I have been recently diagnosed with ASD. Husband and I were wondering how many of you with ASD are married to partners with ADHD?
My psychiatrist thought that it might not be a natural/easy (not sure how to put it) match for people with ASD due to the chaotic/impulsive nature of people with ADHD and so it might not happen very often.
I have been married to my ADHD?OCD husband for five years in the autumn and we would have been together for 10 years :)
As someone with both asd adhd and Dcd, I find the psychologists comments disconcerting. Just as I found it odd when I went for intitial diagnosis.. the separating out of “ND”conditions as if there weren’t overlaps and points of connection. But then maybe that’s why I’m not married. It’s encouraging to see that you have sustained your 10 year relationship with your combined talents and hope you continue to. I am interested in the ratio of married/partnered to single in our community compared with the general “NT” population . I agree that the various combinations can’t fail to make “interesting “ relationships and compromises. Have you found it’s made your relationship more difficult with greater challenges or do you share creativity and sensitivities etc? Hope you don’t mind me responding as a single person. I too look forward to others experience.
I was briefly married for a few years in my twenties, luckily that was over thirty years ago now & I never made the same mistake again ;-)
No I don't mind the reply. I could kind of see where the psychiatrist was coming from but wasn't too sure if it would match on the ground.
I am married, but outside of that I don't really have any friends of my own, and certainly not what you call best friends. Any friends I see are usually through my husband. Some say how can you be lonely when married - but I can understand a marriage relationship is different to having friends. I mean if you are having a tough time in a marriage who can you go have a coffee with to let off steam etc. I am very lucky with this, I also have a husband who is not-NT and we share most interests and understand what it is like to be wired differently even if we are not wired the same.
That being said do have an interesting relationship and probably what others may call unconventional. We have also had hard times especially with meltdowns. But recently after all of our diagnosis' (he has others that intermix with the ADHD) they are much less frequent and also as we understand what is going on and why they become less elevated.
There are certainly some compromises, he also has OCD so he has rituals which I understand. It is just they are different from my rituals with the ASD. But we have been together so long they don't feel like that. I can be odd things like the way we cut vegetables. I think food is the worst area as he has a lot of food allergies. I hate the textures of a lot of the food he likes and he is allergic or doesn't like the food I like. I compromise a lot on food but he compromises on things like going out in the evenings when I am utterly exhausted (we work full time) so it's swings and roundabouts.
So I would say there is a bit of both there are challenges a normal couple might not have but also sensitivities that you might not get with a NT/non-NT relationship. We have different types of creativity - he is a programmer and very techy, into VR and things and I am more into crafts, dance and music. We support each others creativity although his last support in getting me an erhu (chinese violin) as a gift at his admission back fired with the comment "I did not think through the ramifications of this purchase" - I have never played a string instrument. We both like video games and I am now good enough for us to play games co-op with him and between the two of us and a series of Plan A,B,C,D,E and F plans we go to some video games music concerts.
Doesn't suit everybody and that is OK too. I had an Aunt who convinced that if you hadn't been married and divorced at least once then you don't know what you want from relationships and what suits you (most of her family, including herself, found happiness in their third or fourth partner, married or unmarried). My partner and I had been living with each other 5 years before we got married so we knew what each of us were going to have to put up with long before we tied the knot ;-) (me being humorous - I don't always get it right)