Friends and social life

I've had very little social interaction in my life and the few girlfriends I have had didn't last 2 weeks :( only people I really have friends with are online and a distance away from me 

Very eloquently written! 

Hi Starbuck. "social interaction makes us happy and stops us feeling isolated and depressed" is probably a very valid statement for 'normal' people, but not necessarily for us. For me it depends very much on who it is - specifically, interacting with my wife and children is lovely, I love doing it and it makes me happy, I could literally spend all day doing it without breaks. But interacting with anyone else - not interested. Interacting with people at work or at a club, I get nothing from that, in fact it makes me stressed because I don't understand how to do it properly, not in an effective way like everyone else seems to manage effortlessly. I'm happy just interacting with my wife and children, and I'm of the belief that we should do what makes us happy. I have no desire to copy what everyone else is doing to make me feel like I 'fit in', because that's not how it works for me. We follow a different set of rules. And since there's no rule stating I have to interact with people, and I get no benefit from doing it anyway, I don't push myself. There's lots of self-help out there which says how we should push our boundaries to grow, and to interact with new people to find new opportunities. That's probably true, but I have no need to push my boundaries. It's taken me a long time to feel comfortable with who I am, so I would place the importance on understanding yourself. Then you would be able to make the choice about whether to open yourself up to new experiences and people if that's what you want to do, and if you think you would get benefit from it. But there's no law saying you have to.

I do remember being single before I met my wife, and I felt very lonely. But I only wanted a girlfriend, just one person who I could share everything with - I never attempted to get new friends to fill that void because I knew that wouldn't have helped, it wasn't what I was looking for, it was a partner-shaped void. Once that was filled, I had no requirement or need to make new friends. It's not because I've 'accepted my isolation', it's because I've accepted that people don't make me tick. I don't have that need. There are other activities I would rather be doing that I really enjoy compared to whatever activities you need to do to make and keep friends. And it's not that I don't try because it's easier for me to lie to myself and say I don't have that need, which would allow me to avoid doing it, it's because I genuinely don't have a need to interact with other people. I could live in an empty village in my house with my wife and children, and it would not bother me in the slightest.

I think understanding yourself and being honest with yourself is the most important mindset you can use to work out if you're in a rut or not. And also the knowledge that it's okay not to want social activity in your life, not everyone does, and it doesn't make you any less of a person. Do what you feel happy with.

Hope this has been of some help.

Hello Starbuck, I really do struggle with this in life and have done for the majority of my 26 years of existence!! I will be totally honest with you and everyone else reading this I feel isolated in social life cause (my own personal opinion and experience) people don't wanna know someone who's different I've had it loads from people who think I'm ok but as soon as I mention learning difficulties (lately Autism) I feel people feel differently about me and switch off. 

I'm glad to hear that someone Autistic has a partner cause for myself and from what I've read other Autistic people struggle to find relationships and keep hold of them, and it hurts in many ways, most of my friends are online and a distance away from me like in Texas and down in Portsmouth but anywhere near Glasgow, Scotland I can't find a friend or a girlfriend and it sucks. 

Hi Starbuck, Yes I have this debate every now and again.

Sometimes I want to be sociable or get the urge to go places. Other times friends and family have pressured me to go out / see them because they just don't understand the stress this causes me. It's difficult to explain to them that I care but just can't manage fully the social aspects of long term relationships...I've let friends drift away. 

So what I do after the debate ( usually with myself nowadays ) is to gently force myself out of my comfort zone by planning to see a friend or go somewhere new with my boyfriend and then proceed to experience a lot of stress before , during and after which results in a type of social hangover where I don't want to see anyone for a while!! Sometimes it works , other times it just reinforces my isolation.

I made a terrible mistake inviting some old school friends over to my house last weekend and although it was a pleasant enough evening ,by all accounts , it has left me exhausted and in pain ( I have CFS & Fibromyalgia ) from having to tidy up the house and I have a terrible 'social hangover'. I'm lucky that my old school friends have very busy lives with careers and children so don't want to meet up too often, they also have their own experience with autistic children so now that I have "come out" as having autistic traits they are more understanding...it's still difficult though.

I don't think there is anything unhealthy about your situation if you are happy. I find that my partner, children and dogs provide ample social stimulation most of the time.

I used to ride a motorbike too and struggled on group ride outs but enjoyed being part of the biking community in general. I miss riding my bike ( GSX-R600 K7 ) such an amazing feeling.

Conclusion: whatever works for you is best, anything outside comfort zone = little steps.

Also I think it is a good idea to use your interests / hobbies to tempt you (i.e. the song writing ) out of your comfort zone for your own personal growth...you should never feel forced into socialising by someone else.

Hi, I sometimes think about this too. One of the things that made me wonder if I am aspie is that I am so much more relaxed when I'm on my own or just with my husband (although I love being around the children in the extended family, I don't have the same peace!). We are bombarded with stuff in the media about girly girls having fun with friends and it's annoying and a bit worrying, if you can't do 'girls night out' or, horrors! a girls weekend away. I can identify with everything you've written. I used to be far more outgoing and tried countless times to fit in but since having a bad menopause I've come to feel very strongly that I just need to build up my mental strength after decades of working, trying to make friends and pretending I'm alright really. So I'm just in retreat, as it were, at the moment and enjoying it. I think there will come a point when I have to think about the future, but not just yet. I can't really add to the good advice you've been given here, but I do hope you will come to a comfortable resolution with it - and you're certainly not alone.

my name is robyn i have autism and i dont get out very much due to my autism as i get panic attacks due to being shy or clostrophobic! so have u guys got any places in poole or bournemouth that i could try going to! to get my confidence boosted up cheers from robyn

thst sounds interesting and also flexible because it’s not something you have to do every week and you can work on it at home by yourself too

Good. I hope the ideas help even if just to find out what is and isn’t manageable for you which will change depending on how you feel at the time.  I hope not to be burnt out indefinitely either but things keep happening so that I’m not moving forward as I would like. 

I like to think it's never too late for things to happen.  I think part of the problem is assessing how you have become stuck in that rut and how you would like to change it.  I have now started to analyse how I have slipped into my comfort zone and how I can emerge without causing too much stress to myself.  

Part of my problem is I am not sure what level of socialising I am ready for.  I think starting new friendships will be a bit too much at the moment.  I am looking at one of my old special interests which I have let slipped which is writing music as it used to mean going to music venues and open mic nights.  Socialising and meeting new people all tied into my interest then, so I might look at this as a way if tackling my rut.

Yes life gets the better of us all and I am finding I am burnt out a lot lately.

I had a week off work a couple of weeks a go and felt better for it, but I feel back to square one after a week back at work.  I am going to keep my options open on how I can improve this though as I don't intend to go through life burnt out forever.

Luckily, I have a few more days to take off, so I may book a few long weekends and try to relax.

We have also started to adopt some of your advice as well about sharing activities, even if just for a short while.  Manage to squeeze one spontaneous pub visit in so far, so that's an improvement if nothing else. 

i have given up on partners or friends as i reckon, if it's never happened yet and i'm nearly fifty, it's not going to. Animals do nothing for me. I too am in a bit of a rut!

Whilst we are working I don’t think we realise just how much effort it takes to do everything required from sleep the night before,preparation ,travel ,interaction including emails ,keeping up with directives and change and whatever the job entails being conscientious and hard working... people without autism etc get tired throughout the working week., even if we enjoy our job and the stimulation and interest of the work involved.. it takes up huge amounts of energy. It’s not easy either to find ways and put them into practice to ease off the burnout. Are you due any time off soon? Maybe you could have a long weekend ( which won’t be enough but might help) could you do flexitime? I hope you don’t have a job which you need to take home with you. 

Thanks Misfit61, some good suggestions there.  I will discuss the idea of us doing an activity together away from home and see what ideas we come up with.

No it isn't easy and I think I am particularly burnt out at the moment and probably struggling more than usual.

No, I didn't find I did connect with anyone in groups, but then again that's not to say I never will.

It’s not that you don’t have interests and things you enjoy doing. And if you are either too stressed by trying to do them in a larger group or don’t mind/enjoy doing them by yourself that’s ok. In the groups you tried did you click with anyone so that you could just go with one or two people instead? It sounds like you have a good relationship with your partner and he is understanding and tries to work with you. Do you have shared interests? Maybe he would just enjoy something more if you were doing something together even if it was a couple of hours once a month just so there is some integration for you both in your social life. That way you are doing something regularly together away from your home but not every week and not for long or maybe he goes to whatever he does and once a month you go along too but maybe for a shorter time. I think our reserves to cope with change and spontaneity are lower when we are tired or when we’ve used up our resources doing something like work for example . Maybe when you are on leave together you could practice being spontaneous in some way or other. Go from a-b but change the route and explore or go with the weather it’s a nice day let’s do x or go from a-b but change the place you eat out.. I don’t know if this is too simplistic. Then when it comes to retirement you could maybe try one group activity or with the bikes and cycles you could go to meets or events rather than the rides. Not easy is it. But it’s all  what you are comfortable with for now. For now going out with my dad for rides and lunch out and more when my sister is home ( I feel like I hold her back too from doing more exciting things) and occasional meets with one friend at a time is manageable but know I “should” be doing more. 

Some good questions.  I wouldn't say my interests are outlandish, rather more solitary.  So for example, I like gaming, but hate online gaming where I have to interact with others.  I also like researching renewable technologies and I have a keen interest in certain types of food and nutrition.  I have joined some foodies groups previously, but found them overwhelming and almost like to had to fit in with the clique.  My hobbies have reduced a lot to what they used to be, but even then they have always been solitary.  So when I used to go out cycling, I preferred to be alone as cycling with others stressed me out as I couldn't predict their pace and how they would ride, same for when I am out riding my motorbike as well.

I have probably answered my own question above.  When I have made my hobbies and interests more social, it ruins it for me and causes me stress.

I do think I put too much pressure on my partner, although he never complains.  He gets frustrated with how hard it is to get me to go out and do things, which I feel for him and try to make an effort.  It's just he is more spontaneous than me so is learning last minute plans are not good as well as springing things up on me.  I insist he does his own thing, so I don't impact on his social life as well, but I do wonder if I hold him back.

Apart from animals what are your interests? It sounds like they may be less common ones? I'm like both of you.. I would be content with a partner and animals especially if my Social energy was used up at work. Over the years I have had many jobs and tried doing classes ( I have kept 1 friend from those) or tried out Social / religious groups with occasional success but mainly not. Sometimes I do make friends but keeping them is another matter entirely though have kept a handful. I even started  2 groups to suit me but one kept going without me as I couldn't cope and the other changed direction to suit the others and I couldn't cope so they were a success but I wasn't. It is possible to find friends from interest groups but sounds like you have a full life already. Do you think you put too much pressure on your partner as the only social interaction you have? Do you think your hobbies are so outlandish no one else would enjoy them? I wonder why you are questioning yourself about this.. do you think you need to mix more? Only you know how much of yourself you could give to further social interactions outside work. Let us know what you decide. 

Hello Starbuck.  I have had this debate in the past.  Like you, though, I've always found it hard to make friends and to keep them.  I'm a friendly person, as most people who know me will probably confirm.  I like people.  But I feel better when they're not around.  People seem perplexed when I tell them that I like nothing better than to spend the whole weekend alone.  I'm the same with relationships.  I've tried them several times in the past, but they've always come to grief.  I think a lot of it is to do with me being very possessive of my time.  I have interests that even work interferes with.  During the evenings and weekends, these take up my time.  I don't like them being disturbed, so time away from them is time that, for me, seems wasted.  Throughout my life, other people have either been indifferent to me at best and hostile at worst.  So not having them in my life very much doesn't bother me unduly.