and comply.

Im not the easiest of people ... a hungry mind and a soul that needs feeding with calm and positive action.

a good friend of mine once said that due to such a chipped away sense of self worth I have chosen what I think is “good enough” for me. But invariably it is not....I need more space, I need to breathe

i hope you’re ok. 

Thank you Song. 

I’m at the hospital at the moment visiting my OH. I’m sure that my situation is not as bad as yours but do feel like one of life’s hobos trying to steer a straight course and never quite belonging... flitting from place to place until I’m no longer wanted.

The day to day is manageable as long as you grit teeth, cling onto pride and overcompensate by always trying to do the right thing and comply.

Im not the easiest of people ... a hungry mind and a soul that needs feeding with calm and positive action.

a good friend of mine once said that due to such a chipped away sense of self worth I have chosen what I think is “good enough” for me. But invariably it is not....I need more space, I need to breathe

i hope you’re ok. 

In answering this i am very aware that people have to act a certain way around me, but and it's a big but I don't do any harm either physically, mentally or emotionally by this, so back to you. It is very easy to accept people's bad behaviour and to normalize it, or make changes in your behaviour so their bad behaviour isn't prompted but their bad behaviour is not your fault.

I don't know anything of your situation but Ellie if the reference to his refusal to accept no is a sexual one then I'm sure you do know that rape is rape even in a marriage. 

while I would possibly agree that he may have a personality disorder that doesn't mean you have to bear the brunt of it.

do you love him? not are you used to him but do you live him, the him you have now? 

You have said that you need space and calm, I agree and I would take it if I were you.

I think i might be rambling on so I'm going to stop for the moment.

Also I am worried I am being to heavy so if I am I am sorry

Morning Song

Thank you for your offer to be so open about your own situation. 

At the moment, confusion abounds in terms of who I can trust and who I cannot and trying to understand the behaviours and motives of others are always a challenge particularly when considering the best way forward.

Two central issues are apparent, however, firstly his non acceptance of the word "no", and the fact that others accept his behaviour and therefore it becomes normalised - "you know what he's like".... then the behaviour is forgotten and we carry on.

I can rationalise things in terms that his past has meant that he lacks the ability to articulate feelings verbally and his temperment can swing from kindness to coercive and can recognise this as a personality disorder. 

I do wonder if he ever contemplates the impact that his behaviour has or feels guilt.... or maybe that is me being too kind and trying to excuse his behaviour and "humanise" him.

My head is rather "soup" like at the moment with lots going on and the practicalities going forward, quite a challenge.

thank you

Ellie i think I must have miss written. I am in a good place now and have been for decades, I escaped.

gritting your teeth, trying to cling to a sense of self and overcompensating is not healthy. You are a bright clever woman, you don't have to put up with being bullied, belittled, and "behaving" to avoid violence. You don't deserve what you are getting.

if you walk away you haven't failed. You can still have your pride.

Please do not allow your sense of self worth to be chipped away so much that you no longer exist.