Hi, I'm new here! Does anyone relate to what I am sharing in this thread?

Hello everyone!
I have decided that I need to take a self diagnosis of Aspergers after 7 years of reading about the syndrome and having light bulb moment after light bulb moment that explains why I have felt the way I have for as long as I can remember in my life. I'm now 33 and finally can make so much more sense of my past.

I want to share something I wrote a few months back when I was particularly stressed and at the same time finally found a way to put some of my feelings into words.

Here goes:

Some days it’s because I’ve acted being a “normal” person for just one hour too long and just can’t keep it up any more. The computer says NO...I blue screen.

I can’t speak. I might want to...my head has it all lined up, but the connection between head and mouth is down.

I can’t answer a question...that requires processing what you’re saying to me, but I just heard meaningless noises so can’t.

I can hear every little sound...I am hyper aware...I can’t filter it out...so I get out the headphones and the thing I listen to that is MY choice helps the other noises be less intrusive. Some sounds though make me want to rip my hair out and bash my head against a wall, sometimes I end up punching my own head just to make the feeling go away. I’m scared I might give myself concussion one day.

My flight or fight is on high alert. Everything is a threat.  Approach me or suddenly expect me to focus on something you’re saying and I feel under attack...I panic...I haven’t got the capacity to understand what you’re talking about. It’s just that confusing noise again.

I’m not looking at anyone because that’s too hard...that’s another exchange of data that has to be processed and I’m not doing that at the moment.

Maybe you’ve noticed I’m nodding my head repeatedly...or moving my feet...or rubbing something...when you “threaten” me I flap or knock on something or appear to be flailing at the air...those movements happen a lot in much smaller ways a lot of the time, they mostly help release tension, they are an outlet to the endless assault the world makes on me, an assault I have spent years learning to adapt to so I don’t act weird around other people. I get told quite often even now that I act a bit weird when out and about. I know I’m being different, I’ve always felt like I’ve been doing it all differently. I’m mostly trying to copy you and others around me...bound to be weird when you’re taking bits of everyone else and putting them together in an attempt to be “normal”.

I’ve spent too long remembering to make eye contact, to smile, what to say and do when outside the house, in shops, on the phone. The script isn’t something I’ve learnt and can throw away. It’s a constant in the back of my mind. Any communication of any kind means I have to find the right scenario and run through how to do it and hope the person on the other end doesn’t deviate from their role.

You know those days when your phone apps seem to do everything on a go slow, when your laptop just seems to be struggling to load even the simplest of programmes, when the internet seems to have reverted to dial up, when the screen pixelates and information is getting scrambled and files are corrupting...that’s me when you perceive my temper shortening, my patience wearing thin, my attention span dipping, my tolerance decreasing...I’m shutting down, slowing up, starting to panic that someone might need me to do something more than the immediate task at hand. I can only focus on one thing at a time, and that feels like I’m doing it through a fog.

Thankfully I don’t have to always feel like this. I can reboot to a semblance of normal again...somewhere in my head while I’m falling to bits there’s something else getting on with the filing, getting the scripts back in order, defragging , emptying the caches, clearing the cookies and fixing the broken connections, maybe kicking the modem too! But I need to do that reboot alone...where I feel safe and unthreatened.  It might take hours, it might take all day, it might take longer, I might reappear before it’s finished and still be a bit phased out...sorry, I feel my obligations to everyone very strongly and feel guilty when I can’t fulfil them. I think I let people down a lot. I’ve been called selfish and snobby and stuck up, unfeeling, uncaring, distant, unfriendly, strange, weird, unapproachable, blunt, rude, antisocial, and all kinds of similar things when I’ve been trying to act normally before I’ve got my brain’s filing cabinets reordered.

It’s tiring being me...and I’ve been me for what feels like a very very long time, as long as I became aware that I didn’t feel like I was like other people. I started writing scripts in my head so long ago it has become a kind of second nature. If there’s advice being given on how to do something, how to act, if I read something somewhere I file it away...I can use that to fit in.

Some days I’m doing all that with the added bonus of legs that hurt like they’re on fire to their very core. With a fog in my head so thick it’s like trying to think with scrambled eggs, with arms and hands so weak that I appear clumsy. I forget things, anything, everything. I get other stuff mixed up, I lose track of conversation, I can’t find my words, I look even more stupid.  ME feels very different...they’re two distinct things I’m dealing with.

Sometimes I just need to cry...all the feelings of uselessness and hopelessness and being so very tired of it all get dissolved and let out in my tears. I can’t put it into words out loud, it’s all too big. Too scary to hear for real.

My husband read the above for the first time last night and says it has helped him understand some of my behaviour and he wants me to see about getting a formal autism diagnosis if possible in the new year.

Interested to find out others thoughts on what I have shared. Thanks.