Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello, I’m new to the forum. I'm a 20-year-old girl who was diagnosed with Asperger’s nearly five years ago. I'll get straight to the point if that's okay: I'm here because I'm hoping for some help and support. I can't stop reliving the things I went through at school. I would call it bullying; it's the word most other people use, but I don't class it as bullying because I know I deserved it. I have flashbacks which bring me to physical pain, to the point where I exclaim out loud, and sometimes feel checked out from reality. I am often very tearful. I have an eating disorder and I don't want to upset anybody but I have to say I self-harm, too, and that has got quite serious at times, if you know what I mean. I’m on anti-psychotic medication as I have mental health problems associated with the Asperger’s but apart from that and seeing my community psychiatric nurse (CPN) I get very little help. They gave me some group therapy but now that's over there's nothing more they can offer me. They keep telling me to use the skills I learned in the group and though they are good skills which do often help me at times, when the bad memories take over there's not much I can do and I become very lost.
A particular thing that I keep remembering is being shut in a quiet room where I was allowed to go and be by myself (and the reason I was given that room was because I couldn't escape the constant physical and verbal attacks that I got around school, just in corridors going from lesson to lesson or at lunch, and so the staff gave me the room) and a group of boys were waiting at the door and they shut me in and I had no way of running and they threatened me with all sorts of things which I won't go into here in case people find it upsetting. There were times when I was hit, kicked, had my things thrown away and I was threatened a lot, in person and sometimes online. A boy once forced me to do something as a joke and I know it sounds silly because it was a very insignificant thing but that has never left my mind, I keep thinking about it and crying, or getting angry. The other day I found an old photo in a frame of me as a little girl and I kept throwing it at the wall and now it's smashed to bits. Every day from starting school in Reception when I was 4 to when I finished school, I experienced some kind of problem, someone always said or did something. So many things happened I couldn't even begin to really go into it here. There must be something very wrong with me to have had all this things happen. I keep thinking about what a useless person I am and how I don't feel loved and how everyone else has friends who care about them, even people who to be honest aren't very nice people, they still have people on their side, and apart from my family (and even then I know would prefer me neurotypical) everybody hates me and has always hated me. It's making me cry now, thinking about it.
The worst thing is knowing I brought it all on myself. If I'd been better at acting normal, it would never have happened and I'd be happy and living life. I'm kind of despairing and unsure of what to do. Whenever I try to talk about it to my CPN or anyone, they say that I will be fine and I just need to keep "looking after myself" and using the skills I've learned and distracting myself, and that we have all been through bad things but we just need to try and keep our minds off them as much as we can, but I can't seem to take my mind off these memories. It's got worse since leaving Sixth Form two years ago and it's taking over my life. Does anybody know of any place I could turn? To be honest, it would be a comfort just to know I'm not alone.
I feel for you, as I have Ptsd through years of hell, not just outside my home but also within my home from childhood...I waken with severe panic and anxiety and this all happened years ago...I do wonder reading your story if you also maybe suffer Ptsd ...it all sounds trauma based...I often still think why did all this happen to me? why not the nasty people? they continue to manipulate others and no one seems to see it...makes me angry...Youre definitely not alone I assure you :) I have been told the only way to deal with the horrible feeling is Distraction, but easier said than done..i wish I had a magic wand to relieve your pain...keep talking on here as there will always be someone who you can chat to, better than bottling it all up...if u want to ask me anything I'm here :)
Find a relaxing hobby or obsession to occupy your mind.
For me that works temporarily, while I'm busy my mind doesn't dwell on the past.
www.google.co.uk/.../ This one mentions the treatment method my friend had. The previous one had a podcast which I thought might be useful. www.counselling-directory.org.uk/ptsd.html. Put in your postcode to see where the nearest is to you. http://www.experienceproject.com/question-answer/For-Adults-Who-Were-Bullied-Children-How-Do-You-Overcome-The-Long-Term-Effects/268985
Hope there is something in these links which you can identify with.
I'm so sorry I don't know how to help you, I started browsing on the internet to see if I could find something useful.. straight away I found this
http://thegrassgetsgreener.com/living-with-ptsd-after-bullying/
I'll see what else I can find
It doesn't matter how many happy memories I make, the bad ones poison them because I'm such a weak person.
My advice may sound old and like a cliche. But time is a great healer.
My early school life was an absolute nightmare, being subjected to physical violent punishments every day. And part of it was also my fault. But with time the memories fade as they are replaced with new ones.
Hi AngelCake, hope you feel perhaps a little better this morning, and didn't have nightmares or so (I know it's not going away, but the same thing can feel quite different from day to day, and sometimes a little more bearable than on others). Just a thought about that last paragraph. When they say that you'll be alright and you should just look after yourself without anyone actually helping you to do this, try not to interpret into this response that they think it is your fault, or that nothing can be done about it. Maybe they don't quite realise how bad it was and is and how much damage it has caused, maybe they don't know what to suggest and think they are saying something nice and reassuring by saying this, and don't notice that it makes you only more desperate. And ASD does also not help with either of those, both ways really. You may misunderstand the intention behind their comments and they may misunderstand you, perhaps your appearance doesn't quite show to them how you feel, or they may think you are just having an aspie moment. I really hope you can find someone who listens to you properly, to start with just to give you a little more confidence that you deserve help in dealing with this, but eventually to get that help. If Spotty is right (pretty likely, I guess) then that's something most people will need help with and many are ashamed of that fact - please try not to be, or if you are and can't get this feeling out of your head, try keeping in mind that it's also a result of being treated badly and the fact that you have that feeling doesn't mean it's a justified one.
Look up Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria it's quite enlightening.. another thing a few of us might have in common.. Keep talking to us but you've been brace today writing on here so try to get some sleep and talk to us more tomorrow
You did not make yourself autistic, it is not your fault. People did bad things to you and you need help to process this properly.
To try to stop thinking about old unpleasant memories, create new happier experiences that take your mind off the past. I know it's difficult when there are constant reminders. And try to do things differently in the future.
Also try to avoid the people who remind you of the past.
You do need proper help not just a cmht nurse. My friend had some traumatic experiences in her life and she saw a very good psychologist who helped her find a safe place she could go in her mind when she needed to. It's a specific kind of exercise that you would work with the psychologist to do. But again as Spotty says if you can you need to see your Gp again to tell them you need other treatment and as Spotty says for ptsd.. still having nightmares and being affected daily needs more support than you are getting. If the reason you think this is all your fault was because you couldn't mask and cover up yourself to fit in then really and truly it's not your fault at all. Many people who have had things done to them feel guilty and ashamed; take the blame. We put ourselves down for not coping enough to deal with ourselves or other people's reactions. There are kind people out there who accept us for who we are, it's just they take a bit of finding sometimes.
And Spotty is suggestion of either calling or emailing the Samaritans is a good one. They listen, they are kind, they do not judge and may be helpful and supportive plus you can contact them 24/7.
Why do you think that AngelCake? I don't know you at all, but arm pretty sure it's not the case because so many people (myself included) are convinced that it's their own fault but we (people who have been bullied, that is) don't tend to believe that others we see being bullied have brought this on themselves, so I guess it's not actually a fact, it's just the way we see ourselves, which has been affected really badly by what people have done to us. Strange enough, bullies are often convinced it's the fault of their victim. I've heard grownups laughing about what they did to other kids when they were younger (and those other kids had done nothing wrong or weird at all actually, they just happened to be easy victims for one reason or another), it was unbelievably disgusting.
Please don't let this believe stop you from calling someone to be able to talk about it. It's not a fact, it's a believe you have as a result of what has been done to you.
What do you mean by bringing it on yourself? I blame myself all the time for being me but now I know about asd etc it's helping. No form of bullying ever is the fault of the victim even if you did behave badly bullying is not acceptable in any way.
But I did bring it on myself, that's why it's so hard to deal with.
My instinct tells me that they won't think or say that you've brought this on yourself in any way. What you went through was real and the little you've said sounds horriffic. Maybe you could email the samaritans, saying what you have said here?
It sounds like you need more help than you are getting, could you go back to your GP thinking of it as a clean slate and see if they might look into PTSD or something similar?
What do you do about the memories?
Thank you for your reply, Misfit61. The worst thing is that I can't talk about these things to anyone for fear of upsetting people, and it pushes me further and further into my shame. I feel so ashamed I find it hard to talk to anyone about what's happened because I'm worried they'll just say it's all my fault, which it is. That's why I haven't called any organisations or anything, because I know they'll be like, well, you brought it on yourself.
HelloAngelcake. You are not alone. There are many people on this forum who have struggled throughout life . Some have been bullied, some self harm or attempted suicide and am sure more will have had suicidal thoughts. On the whole we are not professionals who can help with your mental health difficulties. There will be others, me included, who have depression and anxiety and others with other types of mental health issues. Thank you for your consideration in not going into too much detail because I would have found it upsetting. Not as upsetting as you having to live with it though. You will find a listening ear here especially if you join in current threads so that we can get to know you. Have you contacted the charity Mind? They are usually quite well represented up and down the country. They not only listen but do activities too in safe environments. Have a look round the forum, use the search at the top to find things you might be interested in or to find other 20 year olds.
You are not alone.
I am considerably older than you but I still have nightmare memories about my school days and these memories will not fade. I had suicidal thoughts almost every day at school, thinking of walking in front of a bus and finishing it