Romance & Relationships

 I suspect this subject has been done to death, but oh well…

 I've noticed some ASD people act predominantly asexual. And there goes the second camp, one me and most of my ASD mates belong to, which can be summed into ‘lonely & desperate’.

 This really sucks and our situation is honestly dealing great deal of upset and annoyance. It is really depressing. Reading about promiscuous people and unlikely flings drives us mad. Or abusive individuals - it's like how can that prat have someone - and not us, rather nice people?! None of us can stand displays of public affection either, oh no. Idiot shows such as Love Island made us even more angry.

 Really though. Why is everyone around us getting all the love and us the “weirdos” don't really matter?

 Although myself I've had men hit up on me - but so what? You know what type that was. Perverts who'd tap anything that moves. Not attracted to any of them creeps. I often recommended they look at other women as there is ‘nothing to see here’. I never quite understood why they would take notice in the plain, drab me.

 As I'm bi but pretty much predominantly interested in women over men, I always hoped one day maybe a woman hits up on me for once? And one eventually did after very long - but of course she was rather butch, nothing my type. When I shared the experience with my circle, one of them asked me why didn't I agree for at least one date - but I laughed it off and said I don't go out with people I'm not attracted to? I mean why on earth would I?? I'm not that desperate, and teased him that he wouldn't go on a date with Miss Trunchbull clone either!

 Because of the nature of the special interest that connects us all - transport & mainly buses, we travel a lot around the city (London). And what does that give? Beauties to stare at and the inability to ever interact with them! And of course it's not like they would ever notice us. I've had too many of these that I feel distraught for being too nondescript to ever stand a chance with.

 Interesting fact about us lot is that we all had some sort of big crushes in the past, but blew it in a way or another, or ended up in a hopeless situation - like me for an instance, as my first Love was a teacher from my college, an incredible divine beauty who really made me lose my mind. I would lie if I said I wasn't bitter that this didn't work. Any news reports of students having affairs with their teachers elsewhere makes me want to smash up things, because how are they better than me?? I still treat her boyfriend as my #1 rival. It's that strong.

 I've read somewhere that Aspies in love often fixate on the person and declare they are the Only One. Yup, sums me up. It's only because it's been 3 years and I almost died that maybe weakened this madness a little bit.

 I've had one serious crush recently which is still current - but I can already say bye-bye as the subject of my affection turned out to be gay, so looks the most there will be is a friendship. Godammit, such a shame as we have so much in common, including being Aspies. Urghh, my luck; I bet I'm only attracted to straight women and gay men, I betcha! How not to lose all hope??

Let me tell you a story. My Great Grandmother whom I've never met, who was almost certainly an Aspie herself based on descriptions my Mum and Auntie gave me, had only gotten married at… 39. Practically unheard of in the late 1940s. To a widower left with small children - and I like children too. She was apparently somewhat 'detached' and 'aloof', never hugged her grandchildren, they never even stayed at the house overnight for some reason. Sound right? She was from a poor family and it was back in the days when dowry was still a thing. That perhaps has stalled potential weddings, but then again one of her sisters went off to Australia to try for a better life, and another of her sisters went to be the priest's housekeeper - whether there was something between them or not (we know how it is sometimes…), it wasn't clear. But you see both the other sisters tried to do something about their fate, but my Great-Grandma as the only just waited for what life brought her. And I really really think genes come back and I might be autistic because of this heritage :-)

 Having said that, there goes the Curse of 39. Will I really be this old before I get to have a family?? :-(

Cuz Curse of 21 (both my Mum and Grandma had their first baby at that age, with rushed weddings) seems highly unlikely to touch me lol.

  • I am also struggling with Romance & Relationships. I have not had a partner yet as most of them I have met usually liked parties, music. I like silence, parks, countryside, mountains. I would like a partner who would understand me and likes quiet environment.

  • Alisha said:
    Really though. Why is everyone around us getting all the love and us the “weirdos” don't really matter?

    Hi Alisha,

    Interesting question - and one that haunted me for most of my teens and twenties, and even up into my thirties.  I suppose the only reassurance I ever seemed to get at the time was seeing people I knew fall in love.... the fall out of it again.  Friends got married, only to be divorced within a few years.  A secret part of me used to feel pleased about this.  To realise that it perhaps wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

    I've always struggled with romantic relationships - and being an undiagnosed Aspie throughout much of my life (I was only diagnosed 2 years ago, aged 56, after a lifetime of feeling like an alien: awkward around everybody, and especially women), I never understood what was needed.  Falling in love, too, has always been hard for me in the sense that it completely takes over me.  I obsess about the person.  If ever I'm away from them, the anxiety is so great that I can barely function.  If there's a condition of 'love-sickness', I get it all the time, to a clinical degree.

    I was 23 when I met my first girlfriend.  Or rather, she met me.  I was at a nightclub.  I hated places like that - too many people, too much noise - but I couldn't think of any other way of meeting the opposite sex.  In the end, she chatted me up.  She asked for my phone number.  We got together, and I finally found the answer to my dreams.  For six months.  And then it all faded away.  I was vindicated.  It wasn't all it was cracked up to be.  But the romantic in me never gave up hope of finding the one.

    I spent the rest of my 20s putting ads in the local papers, with no success.  I wanted a true romantic relationship.  I wasn't into one-nighters.  I didn't want sex for the sake of it.  I wanted the whole package.  I was an idealist, you might say.  At 28, I went to uni.  I thought my chance had arrived at last, to meet people on my wavelength.  No deal.  In 3 years, I met no one.  My next girlfriend came along when I was 31.  Another six month fling.  Then I waited a further 7 years before the next, and that was disastrous.  She was cheating on me from the beginning.  I finally met the woman I was to marry when I was almost 40.  We were together for 5 years.  And then that, too, foundered.  At the time, I couldn't understand it.  I loved her very much - but I couldn't live with her.  We got along better after we separated - but once the divorce was finalised, she wanted nothing more to do with me.  I don't blame her.  It was very painful.  For both of us - though I'm not sure she fully understood that.  She thought I'd just fallen out of love with her.  It was much more complicated.

    Since then, I've had a few brief relationships, but nothing lasting.  The most intense - and the only other cohabiting one I've ever had - was with a French woman just over 3 years ago.  She read some of my writing on a writers' forum I was using.  She liked it and got in touch.  We had an intense 3-month correspondence through emails and Facebook.  Eventually, she came over here to meet me.  It was electrifying.  At last, I thought, I'd found the one.  And she was half my age, too - though much more mature in many ways.  Within a month, she'd given up her job and moved over here.  She found work and moved into my flat.  It was great - for a time.  18 months later, it was dead in the water.  She moved out at the beginning of 2016 and I haven't seen her since.

    It took me this experience - plus undergoing therapy before getting my diagnosis - to realise what the problems are.  I can't cohabit.  I need control over my space.  The only way something will work for me again is if I have a LAT-type relationship, or I have a big enough house so that we can occupy separate quarters.  The French woman was horrendously untidy, she was also lazy and controlling.  She took over everything - and left me to clean up the mess.  I can't live that way, under any circumstances.

    I also realise that I've passed up many opportunities with women because I didn't realise they were opportunities.  I miss a lot of body language - and I don't get 'flirting' at all.  I simply don't see it.  Or I didn't.  I do now - but only because I've learned what to look for.

    I no longer actively go out seeking a relationship.  I've been hurt too many times - and have hurt others too many times in return.  I no longer wish that kind of thing, either on myself or another person.  I'm much happier alone.  Sure... I still have my feelings and desires.  I'm human, after all - if 'different' from most others.  But there it is.  I have to do, really, what's best for me.  The emotional turmoil is too much otherwise.  I've only ever been driven to desperate extremes - I needn't elaborate, I don't think - because of thwarted love, and loss.

    Sorry... this doesn't really help you, does it.  I understand your feelings and yearnings, though - and your frustration.  All I can say is... don't give up hope.  39 is still young, even though it doesn't feel it.  I know that sounds crass - and I know about the body-clock ticking away if you want to raise a family.  But it's the best I can say.  I still don't give up hope, and I'm now 58.  I find my attitude to it all has changed a lot, though.  I guess I've had enough of the hardships and heartbreaks with romantic relationships to know that if it's going to happen again, it'll happen when the time is right.  I won't look for it, either.  It'll come to me. 

    I've also known a few 'one-and-onlys' - most notably my ex-wife and the French woman - who weren't that at all.  I've learned from that.  They've been tough lessons, but probably ultimately worth it.

    All the best to you,

    Tom