Miswired Women of the Net!

An informal thread for all misfired and miswired women on the spectrum...,(and guests). A new thread as we can chat away but are not so good tidying up after ourselves....too busy being awesome..,,

This is a new iteration of many long and warm and welcoming contributions. This is a happy and supportive place x 

  • STOP PRESS!... Laura James (Odd Girl Out) just tweeted about this! Autism workshops for women 

    https://rachaellucas.com/autism-workshops/

    xx

  • Dear Moggsy

    what a great reply and a very honest one.  Like you, I find it easier to make friendships (or at least acquaint and interact) with men rather than women.  Like you I find them more straightforward (Lone...that is not meant in a derogatory way)...but I have always been more male-brain/tom boy and my special interest is Tech.  I am not a pink and pretty woman....more a black and white, sleeves rolled up and get on with things kind of women.

    I don't really get women but at primary school my two and only friends were both girls....maybe it all changes when puberty kicks in.?..and the gossip, the make up....the other NT stuff that heads are filled with...when your own head doesn't mean that it is filled with ND stuff.

    There are women on this forum that I admire and feel close to - emotionally empathetic, intellectually stimulated by, care for, and identify with..Maybe the mix of ND to ND works better than Female NT to Female ND....   - be interested to know what the men on the forum think.

    The challenge I have on top of this is my OH doesn't like me conversing with men...though working in the tech sector means that 90% of my work colleagues are male...but then he is judging things in a sexual / framework the predatory NT fear factor way...which frustrates me no end...as again with my ND self on.....i am just not wired that way!!!

    Arrrgh! - as they say!!

    the friendship rulebook like you say is a challenge and has many hoops and obstacles...and like relationships the emotional worth we attribute to them means that gaining them and possibly losing them becomes an emotional big deal..

    A really good topic to raise....now I bet to get on with work....this was just a quick lunchtime check...but you drew me in!! lol

    Ellie (42, and 3/4)

  • Hi fellow mis-wired women .... I wanted to ask you a question. Do any of you have any female friends? I have always found it far harder to deal with women than men. Men tend to say what they mean far more than women do, so they are easier to figure out. Women seem to have a lot of hidden meanings, little tricks and in-jokes going on, some of it probably designed to exclude, especially when young. So in short, I have never been able to figure out how to do it.

    The thing that is bugging me since my diagnosis is that I have been forced to accept that while I at least thought I could do 'making friends' with guys, I haven't actually ever managed it at all, in my entire life (now 46). What I was able to learn how to do is seduce men, which is far easier to understand and learn the rules for than making friends with NTs will ever be, but clearly not the same thing! This is why the few people who I think of as my friends are all ex-lovers from way back. They were people who I spent long enough together with to form a connection, which endures to this day. It is probably also why there is a trail of break-ups behind me, instigated by me. I met guys who I found interesting and nice and fun and wanted to be friends with, but I had no idea how to do that, so I took the easy way out and became more than friends with them. I now feel like a bit of a s*&t because they were all good, nice guys, who often didn't understand why it didn't work out and what they did wrong. And yes, I do feel bad about that. Probably 3/4 of them should have been friends, not lovers, but I didn't / don't know how to achieve that.

    I am not sure I understand NT friendship either. I have been involved in 'friendships' with other couples, instigated by my ex-husband. In one case, we travelled an hour each way to visit them, almost weekly. They pretty much never made the effort to come to our place. My hubby didn't seem to be particularly bothered by this. If I had been navigating that one without his guidance, I might have driven to see them a few times, then would have waited for them to call me and/or visit me. If they never did, I would have assumed they weren't that interested in being friends with me. To my black and white Aspie brain, no effort = no interest. Is putting up with this kind of thing normal in NT friendships, I wonder? (rhetorical question - I'm sure you can no more answer that than I can). My sister, who has loads of friends, seems to put up with quite a lot from them at times, including at times the sort of behaviour that would make me have nothing more to do with someone. 

    Anyway, I am not asking this because I want to be able to make friends. Luckily I am very happy with the ones I have got, because after my post-diagnosis introspection I doubt I could make any new ones if I tried. I am just curious to know if any of you find NT women easier going than I do, and whether anyone identifies with the any of the above.

  • I’m better now you’re here! Lol....thought you might be hibernating in the Blue Peter garden x

  • Thank you Ellie, that's kind of you. I've missed here but I'm not very good at doing anything in moderation. I think I kind of feel guilty if I don't read everything so I ran away and read nothing. It's stupid and I need to learn to be selective without the guilt. Hope you are doing ok. xxxx

  • Sppppppooooooooottttttyyyyy! So missed you! Welcome back xxxxxx

  • Hello Katfish and Ellie and Missy and everyone else. I missed a bit and then there seemed to be heaps of new names and numbers and I got lost and overwhelmed. Been busy trying to learn image manipulation software and now I've plonked myself in Apple land so I have some steep learning curves ahead. Glad to see familiar and new faces. xxx

  • And you katfish....there are some lovely people here x

  • Hi everyone

    I've been dipping into these forums for a few months now and haven't posted very much.  But I spotted this thread and thought what a good idea.

    I realised my 'aspie-ness' a few years ago when someone was commenting to me about why they thought someone else may be 'on the spectrum'.  They gave a list of things as to why they thought that and my response was "doesn't everyone do that then?".  After talking with them a bit more (they are a health professional) they gave me a few pointers to look into it further.  The recommended aspie tests I found on the internet all very clearly pointed towards me being aspie.  Similarly the more I found out about it the more I identified in myself.  I decided not to seek a formal diagnosis as I figured I'd got to that point in life.  I could look back across my life and so many things slotted into place it was a massive light bulb moment.

    However, I started thinking about it again a few months ago.  I realised I hadn't really changed anything and was still hiding behind my 'mask of acceptability'.  So I looked into it all again and pondered seeking a formal diagnosis.  After looking at other people's experiences of getting an aspie diagnosis (seems to be 18 months to 2 years is the norm) I again decided not to go down that route.  I don't really want to spend lots of time in the company of the medical profession if I can help it (they are lovely people generally but I'd rather be walking my dog on a mild autumn morning than sitting in a consultant's waiting room).

    So I'm not really sure how to identify myself to the rest of the family and friends.  My husband is aware and when I first raised it with him he immediately agreed that I am an aspie (he has no problem telling me if he doesn't agree with my wild theories usually).  But I've told no one else.  Having just suggested on another thread that the best way to try to cope with family occasions is to talk to them about being aspie, what it means for you, etc, I must admit I felt like a hypocrite.  I told my husband that I wasn't comfortable telling family as some of them will decide I'm talking rubbish without an official diagnosis (I've no doubt that is largely due to my enormous skill with my mask).  He reckons I could tell them anyway and if they argue too much tell them I have had an official diagnosis, his theory being that they couldn't prove otherwise.  I'm not entirely comfortable with that for various reasons.

    Also I spotted a discussion about menopause on an earlier version of this thread.  I went through surgical menopause 3 years ago so was interested in people's comments.  I definitely feel like I have changed but I don't know whether this is aspie-related or not.  The surgery was for ovarian cancer which was life changing in itself, so it's difficult to know how aspie-ness has defined my view on life over the last 3 years.  I have found that my approach to cancer diagnosis has differed from others in a similar position.  I think this has also made me think again about what being aspie means.

    I feel like I want to shout out to people I'm aspie and I'm proud and this is what it means for me.  I don't lack empathy, I just perceive life differently to you, so I have to learn what's important to you just like you have to learn what's important to me.  I'm the type of person who I think is likely to stand up and explain why something is different for me to try to help people to understand.  But I can't really get myself past the official diagnosis hurdle.  I feel like what I say could be undermined if someone turns around and says but a doctor hasn't agreed that I'm aspie so how do I really know that what I"m saying is relevant.

    I agree with some of the other comments about finding a way around the forum.  I do find it a little confusing, though I can't really explain why!

    Anyway, looking forward to chatting with you all.

  • these questionnaires must be rather shy - mine also went missing the first time round...  

  • Good evening..

    it is a pleasure to have you here and I value you and your contribution....now or in the twilight hours. Posting is a chaos that does not suit everyone...but knowing that others exist I hope is a comfort x

  • As I was typing this, another new reply showed up, just to let anyone know, that I had not known that as I was Posting THAT Post. Good Evening once more.

  • Um... Good evening... if I may express a curiosity again...:
    - Misfit61- "Thank you Ellie. Very pleased to have a new but continued place to meet up"
    - Elephantintheroom - " Don’t mess it up...lol x "
    - ... but then Bonniepurple writes - " Thanks Ellie. I must admit that I find this site so difficult to navigate with the replies within threads rather than going to the end and so I just avoid it when I’m tired after work."
    ... and now I see that replies progress in a certain manner. Correct me if I am wrong, but the intention is to progress things in a LINEAR fashion? No posting anything by back-tracking, or as Miss Bonniepurple mentioned. Please tell me if this is a correct assumption or not.

    Regardless of that, I give Good Wishes to all, and a last thing:
    Elephantintheroom - " Do you think they’ll be brave and join? "
    Whatever my following answer means to anyone else, I give apology anyway... Yet: I should like to join in, but I cannot do "live chat" - here or in real life. It matters not, how nice people are... I just cannot do it! I begin to make errors in grammar, and I say the wrong things... and so, I like to see all of this, yet I cannot really join in.
    I may say something from time-to-time... but I only come out after dark, very late, when the Internet is less busy...
    Make of that what you will...(!)

  • Hi Bonnie...I’m trying to drop the mask too but it is a challenge....so when you say you feel more autistic.....is that the same as feeling more like “you”?......it is a transition....and I think we are constantly transitioning .....

    good to hear from you x

  • Thanks Ellie.  I must admit that I find this site so difficult to navigate with the replies within threads rather than going to the end and so I just avoid it when I’m tired after work.

    I’m doing okay - my GP couldn’t find my completed questionnaire at my last appointment so I’m still waiting.  Bar that, I’m still chugging along. I do definitely feel more autistic now I’ve admitted it to others and I’m finding I’m starting to mask less.