Published on 12, July, 2020
I don't have an official diagnosis, however I've made the decision to call the doctors and hopefully start the process, because I have a major issue in my life (aside from scoring "high" on AS online self tests, "severe" in depression self tests and "high" in anxiety self tests, and my 2yr old son is having emotional issues and is already in the diagnosis and support system), in that I can't properly communicate or relate emotionally with my wife and it's making her sad and lonely. She's trying everything to keep us both happy (including being active on forums for people who's partners are on the spectrum for advice she can use).
She used to make me shut down completely in arguments, because I used to say things that were interpreted differently, or I didn't use the right tone, or didn't answer quickly enough, or didn't show any emotion on my face. It used to make me close up and go silent or stutter my responses in panic. Now she allows me more time to respond, which results in longer arguments and silences but kinda works. I still pick at facts or concentrate on little things or issues which only makes argument worse.
I struggle to keep my tone in check. What I believe is just speaking normally is often taken to be bored monotone, snapping or sarcasm. It used to cause the most arguments coz she used to get upset when I used a "tone" and instead of apologizing I'd get defensive coz in my own opinion I hadn't used any "tone". She often tells me these days how much she let's slip by or lets me "get away with" rather than cause a fuss.
I'm constantly getting things wrong by understanding instructions wrong or not picking up on intonations that would change a sentence that regular people would pick up on. I'm always saying "you didn't say that" or "you didn't tell me to do that" or "you said this" when everyone around me is like.... nope you're wrong. I just dont get certain implied things or situations.
I believe I'm very emotionally selfish. I tend to think "Oh darn I'm in the doghouse" rather than "Oh darn I've upset her" and every situation I think about how I feel and my reaction to it rather than consider anyone else. I don't do it on purpose, and I don't like that I do it. I also mask a lot of strong emotions. I could be devastated inside but not show a bit of it on my face. I tend to mirror my wife somewhat. Whenever she's happy, I'm happy. Whenever she's down, I go down too and it makes it near impossible to be the supportive husband to bring her back up again.
Long story short, and thanks for reading this far, my wife is doing everything to make us happy. What can I do? What do I need to change? What can I do to stop her being sad and lonely?
I could be wrong, but it sounds from what you said as though you and your wife communicate primarily through arguments.
You say you think you're being selfish, but people, whether on the spectrum or not, respond first to their own feelings and only secondarily to another person's feelings. It's a natural response. It actually sounds as though you have more empathy than she does, because you are drawn into her moods, but, at the same time, you mask your own feelings, thus protecting her from their effects. It also seems to me that she misunderstands you just as much as you misunderstand her, but while she gets frustrated and blames you, you blame yourself.
Instead of letting discussions become arguments, perhaps you could both agree to take a time out or change the subject when the tension becomes high. Don't try to do that on your own, though, because then she'll think you are avoiding the topic on purpose.
I do tend to avoid discussions, that's my fault not hers, only because I never know what to say so stand there in silence like a child being told off. It's frustrating for both of us. I avoid conflict (or situations that could provoke it) wherever I can.
We tend to "discuss" things mostly in arguments because things build to a point where one of us snaps. We've been together 6 years. Neither of us had any inkling of me being on the spectrum (although it explains *so much* of my life) until my traits just wore us both away.
I really don't want to start discussions about feelings and such as I'm so afraid of the potential escalation, but that may be my only option. I've always bottled up my thoughts and feelings. Talking about them is alien to me.
Despite this post, I must stress that when we're good, we're amazing. We've always shared the same dreams, goals, ideas and humour. I just want her to be happy with me too
It takes two to make a relationship and two to break one. I don't think it's reasonable at all for one person to take all of the blame upon themselves or to have all of the blame put onto them. Sure, you MIGHT have AS but your wife obviously found that to be no problem at all throughout your dating otherwise surely she wouldn't have married you? What has changed (and when) during the six years you've been married?
I'm sorry but I found your total acceptance of full blame for everything wrong in your relationship to be worrying. Who has decided that, all of a sudden, you don't communicate "properly", that your tone(s) are not "right", that you are "emotionally selfish"? It sounds from what you've written that you are the only one who IS considering the other person's emotions! You certainly sound like the only one doing any apologising.
Your wife doesn't "allow" you more time to respond, if she wants a response she either accepts she has to wait for it to be formulated or she doesn't get one! Honestly, read back what you've written but imagine it to be written by a woman? What does this sound like now?
Yes, AS can cause problems in and with relationships but that doesn't mean that EVERY problem in the relationship is caused by AS. My partner isn't AS but he is perfectly capable of being an ASS.
Thankyou, that does make sense! I'm seeking help with depression (and anxiety, though while it is a fairly common occurrence it's not generally detrimental to everyday living) alongside testing for AS, so hopefully something will lift my general mood and confident and make me easier to be around (funny, happy etc) again.
Saying I made the decision to seek help, I've not actually made the appointment yet. Part of me wanted to seek help from others first which is why I'm here. Part of me is afraid to make the call and start a potentially life changing process. I don't usually ask for help as a general rule, not by conscious choice, I just never have so kinda cemented the notion in my mind that I can help myself, that I can change myself, that I don't need help. I'm past that now, there's no other choice. I've realised depression in a real thing and I've been a depressive state for a lot of my life. It's only as I've grown as an adult that I've realised people generally just don't live their lives like that.
I'll make the call later today. Thanks for the responses, they've helped