Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi :) I'm not really sure what I want out of this- I think I just want a place to get things off my chest to a community of people who may understand my way of thinking. I haven't spoken to anyone about it either but I know that can help. TW for anyone who might need it- It's about ED's in quite some depth (but not in any way promoting it!) and touches lightly on SA.
So recently (as in the past week) I've found a strange comfort in eating as little as possible. I've always been food-obsessed. I was lucky enough not to have any food aversions but I did grow up with an "almond mum"- she has always been obsessive about healthy eating and calorie counting which is fine but now I'm older, I can recognise that in her case, it's to an unhealthy point where her whole life is based around food and how much she can restrict it. (she is likely autistic too but she hasn't been diagnosed like me) I've always loved food and find a LOT of comfort in eating but my mum always made sure I didn't eat "too much" and I guess that stuck with me because as soon as I moved out, I hired a nutritionist to guide me on calorie counting and getting/maintaining the "perfect" body.
I've recently moved to a new city. I had to stop working with the nutritionist to be able to afford my new rent but I continued to calorie count. It's been a terrible first few months here. The huge life change being one of them- a new city and my first time living all alone. I didn't know anyone besides my boyfriend and last week he broke up with me so now I'm in a strange city with no one. I'm struggling to keep up at work because of all the chaos and just general autistic/adhd figuring out what my additional needs are and how to advocate for them. I also have been burnt in the past with multiple cases of pretty serious sexual assault that, to this day, no one knows about. Every SA inncident involved me thinking I was making new friends and then finding out, in the worst way possible, that these people weren't my friends. I'm so isolated in my flat and I'm terrified that I'm going to unknowingly walk into a horrid situation for the fourth time. How can I tell the difference between the people who are friends and the people who want to hurt me? my executive functioning is a mess for bills and chores and I'm scared of the laundrette (ridiculous I know but I've never been and I don't understand how it works!)
In the last month, my calorie counting has become obsessive. Along with the fact that I can't have gluten or dairy and I'm really financially tight at the moment (I can't afford heating, let alone allergen-safe ready meals) I'm in tears all the time, overwhelmed by figuring out how many calories I can or can't eat- there is so much maths involved and I obsess over the tiniest things- last weekend I was on the train trying not to cry because I was so hungry but I couldn't figure out how many calories were in a TicTac.
So, last week my boyfriend broke up with me (he didn't really know about all this- it was just because there wasn't much spark in our relationship anymore). I lost the only person I knew in the area, my only safe social interaction and, worst of all, all I had left of a routine. Now I can barely even get up for a shower because I don't have any landmarks in my week and without warning, all my plans have been completely thrown off.
On top of this, I lost my appetite. But on day one of the breakup, I found that not eating much food pretty much relieved all the stress around calorie counting, which had become the focus of my life. Quieting that part of my brain by skipping all three meals and just having the occasional snack brought me just a little peace amid the chaos. I've been eating between 600-1000 calories a day (nowhere near enough to function btw but that's just the thing, I'm not functioning at the moment, I'm just lying on my sofa paralysed) Yesterday, I got my appetite back and I was finally hungry again but when I went to the kitchen to get some food, I couldn't bring myself to do it. when I eat, or when I'm even around food, I feel completely out of control and even though I can acknowledge that I'm not in control right now either, restricting food feels like control and in my life right now, I have zero control over anything. my routines could change at any moment, I can't predict who will enter or leave my life and who will hurt me. there's also a lot of admin involved in eating and right now, I don't even have any clean cutlery! On top of this, there is that voice in my head that I've had since childhood (and sadly I think a lot of people also struggle with) cheering me on in the quest to be as skinny as humanly possible because that's how society accepts people.
I suppose this is the sensible part of my brain reaching out for advice because I have a feeling this way of approaching food could get very dangerous very quickly and I'm already reluctant to help myself because its the only sense of purpose/structure/control that I have right now!
Sorry it got a little dark. I usually love how upbeat and positive this forum is! I didn't realise just how sticky my situation was until I wrote it all down!
Wow you have been through so much.
I think that for someone like you, even if you do eat food, it'll never be too the point that you'll become overweight, because you're very conscious about how much you're eating. If you watch videos of people who are plus-sized, they eat food throughout the entire day. I don't know how they afford so much food, but as much as you obsess about calorie counting, that's how much they'll obsess about eating food. Both are extreme, but somewhere in the middle is the right balance.
Hopefully you can sit down and enjoy a meal one day without calorie counting. Maybe think of the benefits from the food you eat, I mean other than the calories, there's essential minerals, vitamins, and proteins, that are vital to making the body function optimally. And calories are just a measure of energy that's in food, and energy helps you do lots of things in life.
I think your problems are just there all at once, and they are overwhelming you. I think that you have things to deal with that were not initially your problems, I mean your mother imposed this obsessive calorie counting onto you, society has imposed this image of skinny being the ideal body type onto you, and predators mascarading as friends have done something unconsentual to you, and your physical body seems like it's under the control by external factors, and not in the control of you.
It's challenging to concentrate on what would be best for your body and mind, and try to keep your place tidy at the same time. I have liquid meal replacements as a back up, for whenever I don't have clean dishes, or if I'm feeling unwell, I'll just drink one to have some nutrients. It's hard to focus and to do things without any food or energy, so the drink helps with that. But I'll try to eat actual food whenever I can.
I think that I would make friends with people from school or work, because these people are on file, and if they ever harassed me, I could do something about it. However, making friends with strangers would worry me.
I hope you stay vigilent in protecting yourself. There are so many people who are survivors of SA, and maybe talking to them will help with your recovery. Therapy would be nice to have as well, even saving up for one session could make a difference.