Friends and social life

Being with my friends is such a fun :) 

Thank you seekeraftertruth.  That has helped and has made me realise I need to stop being so hard on myself about these things.

again. looking into a mirror.

At my workplace they encourage what they call the "work/life balance", and they're very big into mental health support and awareness. For me, I work 8am-4pm then leave all my work at work and go home, that's it for the night. I don't class people at work as friends, they are colleagues, although I am friendly towards them (I class friends as "someone who's house I would go round", which is only 1 person at work). But, it doesn't seem to matter that much, because I'm polite and friendly to people, and I'm good at what I do, so people feel comfortable enough to approach me, I just come across as someone who keeps himself to himself a bit. Or they don't notice me, which is fine too :) . Everyone is so busy that it's common for me to not speak to anyone all day if I'm involved in a task (like today - 8 hours without conversation so far!). I also have a reputation for being good at what I do, and that's respected by everyone at my workplace, so that also helps, because the relationship you have with someone at work can be different than a 'friend' relationship if you're both there to do a good job; you can still have respect for someone without being best buddies. I don't really feel I get excluded, but I think that's because of the way work is structured here - everyone is in a team but each person is an expert in a different aspect of the work, so half the time people work as a 'team of 1' because they're the expert in the task they're doing, and if you need to involve someone else's expertise, you just assign the rest of the task to them and they hand it back when they're done. It's all very efficient.

I think my point is that there's other ways at work that you can compensate for not wanting to do the social stuff, for example being good at what you do - this is something ASD lends itself well to, because you might find it easy to become expert in certain things to a much greater degree than others, and they end up coming to you for help or advice for their own work, and if you're able to help them then they appreciate that and it can make them think differently of you or behave better towards you. This may also depend on your workplace - if it's a smaller place then 'social glue' might be considered important to getting teams to work well with each other; I don't know as I've only ever worked in one place and there's 300 people in my department. If you can showcase your skills, people might want to work with you, as you'll both get a better result for the company if you work together, and that's ultimately what you're all there for. Also, if you're feeling excluded you could speak to your manager about this - saying you don't do the social stuff as well as others but you make up for it by being good at what you do, and see how they can help you. They have to make "reasonable adjustment" by law, to give you the same opportunities as others, so that's an avenue you could investigate - it's not necessarily up to just you to solve the problem, it's your manager's job too to get their workers working their best together, to create better outcomes for the company.

Hope that's of some use.

Very valid point and something I have not considered really.  I guess I have been working so hard to 'fit-in' that I often sidetrack my own needs.

Your above point perhaps resonates more with me presently as work has been very busy recently and has meant that I have been travelling more and meeting more new people.  The result is I am completely burnout and non-functioning after work and at some periods during work.  This has meant I have isolated myself more from the people I normally talk to and socialise with, such as family and even my partner.  My partner has mentioned that I am making myself ill and he is really worried about me.

If anything this has demonstrated to me that I can't push myself constantly outside of my comfort zone in the hope of improving my social situation.  All it has manifested in is my well-being decreasing, my special interests subsiding and any social interactions I already have diminishing - so in effect it has caused the complete opposite.

Like you have stated, I am happy just spending time with my partner and on certain occasions family (although that is in small doses).  I don't feel lonely or like I am missing out on anything - it is more the pressure to be a certain way rather than what I think I need.  I get a lot of pressure from work to attend social events and the like, but always turn them down.  It does mean that I am excluded from the working group at work and as such, I feel I have to work harder to get people to want to work with me to get stuff done.

My previous jobs have always involved me working on my own which I much preferred, so it has all been a bit of a learning curve.

Thank you for the insight.  I will stop rambling now :)

you just need your 'comfort space'. I'll tolerate small circles for short periods, and can go off the radar for weeks and maybe months.

Even when I was in a relationship, i found it all a bit overwhalming because it meant being 'social', and usually in situations where I didnt wanna be (surrounded by uncontrollable drunks).

If i meet friends, its always for dinner now.

Hi Starbuck. "social interaction makes us happy and stops us feeling isolated and depressed" is probably a very valid statement for 'normal' people, but not necessarily for us. For me it depends very much on who it is - specifically, interacting with my wife and children is lovely, I love doing it and it makes me happy, I could literally spend all day doing it without breaks. But interacting with anyone else - not interested. Interacting with people at work or at a club, I get nothing from that, in fact it makes me stressed because I don't understand how to do it properly, not in an effective way like everyone else seems to manage effortlessly. I'm happy just interacting with my wife and children, and I'm of the belief that we should do what makes us happy. I have no desire to copy what everyone else is doing to make me feel like I 'fit in', because that's not how it works for me. We follow a different set of rules. And since there's no rule stating I have to interact with people, and I get no benefit from doing it anyway, I don't push myself. There's lots of self-help out there which says how we should push our boundaries to grow, and to interact with new people to find new opportunities. That's probably true, but I have no need to push my boundaries. It's taken me a long time to feel comfortable with who I am, so I would place the importance on understanding yourself. Then you would be able to make the choice about whether to open yourself up to new experiences and people if that's what you want to do, and if you think you would get benefit from it. But there's no law saying you have to.

I do remember being single before I met my wife, and I felt very lonely. But I only wanted a girlfriend, just one person who I could share everything with - I never attempted to get new friends to fill that void because I knew that wouldn't have helped, it wasn't what I was looking for, it was a partner-shaped void. Once that was filled, I had no requirement or need to make new friends. It's not because I've 'accepted my isolation', it's because I've accepted that people don't make me tick. I don't have that need. There are other activities I would rather be doing that I really enjoy compared to whatever activities you need to do to make and keep friends. And it's not that I don't try because it's easier for me to lie to myself and say I don't have that need, which would allow me to avoid doing it, it's because I genuinely don't have a need to interact with other people. I could live in an empty village in my house with my wife and children, and it would not bother me in the slightest.

I think understanding yourself and being honest with yourself is the most important mindset you can use to work out if you're in a rut or not. And also the knowledge that it's okay not to want social activity in your life, not everyone does, and it doesn't make you any less of a person. Do what you feel happy with.

Hope this has been of some help.

Hi, I sometimes think about this too. One of the things that made me wonder if I am aspie is that I am so much more relaxed when I'm on my own or just with my husband (although I love being around the children in the extended family, I don't have the same peace!). We are bombarded with stuff in the media about girly girls having fun with friends and it's annoying and a bit worrying, if you can't do 'girls night out' or, horrors! a girls weekend away. I can identify with everything you've written. I used to be far more outgoing and tried countless times to fit in but since having a bad menopause I've come to feel very strongly that I just need to build up my mental strength after decades of working, trying to make friends and pretending I'm alright really. So I'm just in retreat, as it were, at the moment and enjoying it. I think there will come a point when I have to think about the future, but not just yet. I can't really add to the good advice you've been given here, but I do hope you will come to a comfortable resolution with it - and you're certainly not alone.

Some good questions.  I wouldn't say my interests are outlandish, rather more solitary.  So for example, I like gaming, but hate online gaming where I have to interact with others.  I also like researching renewable technologies and I have a keen interest in certain types of food and nutrition.  I have joined some foodies groups previously, but found them overwhelming and almost like to had to fit in with the clique.  My hobbies have reduced a lot to what they used to be, but even then they have always been solitary.  So when I used to go out cycling, I preferred to be alone as cycling with others stressed me out as I couldn't predict their pace and how they would ride, same for when I am out riding my motorbike as well.

I have probably answered my own question above.  When I have made my hobbies and interests more social, it ruins it for me and causes me stress.

I do think I put too much pressure on my partner, although he never complains.  He gets frustrated with how hard it is to get me to go out and do things, which I feel for him and try to make an effort.  It's just he is more spontaneous than me so is learning last minute plans are not good as well as springing things up on me.  I insist he does his own thing, so I don't impact on his social life as well, but I do wonder if I hold him back.

Apart from animals what are your interests? It sounds like they may be less common ones? I'm like both of you.. I would be content with a partner and animals especially if my Social energy was used up at work. Over the years I have had many jobs and tried doing classes ( I have kept 1 friend from those) or tried out Social / religious groups with occasional success but mainly not. Sometimes I do make friends but keeping them is another matter entirely though have kept a handful. I even started  2 groups to suit me but one kept going without me as I couldn't cope and the other changed direction to suit the others and I couldn't cope so they were a success but I wasn't. It is possible to find friends from interest groups but sounds like you have a full life already. Do you think you put too much pressure on your partner as the only social interaction you have? Do you think your hobbies are so outlandish no one else would enjoy them? I wonder why you are questioning yourself about this.. do you think you need to mix more? Only you know how much of yourself you could give to further social interactions outside work. Let us know what you decide. 

Hello Starbuck.  I have had this debate in the past.  Like you, though, I've always found it hard to make friends and to keep them.  I'm a friendly person, as most people who know me will probably confirm.  I like people.  But I feel better when they're not around.  People seem perplexed when I tell them that I like nothing better than to spend the whole weekend alone.  I'm the same with relationships.  I've tried them several times in the past, but they've always come to grief.  I think a lot of it is to do with me being very possessive of my time.  I have interests that even work interferes with.  During the evenings and weekends, these take up my time.  I don't like them being disturbed, so time away from them is time that, for me, seems wasted.  Throughout my life, other people have either been indifferent to me at best and hostile at worst.  So not having them in my life very much doesn't bother me unduly.