Worsting Autistic traits? and general grumble, anyone else?

So I swear I used to basically be fine although that being said living at home and going to school and having a schedule is a lot less trying than where I am now but also I was largely just depressed I didn't really notice much around me other than I was different.

Anyway I only just started to figure I should go see about getting a proper test because it seems to be affecting my life more and more. I think I quit uni (twice) because of it, I can't hold down a job or a relationship but at least I used to travel around the UK a bit. Now I'm mostly stuck in London as my dad wouldn't let me move back in so it's the only place I know how to live for free since I haven't been able to work and all. I'm very much a countryside person though so I miss it but also London is ridiculously stressful as people stare at me, don't smile and there's a lot of noise and stuff going on. It's gotten to a point where I'm scared of crossing roads because I can't handle all the noise and movement so I just can't process what I need to process aka a car coming at me. I tend to therefore only go out when it's dark to rush to a shop or the library and as someone who kinda needs to be able to wonder about in the forests for a few hours a day that...is not ideal. I also am currently *** on public transport. I've started wearing a hat and headphones to limit what I can see and hear but I still end up stressing, hiding behind my bag, in my hands or nearly crying. Anyway I for sure didn't used to be that bad. I think I used to have some aspie traits but like more manageable, I've never had sensory issues this hard to manage. Am I stressed about being in London or is it like some weird reaction to thinking I might have aspergers? It is making me freak out a lot like when I first realised I'm trans and I sorta knew it was so but also kept questioning it actually happening to me.

So I think I need therapy and help dealing with it plus an actual test so I can stop questioning but also I know getting a diagnosis takes forever and I kinda don't want to be in a waiting period but in the meantime any insights into people's own experiences or advice I'd love.

Also if you read this and you go by Anon in some circles please please contact me on here if you don't mind I'd really like to talk to you but if not I'll likely see you in the last weekend of February so it's not such a long wait...

  • unless someone (anyone else) starts a Thread about London

    To NAS35206...

    I know that this is an "older" Thread (2 Months ago). I only now see that you have done some things here - "Friended" TrainSpotter and MartianTom, begun another Thread featuring the wordplay "Aspi(e)rations"...

    I wanted to say that I do think about you (as a fellow "Londener") and was hoping that you are well and such like. Regarding the Quote I give, there, I also thought much about it, and wanted to Post that by "Someone else", I meant "someone else apart from myself" at the time.

    ...That is to say, as I said then, that I would begin a Thread discussing London, and I would be glad of your joining in, yet I was reluctant to do so in case of lack of replies. I also have trouble telling you apart from others with 'no name and no Icon', so-to-speak.

    This is all that I have been thinking of saying to you for a long while, and so I Post it now, and offer Good Fortune to you, for what it is worth.

    (The Snow is back again here, as well.)   Fair Play To You.

  • Um... Greetings again. I think this is my last about this, unless someone (anyone else) starts a Thread about London. (I once started a Thread about Public Transport, but it, surprisingly, was not very popular (!))...

    If you can, get out of London. (The Suburbs are quieter, though.) I can understand how, as you answered my initial curiosity, London can be a very rich, wasteful, and superficial place... yes indeed. Yet it is noisy, crowdy, polluted... If I had the money, I would leave, and I could never do what you do, for I am allergic to more than half of everything here. If you wonder about Anxiety being linked to here, then that is certainly a YES from myself.

    ...London is a great place - but I would not want to live here...(!)

  • Yeah you're right, I should definitely figure out how to sort it before September! Thanks. 

  • Really really really no need to apologise, again :')

    I suppose it's true I don't have a stable home however I feel I do. I've been in less stable situations and been healthier so I think it's more about London and how I never get a rest from the concrete world or concrete people. I'm very lucky in where I live that most of the time it feels like a sanctuary in London but it's like it's not enough of a sanctuary to allow me to be able to handle being in London. 

    Thanks and I don't think it sounds cold so don't worry Slight smile

  • Greetings to NAS35206, again. I Post here most of all to apologise, if needed, for the odd suddeness of my quitting yesterday. Yet, as I said, I might do so, and others may be more helpful to you... and, well, just look at that. The most useful and helpful is StarBuck, and so I also Post great support of that advice (both)...

    ...Had I continued here, this Thread would have taken a very different turn, for I regret that I could probably never have given you such specific & practical advice; and as seen, I identified with the London and Stress parts, mostly. I may have a "stable" "home" yet I have illnesses, and identify with being <censored> upon Public Transport, and with waiting to cross roads only with other persons at times... But beside all of that, StarBuck is correct, and if you gain a stable Base then you can begin to identify the real resons for Anxieties and such.

    ...Given all of that, I do not really know what else to add... Fair Play to you and Good Fortune. (This Post sounds cold, but I do really mean it! Really!)

  • If you are still considering a diagnosis, then it might be worth trying to see if you can achieve this before September.

    Look at this link - https://www.gov.uk/emergency-housing-if-homeless

    If you are classed as vulnerable and have a disability, you are classed as a priority case for housing.  If you want to get out of London, you could apply to a council in another area as a priority case.  You have your reasons if you have no one to care for you and London isn't helping in relation to being busy etc.  If could mean you find somewhere outside of London to make a home and get yourself on your feet.

    Alternatively, Citizen Advice might be a good place to start - https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/housing/finding-a-place-to-live/finding-accommodation/

    The main thing is to focus on getting what you need sorted before your friends leave, so you are in a position to cope and look after yourself.  Don't be afraid to ask for help as there are people out there who can support you.

  • Currently in terms of housing situation I am in safety. I think squatting is better for me than any other kind of accommodation in London as my house mates support me when I'm struggling but I'm also aware that come September the people who help me most are leaving then I'm a bit screwed. I'd therefore like to reach a point by September where I can financially support myself so I can leave London and don't need so much support to cope.

    I beat myself up a lot too about not being able to do certain things I feel I should be able to. I know I have to push myself to do some things and that sometimes I push myself too far but I'm not sure how to figure out a balance..

  • Do you think you will get a diagnosis?

  • kinda upset that was censored but *LGBT+ counselling 

  • I kind of have the plan in mind to go see my gp however I only met them once and they were a ***! I think they might be transphobic or something since I went to see them about getting my bloods done but they were super rude about it...I don't imagine they'd be that good about helping me with autism as I doubt they'll know much about it and just say I don't have autism and then I'm kinda stuck and gps kinda trigger me since I've had a lot of shitty experiences with them.

    I don't really know where to go for an emergency mental health team? My friend said they'd look into this *** counselling place near where I live so hopefully they can help with the stress. It's not so much that I'm in danger of getting hit by a car I'm just really fearful that it's the case. Like I don't know how much danger I'm in so I wait until someone crosses so I can cross with them and then I get a lot of anxiety while waiting because I feel like I'm getting stared at and I hate getting stared at.

    Fortunately companionship isn't something I lack too much as my housemates know how I am and periodically wonder into my room to see if I want to hang out. It would be nice to go outside though with less anxiety. Today I gotta go somewhere and one of my friends is doing like a 3 hour round trip just to get me there. I don't like being so dependent but then I'd let down another friend if I didn't go..

  • Yeah I was thinking that a formal diagnosis might enable me to get proper support to then be able to get a job and move away from London to somewhere I can cope better. 

    Currently I'm trying to write a book instead using my "more charming" aspie trait of a total obsession with snakes but this is likely not the fastest way to get me making enough money to move out of London Stuck out tongue

    It does seem to be a good idea to try get a formal diagnosis anyway I just think as someone else said on another thread I'm afraid of how I'll react to a diagnosis or I might even get told that I'm not autistic...

  • Hi there.

    I have been homeless previously so I know how stressful being in this situation is.  I ended up having a breakdown as I couldn't cope with the situation and those who were involved in my life at the time.  My advice is to seek safety to begin with.  Are you in contact with the local services to see if they can find you temporary accommodation or emergency shelter?  If you are struggling to find food, then they might be able to point you in the direction of food banks and other services that can make sure you are fed and nourished sufficiently.

    With regards to your traits worsening, it could be that because of your situation, you are reaching crisis point and therefore the traits become more pronounced.  It could also be related to the fact that you are perhaps becoming more aware of what is happening to you and how your traits affect you.

    I myself am going through a rough phase at the moment in relation to my traits.  I pass for a quirky NT the majority of the time, but I am currently experiencing multiple shutdowns and terrible fatigue.  I have now linked this (rightly or wrongly) to autism and looking back I have also identified multiple times throughout my life where I have experience meltdowns and shutdowns, I just didn't know what they were at the time!

    Now I realise why I struggle in certain situations and environments, but before my diagnosis I would put it down to being crap at socialising and would pressure myself to get better at it.  It went two ways, I improved my socialising skills, but at a cost.  It would lead to really bad anxiety and depression, but then I would beat myself up that I was weak and couldn't handle life like other people around me.  I would also fall out with friends and not know why, so would convince myself I am a terrible person.  Looking back it is obvious to see that these are all a result of me not managing my autistic traits well.  They have always been there, I just haven't been able to connect the dots correctly and realise what the root cause was.  In contrast, I don't see why being autistic should hold me back, I have battled through tough times previously, so I can do it again, but as I get older, I don't bounce back as well as I used to, so I am in the process of understanding my limits, triggers and what is acceptable for me.  Once you are in a more stable situation and have been through the diagnosis route, whatever the outcome, you will probably have to do the same to see where your threshold lies and be careful not to become defeatist, but at the same time, not push yourself too far and break.

    Take care.

  • Hi. I also don't have a diagnosis and was completely unaware that I am likely on the spectrum until 6 months ago when my girlfriend suggested it. Since then I too have been "getting worse" with aspie type traits and am finding things like public places and sensory issues to be a lot worse.

  • Out of Common Courtesy, I return a Thank You. But I am becoming nervous and uncertain... and another person is now upon this Thread which IS a GOOD thing, yet I feel the urge to run away just now... I apologise! Sorry! The more others you speak to is better, and I do not Log On during the day, and I am considering a "Living in London Thread" or a "Why does my Diction become worse during Live Chatting Upon The Internet" Thread...

    I might come back, but I have to sign off now, Apologies again... (that is Autism for you, really)... Good Fortune to you Sir/Madame... Um, Thank You again...

  • Welcome.

    I think you're right to think along the lines of stress making autistic traits more of a problem.  Living, as you do, in an environment that you find so overwhelming, and having to scavenge for food, it's not surprising that your stress levels would be very high.  Having a high "background level" amount of stress going on always makes my problems with sensory sensitivity and executive function much more severe.  This seems to be pretty common from what I've read on autism forums.  It can get to be a vicious circle, because the sensory issues are themselves a cause of further stress.  It sounds to me like part of the problem might be simply that the stress and sensory problems are something that you're just not getting a break from at all, so that there's never enough time away from it to be able to let any of the stress subside.  I can easily understand why you are homesick for the forest - it sounds like you desperately need a sanctuary of some sort so that you can at least get your breath back sometimes.

    In the short term, I strongly suggest that you visit a doctor if you can.  If this isn't easy because of your situation, then most places will have an emergency mental health team that can be called directly.  That may sound a little extreme, but if you are getting so disorientated that you are in danger of having a traffic accident, it is perfectly reasonable.

    There's no need to be seeking an autism diagnosis if you're not comfortable with that yet, the immediate problem is to try and get some help with the stress and anxiety.  Counselling and anti-anxiety medication aren't a quick fix for all of your problems, of course, but they can help you to lower the immediate anxiety, which in turn, might reduce the severity of your sensory issues.  This then puts you in a better position to start looking for longer term solutions.  Just a reduction in anxiety enough that you feel able to go out in the daytime occasionally could be a huge benefit - it would open up the option to maybe get a bit of exercise and relaxation in London's parks, or to access a local autism group for a bit of companionship, for example.

    Best wishes.

  • Am I stressed about being in London or is it like some weird reaction to thinking I might have aspergers?

    Living here IS very stressful, I would never refute that. But if you do not have a "Formal Diagnosis" then my closing suggestion is that such a thing is always best to obtain with regards to the LAW. Gaining "extra support, services, understanding" and such like. Also, once gained, the diagnosis does not have to be declared unless needs must. People (and Laws) act differently when Autism is stated, and it need not be a limitation. Different people and circumstances remain just that: ..."different". I do not judge, I only try to exist here... most times...

  • You're welcome...not at all rude and I find you quite friendly so don't worry about it! 

  • ...Good Fortune to you from myself NAS35206!

    I did not expect an answer, and for your, um, honesty, I reply with extended interest, now! Yet, as I say, I AM Autistic, and so may go off into strange conversational topics... and please be aware that I am not very good at "Chat", yet this Internet business throws up a lot of unexpected things for me, some of which I cannot always cope with, and writing this reply would certainly be one of those unexpected things. I apologise in advance... 

    The "First Reply Curse" is probably a thing which exists to no-one else (here) but myself, and so do not worry about it. If it happens to you, then you shall know. It is also my own Term, and so everyone may disregard it...?

    (Please see my own UserName. And what occurs is that I have "upset" the Starter and gain a lot of "Dislikes", and the Thread from then on is only a Short-Lived Thread which quickly (within a Week) disappears into obscurity...)

    In closing, I apologise, yet I was greatly curious about the question I asked... thank you for answering honestly, and I hope that others Posting may focus upon other points which you made which you may find helpful. Everyone else here is generally way more "friendly" than I am, and I hope that your life goes very well. Sorry this Post is long, now...

  • If you're asking how I live here for free I squat and eat food from bins. It's really quite hard to do that anywhere else in the UK at least that I know of.

    If you're asking something else you'll have to be more specific...

    What's the reply first curse?

  • it's the only place I know how to live for free

    ...Greetings. Usually I do not reply first (I have the "First Reply Curse")... and I am Autistic and so I apologise if I may seem "rude"...

    ...But I just logged on, and I spotted this, and I live in London myself... and thus I would like to know what this is supposed to mean.