Published on 12, July, 2020
So I swear I used to basically be fine although that being said living at home and going to school and having a schedule is a lot less trying than where I am now but also I was largely just depressed I didn't really notice much around me other than I was different.
Anyway I only just started to figure I should go see about getting a proper test because it seems to be affecting my life more and more. I think I quit uni (twice) because of it, I can't hold down a job or a relationship but at least I used to travel around the UK a bit. Now I'm mostly stuck in London as my dad wouldn't let me move back in so it's the only place I know how to live for free since I haven't been able to work and all. I'm very much a countryside person though so I miss it but also London is ridiculously stressful as people stare at me, don't smile and there's a lot of noise and stuff going on. It's gotten to a point where I'm scared of crossing roads because I can't handle all the noise and movement so I just can't process what I need to process aka a car coming at me. I tend to therefore only go out when it's dark to rush to a shop or the library and as someone who kinda needs to be able to wonder about in the forests for a few hours a day that...is not ideal. I also am currently *** on public transport. I've started wearing a hat and headphones to limit what I can see and hear but I still end up stressing, hiding behind my bag, in my hands or nearly crying. Anyway I for sure didn't used to be that bad. I think I used to have some aspie traits but like more manageable, I've never had sensory issues this hard to manage. Am I stressed about being in London or is it like some weird reaction to thinking I might have aspergers? It is making me freak out a lot like when I first realised I'm trans and I sorta knew it was so but also kept questioning it actually happening to me.
So I think I need therapy and help dealing with it plus an actual test so I can stop questioning but also I know getting a diagnosis takes forever and I kinda don't want to be in a waiting period but in the meantime any insights into people's own experiences or advice I'd love.
Also if you read this and you go by Anon in some circles please please contact me on here if you don't mind I'd really like to talk to you but if not I'll likely see you in the last weekend of February so it's not such a long wait...
Welcome.
I think you're right to think along the lines of stress making autistic traits more of a problem. Living, as you do, in an environment that you find so overwhelming, and having to scavenge for food, it's not surprising that your stress levels would be very high. Having a high "background level" amount of stress going on always makes my problems with sensory sensitivity and executive function much more severe. This seems to be pretty common from what I've read on autism forums. It can get to be a vicious circle, because the sensory issues are themselves a cause of further stress. It sounds to me like part of the problem might be simply that the stress and sensory problems are something that you're just not getting a break from at all, so that there's never enough time away from it to be able to let any of the stress subside. I can easily understand why you are homesick for the forest - it sounds like you desperately need a sanctuary of some sort so that you can at least get your breath back sometimes.
In the short term, I strongly suggest that you visit a doctor if you can. If this isn't easy because of your situation, then most places will have an emergency mental health team that can be called directly. That may sound a little extreme, but if you are getting so disorientated that you are in danger of having a traffic accident, it is perfectly reasonable.
There's no need to be seeking an autism diagnosis if you're not comfortable with that yet, the immediate problem is to try and get some help with the stress and anxiety. Counselling and anti-anxiety medication aren't a quick fix for all of your problems, of course, but they can help you to lower the immediate anxiety, which in turn, might reduce the severity of your sensory issues. This then puts you in a better position to start looking for longer term solutions. Just a reduction in anxiety enough that you feel able to go out in the daytime occasionally could be a huge benefit - it would open up the option to maybe get a bit of exercise and relaxation in London's parks, or to access a local autism group for a bit of companionship, for example.
Best wishes.
I kind of have the plan in mind to go see my gp however I only met them once and they were a ***! I think they might be transphobic or something since I went to see them about getting my bloods done but they were super rude about it...I don't imagine they'd be that good about helping me with autism as I doubt they'll know much about it and just say I don't have autism and then I'm kinda stuck and gps kinda trigger me since I've had a lot of shitty experiences with them.
I don't really know where to go for an emergency mental health team? My friend said they'd look into this *** counselling place near where I live so hopefully they can help with the stress. It's not so much that I'm in danger of getting hit by a car I'm just really fearful that it's the case. Like I don't know how much danger I'm in so I wait until someone crosses so I can cross with them and then I get a lot of anxiety while waiting because I feel like I'm getting stared at and I hate getting stared at.
Fortunately companionship isn't something I lack too much as my housemates know how I am and periodically wonder into my room to see if I want to hang out. It would be nice to go outside though with less anxiety. Today I gotta go somewhere and one of my friends is doing like a 3 hour round trip just to get me there. I don't like being so dependent but then I'd let down another friend if I didn't go..