Published on 12, July, 2020
I was diagnosed a few weeks ago and initially I felt a huge wave of relief and burst into tears. Then I felt confusion and anxiety wondering if I will ever feel like I belong and wondering who I really am without the mask. And now I just feel so completely alone. I don't have many people in my life. Just my partner and children and my Mum. My Mum has always been unable to see things from other people's perspectives and is heavily critical of anything I do. But after having gone through the journey with me getting my own children diagnosed, I honestly thought she would be somewhat understanding when I got diagnosed myself. Instead she has been just the same as always and doesn't seem to understand that I really just struggle with life and have done for my entire life. I feel like if I try to take one step forward she is right there dragging me back three steps simply because she can't accept me for who I am. I think she thinks I can just snap out of it. I don't want to lose the only family I have around but I also don't want to keep being dragged back when I'm trying to progress. I have tried to talk to her but she is incredibly stubborn and can never accept that she is ever in the wrong. I just don't know what to do or who to turn to anymore. I feel so lost and lonely and I'm constantly worrying about what is going to happen in my future.
Sorry to hear it hasn't gone well,
I had my diagnosis in February, it felt similar to what you described, initially a relief from knowing what it is I've been battling with all my life, but then a negative feeling of not knowing who I really am, if I'll ever fit in, will people ever understand and so on.
Things have improved a bit since then, I think it takes time to process the emotions and thoughts, you're the same person you always were, but now you know why you've always been struggling with certain things it's hard to not focus on them even more. Realising how much you might have been masking for years is also a bit unsettling, wondering which you is the real one is a tad scary and disorienting. so don't be too disheartened, hopefully you'll start to feel better as time goes on and things will feel clearer.
This community is great when it comes to finding people who think and feel the same and have gone through the same issues and genuinely want to help eachother, being autistic makes it difficult to completely understand other people, but being around others that are similar really helps, even if it's just online.
Maybe wait till you're a bit more settled about yourself and have your emotional strength back fully and then have a sit down talk with your mum and try and make your point to her. You should focus on making sure you're ok first and have the energy and clarity to deal with it. There's also a chance that maybe she's having some issues processing it all too.
I found some people close to me seem to have their own views on my condition and at first it aggravated me, but i know they care deeply and maybe some of them won't ever fully understand how I feel every day, I guess that's acceptable too.
Take care, hope you feel better about things soon.
Thankyou that's some good advice. I'm so glad things are looking up for you now. I think I need to refocus and start making my needs a priority.
Yes, I agree, it's a good idea to get myself feeling better and then try to talk to my Mum about things. I guess I was just looking for some emotional support from her and when it was met with criticism instead it just knocked me back.
I am at the point where I am just trying to figure out which parts are me and which parts are the mask. Struggling a bit with it but it's very early days.
I'm so looking forward to meeting people without feeling like I have to hide who I am or explain myself!
It's definitely going to get easier over time.
I've had some therapy sessions, it's helped having someone completely impartial to talk to , there's no risk of me not saying something in case I hurt their feelings etc. then getting a professional viewpoint that isn't biased is great. I was sceptical at first but now I definitely recommend it.
One thing I'm trying to focus on more is what makes me happy, try and look at that first, rather than read the room and put on a mask to ensure everyone elses happiness and opinions are my priority. There's always times all people need to mask to some extent , but the more we do the bigger overhead on our emotions and also the risk of losing our sense of self in amongst it all.
It's not easy finding a balance but we'll get there!
Definitely need to think more about yourself and your needs now, make sure you're looking after "you" more.