Stepping out on my own! - breaking ties rather than keep trying to conform and failing

I am pretty much on my own, and the grass is always greener on the other side. As Martian Tom said, before his current disappearance, it's a dilemma between being cut off from people, and not being able to get on with them. When I was much younger, I did move to another city and intend to cut off all ties. It didn't last long.

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NT life

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their hoops

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making a mess of it

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such ties as family and relationships

These are generalisations. It may help to be more specific. Sorry, if that sounds rude.

I don't think cutting ties or burning bridges is a good idea. A holiday on your own might be a chance to experiment. There's that silly idea from Men are from Mars that men need a shed at the bottom of the garden more than women do. We all need autonomy and peace and creative time to ourselves, maybe just autistic people a bit more. I do need people, but they are unpredictable, so I'll accept whatever happens.

Maybe more going on here than I realised. Could be worth contacting Women's Aid?

I'll delete my posts if asked.

Maybe more going on here than I realised. Could be worth contacting Women's Aid?

I'll delete my posts if asked.

Yes... it’s been a while since I’ve read Plato’s cave... you are as bright and perceptive as always DT.... I will try and slowly accustom myself to the sunlight...

I hope you are well

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The existential question (one of many) is who built the cage?

Recall or consider anew perhaps the information via the following link:

https://web.stanford.edu/class/ihum40/cave.pdf

The existential question (one of many) is who built the cage? I find myself at this juncture but am fully conscious that is partly of my own making. To be in an environment of such behaviours makes me also complicit in that I have accepted them...

“LAYERS OF CONSCIOUSNESS: GESTALT MOMENTS OF PERSONAL CONSCIOUSNESS.

Imagine an HOUR GLASS and at the top of the hour glass we have THE ROLES we play (as if /sympathetic/ clichés/ manipulation)...The games we play within those roles are: helpless, keeper, good boy, stoker, ego ideal, Personal, self systems. The way to get out of those roles is to: 1. Give up selling yourself, 2. Give up your self ego, 3. What would happen if I stop pretending?As we move down the hour glass, before we land in the middle, we come to the PHOBIC STAGE... (Fear of pain, interruption, confusion compulsive repetition)...In this space we are afraid to be what we are. It is where our addictions, attitudes, dread, unwilling to go through pain, maintaining the status quo... The way out is: 1. Develop discipline, 2. Be willing to suffer pain, 3. Encounter unpleasantness, 4. Discover what you want to do...WHAT DO YOU WANT?

In the center, you are in the IMPASSE, (stuck, emptiness-- loss) You are at CENTER OF THE NEUROSIS (Blue baby, not willing to see fantasy based distortion) The way out of this is: 1. Make existential leap, 2. Rebirth, 3. Here and Now with experiences, 4. Jump into the void (not the a void dance), 4. Give up the fantasy of being stuck.

The next step is IMPLOSION (frozen, contraction, compressed) This is a place experienced as autistic (catatonic--nothingness, convoluted impatience, potential violence, double bind. The way out is 1. Reinvest vital energy, 2. Come to your senses, 3. Become response able, 4. Use your own resources, 5. Rekindle primary vibrancy. This most often happens with several of the outer planets making aspects to the angles..or luminaries...will cause people to seek out help because it hurts too much to not seek help

The Final Step is EXPLOSION (Authenticity) ...the way we see this acted out is a Real Person, being mobilized, spontaneous, truthful, adapting to life and alive with energy. The way we maintain that state of being is 1. I am what I am, 2. Give yourself grace, 3. Call on creative transformation, 4. Will yourself out of existence, 5. Thy will be done.”

Morning

Yes, in short, we must all learn to balance and adjust, fitting our boundaries into a socially acceptable gestalt... but to what extent?. Many disturbances in individuals arise from the inability to find and maintain the proper balance between self and the rest of the world.... maybe that is a greater risk when you don’t know or understand the rules.

Whether that is just a feminist issue, however, as we all wear many hats of partner, parent, employee, member of society etc.

Yes, there should also be a degree of societal conformity in case life turns into a Hobbesian nightmare....who decides the balance and should some be more constrained than others? Some individuals are more bullish than others, and some exist in quiet passivity.

”THE INTROJECTOR DOES AS OTHERS WOULD LIKE HIM TO DO,
THE PROJECTOR DOES UNTO OTHERS WHAT HE ACCUSES THEM OF DOING TO HIM,
THE CONFLUENT PERSON DOESN'T KNOW WHO IS DOING WHAT TO WHOM,
RETROFLECTOR DOES TO HIMSELF WHAT HE WOULD LIKE TO DO TO OTHERS.”

http://zencaroline.blogspot.co.uk/2009/07/gestalt-processes-explained.html

Understood.

I've generally been 'passive' and serving others. In fact, I seem to rely on other people making decisions about what to do, except on the rare occasions something strongly engages my ethical values. But every elephant needs space to do their own thing and pursue a PhD.

Isn't this all a fundamental issue that feminism tries to deal with? And 'assertiveness', like Anne Dickson's A Woman in Your Own Right; and forms of psychology like Gestalt about people's psychological boundaries becoming 'blurred' by confluence and introjection so that one person tries to take responsibility for another.

This all feels part of a natural process. From self diagnosing last year there has been a gradual and careful quiet unpacking of self.

It is noticeable on the forum with members receiving diagnosis or reaching their own self realisation and acceptance. Some seek acceptance from others, some do not. Below is the much published five stages of grief and with a little tweaking it could easily fit that diagnostic cycle.

1. Denial and isolation; - what?, why me? yes? No, you can’t be, don’t be silly?

2. Anger; - As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. Am I ready / able to process this?

3. Bargaining; - a need to regain control through a series of “If only” statements, such as: if only I knew this earlier, what would/could have been different

4. Depression; - a reaction to practical implications relating to this self realisation and a quiet preparation to separate and to bid goodbye to what has come before

5. Acceptance - just as it says on the tin in whatever form it takes

who knows if I’ll have the “balls” to take ownership of where I am... but at present I am here, I am me and I am taking the time to consider everything 

Thank you for your care and diligence and I’m sorry if my response shocked you. The cohersive and controlling situation I am in at the moment is manageable but not healthy and denies me the opportunity to be my true self or be understood.

It lends itself to that slow clipping away of self worth and agency. Yes, at times and at extremes it can be violent and horrid and I am mindful that others know my partners tempernent and blind site it all. 

At the moment my OH is in hospital but I am still micromanaged which seems like a blurred mix of care but also a need to control.... I edited quite a lot of my posts yesterday out of panic in terms of who might read all this. That made me sad as we all need small places where we can be ourselves.

i am not an outrageous elephant by temperament... I am not about to run wild, start sordid affairs, stay out late or paint the town red.. lLike most aspies I seek peace and an environment in which I can feel centred, where I can read books, go for walks in the countryside, meet with friends, maybe even start my PhD.

i want a quiet life, I am content sitting on the periphery of things and my self diagnosis last year was in itself an epiphany in that there is me, this elephant in the room, which has been disregarded and discarded because I am different and require a little more work than some to understand.

I am a capable provider... i scuttle around each day doing others bidding and that seems to be my role. I seem to have been forgotten or discarded as an individual. Maybe it is because I have discarded myself or do so just in order to keep my head above the water line.

thank you everyone for their posts. This is not the cheeriest of reads but as always everyone’s honesty and care shines through 

x