Published on 12, July, 2020
I am so unhappy at the moment. The reason is money, to be specific budgeting!! I am so rubbish at it, (I am on the benefits system AGAIN!) I make the same mistakes over and over again. (Decade after bloody decade!! Fortnight after Fortnight!!) End up running out of money, and having to either borrow some money or sell something (like a junkie.) Its like a OCD thing, a compulsion to wreck things financially whenever I can.
The problem is I am now feeling so low, negative and wishing I was dead. Is this common with people who have Aspergers syndrome? I want to cry, I want to die, I want to poke myself in the eye. I don't self harm other than over-eating, or eating food that upsets my bowels and stomach.
Do you know is this is something I can be cured of? It does not bode well for a good future for me, yet I am positive it is a brain malfunction thing. I so want to do better, I just can't I don't know how. It is so damn frustrating, it is driving me to tears literally!!!
Am I the only one who suffers like this? Where should I turn to for help with this? Can anyone really help me??
Hi Hendrow. Try focusing on something else you like doing and do that when you feel low. It could be going for a walk, reading a book, play a sport. In the meantime what you can do is focus your efforts in job searching. Use the internet etc. it breaks your day up, doesn't cost anything and will hopefully lead to something better. There is also a great autism website called Autism Plus and they support people on the spectrum to find a job. Hope it helps.
I think this piece speaks for itself . . .
I hope it also speaks for others.
Down it pressed
18 October 2013 at 18:49
Down it pressed, 2013 revised version (originally written in February 2007.)
I need to be with those of my own kind, of the same mind,
They are not easy to find, in this day and time,
I need to be understood, for my own good,
Like I thought they would, like I know they should,
I need to see what there is to gain,
Learn to lose the pain, break the chain,
Not go insane, see that my life is not in vain,
There is a chemical storm in my brain,
I feel like I am nothing just end the pain,
Cos’ I am not bluffing, I will not feign
Can you decide what I feel inside?
I have lost my purpose and sacrificed my pride,
I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I try to cry,
But I can’t even weep,
I have never known a pain so deep,
That makes me wish my heart would not beat,
Down in the dirt, boy do I hurt, what is my life worth?
You go first, it can’t get any worse, prepare the hearse,
What I feel is surely real, don’t make a meal,
Get on an even keel, what’s the big deal?
What? Who is faking, what profit am I making?
My heart, soul, mind, and body aching,
Life-taking, sleep or waking,
Man-trapping, kidnapping, what is happening?
Strength-sapping, no foot tapping or hand clapping,
I am not in to bloodletting, I do know though, about sweating,
Fretting, friend vetting, betting you deserve the bad you are getting,
So, when I fell to the ground did it make a sound?
It didn't - that’s why there is no-one around,
But when I think back, I can’t quite be sure,
Am I alone because I won’t answer the door,
Won’t open the post, or pick up the phone,
Won’t talk to anyone – Why am I alone?
Is this a disease? bringing me to my knees?
I need to know . . . . . someone, help me please,
Paranoia, and anxiety, my brain is just a complexity,
You are annoyed at my inactivity, the wasting of my ability,
I live and dwell in complacency, you show that you are vexed with me,
That reinforces my insecurity, and bolsters my negativity,
Multiplying the agony, and you thought that you were helping me?
You might decide to just leave me be? This was part of my history,
My name, is . . . . . . . . . . Hendrow Christie, and I beat it, not it beat me.
That does indeed speak volumes. Wow!