Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi :) I'm not really sure what I want out of this- I think I just want a place to get things off my chest to a community of people who may understand my way of thinking. I haven't spoken to anyone about it either but I know that can help. TW for anyone who might need it- It's about ED's in quite some depth (but not in any way promoting it!) and touches lightly on SA.
So recently (as in the past week) I've found a strange comfort in eating as little as possible. I've always been food-obsessed. I was lucky enough not to have any food aversions but I did grow up with an "almond mum"- she has always been obsessive about healthy eating and calorie counting which is fine but now I'm older, I can recognise that in her case, it's to an unhealthy point where her whole life is based around food and how much she can restrict it. (she is likely autistic too but she hasn't been diagnosed like me) I've always loved food and find a LOT of comfort in eating but my mum always made sure I didn't eat "too much" and I guess that stuck with me because as soon as I moved out, I hired a nutritionist to guide me on calorie counting and getting/maintaining the "perfect" body.
I've recently moved to a new city. I had to stop working with the nutritionist to be able to afford my new rent but I continued to calorie count. It's been a terrible first few months here. The huge life change being one of them- a new city and my first time living all alone. I didn't know anyone besides my boyfriend and last week he broke up with me so now I'm in a strange city with no one. I'm struggling to keep up at work because of all the chaos and just general autistic/adhd figuring out what my additional needs are and how to advocate for them. I also have been burnt in the past with multiple cases of pretty serious sexual assault that, to this day, no one knows about. Every SA inncident involved me thinking I was making new friends and then finding out, in the worst way possible, that these people weren't my friends. I'm so isolated in my flat and I'm terrified that I'm going to unknowingly walk into a horrid situation for the fourth time. How can I tell the difference between the people who are friends and the people who want to hurt me? my executive functioning is a mess for bills and chores and I'm scared of the laundrette (ridiculous I know but I've never been and I don't understand how it works!)
In the last month, my calorie counting has become obsessive. Along with the fact that I can't have gluten or dairy and I'm really financially tight at the moment (I can't afford heating, let alone allergen-safe ready meals) I'm in tears all the time, overwhelmed by figuring out how many calories I can or can't eat- there is so much maths involved and I obsess over the tiniest things- last weekend I was on the train trying not to cry because I was so hungry but I couldn't figure out how many calories were in a TicTac.
So, last week my boyfriend broke up with me (he didn't really know about all this- it was just because there wasn't much spark in our relationship anymore). I lost the only person I knew in the area, my only safe social interaction and, worst of all, all I had left of a routine. Now I can barely even get up for a shower because I don't have any landmarks in my week and without warning, all my plans have been completely thrown off.
On top of this, I lost my appetite. But on day one of the breakup, I found that not eating much food pretty much relieved all the stress around calorie counting, which had become the focus of my life. Quieting that part of my brain by skipping all three meals and just having the occasional snack brought me just a little peace amid the chaos. I've been eating between 600-1000 calories a day (nowhere near enough to function btw but that's just the thing, I'm not functioning at the moment, I'm just lying on my sofa paralysed) Yesterday, I got my appetite back and I was finally hungry again but when I went to the kitchen to get some food, I couldn't bring myself to do it. when I eat, or when I'm even around food, I feel completely out of control and even though I can acknowledge that I'm not in control right now either, restricting food feels like control and in my life right now, I have zero control over anything. my routines could change at any moment, I can't predict who will enter or leave my life and who will hurt me. there's also a lot of admin involved in eating and right now, I don't even have any clean cutlery! On top of this, there is that voice in my head that I've had since childhood (and sadly I think a lot of people also struggle with) cheering me on in the quest to be as skinny as humanly possible because that's how society accepts people.
I suppose this is the sensible part of my brain reaching out for advice because I have a feeling this way of approaching food could get very dangerous very quickly and I'm already reluctant to help myself because its the only sense of purpose/structure/control that I have right now!
Sorry it got a little dark. I usually love how upbeat and positive this forum is! I didn't realise just how sticky my situation was until I wrote it all down!
Hi everyone! WOW! thank you so much for taking the time to read and write such kind and insightful replies. It really means a lot! I'm still feeling a little out of sorts, the bank holiday really didn't help with the change in routines! But I'm feeling a lot better in myself and although I don't know what the future (immediate or distant!) will look like, I can recognise that this crappy period, like all the others, will pass!
Food wise, my appetite is still a little everywhere but I am eating sufficient calories again! I'm just doing it with constant snacks but I'm aiming for full meals again! When I was completely happy and healthy I would always make two of every meal and freeze one portion. I've worked my way through all those meals but once I'm back cooking properly, I'm looking forward to getting that back. my biggest problem now is that all my dishes have been in the sink all week and my ADHD is throwing a tantrum about washing them so perhaps I might throw in the towel and Amazon some paper plates- just while I'm getting back on track (sorry environment!)
I went to see my parents yesterday which was really nice and I'm working from home today (train strikes- can't catch a break from the routine changes!) but I'm secretly really enjoying all my online meetings because I get to chat with people I know and working makes me feel like I have some purpose and productivity! My work is EXCELLENT with adaptations for neurodiversity. I'm so lucky! The difficulty is trying to figure out what I'm struggling with and then being able to communicate that but in the grand scheme of access to work, I've got it really good! Once I figure out all my adaptations, I might post on this forum to help other people who might be searching for adaptation ideas! All the girls at my work are so lovely and I love spending time with them. the only problem is, they all live in London where we work and, even with my railcard, I can't afford the extortionate train ticket (£35!) to go and see them outside work hours/ at weekends when they all meet up so I'm trying to make some friends locally. I also have a mentor for work provided by ATW and she sometimes acts like a therapist which is wonderful. I've also found an SA survivors support group near me- I just need to pluck up the courage to get myself down there!
I've found a lot of comfort in just taking the days hour by hour and accepting that this is just going to be a rough patch and it will get better like it has in the past! Thank you all again for your messages. It was really validating to read other people saying that my life is tough at the moment- I never tell anyone about all this so I assumed it was just what adult life was like! It makes it easier to recover from it all and realise things can/will improve!
have a lovely week!xx
I'm glad to hear that your life is improving!
Ordering the paper plates is a good idea. I also have dishes pile up during the week, so don't be so hard on yourself! I learned a method of organizing the dishes first, so that all the same kind of bowls and plates are stacked up together, so it looks like there's "less" dishes to do, and it makes everything easy to see. And then I sit down in a chair to do dishes, and watch a video. It's easier to sit than to stand sometimes, especially if you have very little energy.
It's nice that your workplace is accommodating you, and you can work at home, while simultaneously talking to your coworkers online. If the train ticket is £35, how does anyone even afford to travel? It costs so much! I think many people get their social interactions online nowadays anyways, so that's okay. Save some money.
I am really glad that your life is progressing once again. But if it does dips down again, don't be so hard on yourself. Just do what you can. That's all anyone can do. I hope everything in the future continues to progress for you.