So different from others

Hi Jessicaaaaa

As this was a few days ago I wonder if you've now had a chance to talk to your friend about this?

I remember at 16 my best friend and I did have different interests and as a result sometimes did things separately to each other.  She would often talk about people I didn't know.  Sometimes she went to parties with other people.  I remember at first I felt a bit upset and excluded about it as I thought that I was being maliciously excluded from stuff she was doing, but then I realised that it was because she was doing stuff that I wasn't that interested in.  We still did other stuff together though.  Instead I found my own interests and through them met some other people.  It took a while to get to know other people, but that common interest meant that we already had something in common.  So we could talk about the interest first and then get to know each other.  I actually found that I got on better with boys as friends rather than girls.  I can be friends with girls but I just found that I click better with boys.

I'm still friends with my best friend from my teenage years (30 years later).  We don't see each other regularly but when we do we can easily pick up from where we left off and we can still easily click.  We've both gone off and had very different lives and have completely different sets of friends now, but that is because our interests started to differ at some point and we each had to go our own way and live our own lives.  We still value each other's friendship and the impact that our friendship had on our lives but we also accept that we do not need to speak to each other daily any more to maintain that valuable connection.

If you don't like house parties then you are not alone.  Many people, autistic or not, don't like them either but feel obliged to participate to maintain a certain image or feel like they are not missing out.  As you experience more of the world around you, you will find that people are more diverse than in your own school.  

If you want to socialise with people then you may need to do something that is a little uncomfortable (go to places where there are larger groups of people and talking to people you don't yet know), but you shouldn't need to do something that is terrifying and upsetting.  It is possible to go to social events that aren't 'parties' or where there aren't certain expectations that you aren't interested in (drinking and casual sex).

And you certainly shouldn't feel like you 'have to' do anything sexual if you don't want to.  Sex comes when it is right for you.  Nervous yes, but with a feeling that you want to do it, not that you have to do it.

"Different is good".  Whilst I wasn't diagnosed at 16 I knew I was different and I was repeatedly told by my mother that I should never care about what other people are doing, only what I was doing.  We all hate to admit our parents are right but it is one of the most important lessons I learnt from her.  I truly believe that some of my best achievements in life have stemmed from my ability to celebrate being different, not to follow the crowd, not to accept other people's perceptions of me and never to accept being told that I wouldn't be able to do something.

I hope that you can look at what you want to do and what you enjoy doing and use that to start finding your own way.

Hi Jessicaaaaa

As this was a few days ago I wonder if you've now had a chance to talk to your friend about this?

I remember at 16 my best friend and I did have different interests and as a result sometimes did things separately to each other.  She would often talk about people I didn't know.  Sometimes she went to parties with other people.  I remember at first I felt a bit upset and excluded about it as I thought that I was being maliciously excluded from stuff she was doing, but then I realised that it was because she was doing stuff that I wasn't that interested in.  We still did other stuff together though.  Instead I found my own interests and through them met some other people.  It took a while to get to know other people, but that common interest meant that we already had something in common.  So we could talk about the interest first and then get to know each other.  I actually found that I got on better with boys as friends rather than girls.  I can be friends with girls but I just found that I click better with boys.

I'm still friends with my best friend from my teenage years (30 years later).  We don't see each other regularly but when we do we can easily pick up from where we left off and we can still easily click.  We've both gone off and had very different lives and have completely different sets of friends now, but that is because our interests started to differ at some point and we each had to go our own way and live our own lives.  We still value each other's friendship and the impact that our friendship had on our lives but we also accept that we do not need to speak to each other daily any more to maintain that valuable connection.

If you don't like house parties then you are not alone.  Many people, autistic or not, don't like them either but feel obliged to participate to maintain a certain image or feel like they are not missing out.  As you experience more of the world around you, you will find that people are more diverse than in your own school.  

If you want to socialise with people then you may need to do something that is a little uncomfortable (go to places where there are larger groups of people and talking to people you don't yet know), but you shouldn't need to do something that is terrifying and upsetting.  It is possible to go to social events that aren't 'parties' or where there aren't certain expectations that you aren't interested in (drinking and casual sex).

And you certainly shouldn't feel like you 'have to' do anything sexual if you don't want to.  Sex comes when it is right for you.  Nervous yes, but with a feeling that you want to do it, not that you have to do it.

"Different is good".  Whilst I wasn't diagnosed at 16 I knew I was different and I was repeatedly told by my mother that I should never care about what other people are doing, only what I was doing.  We all hate to admit our parents are right but it is one of the most important lessons I learnt from her.  I truly believe that some of my best achievements in life have stemmed from my ability to celebrate being different, not to follow the crowd, not to accept other people's perceptions of me and never to accept being told that I wouldn't be able to do something.

I hope that you can look at what you want to do and what you enjoy doing and use that to start finding your own way.