I really don’t know how to cope with my friend who has diagnosed Asperger’s recently

Quite why should I run for the hills?

And why should you need to behave yourself?

You are entitled to be yourself on here, let no one TELL you otherwise,

But Could I please ask politely that you refrain from telling people you speak for all autistics, “we”  “ us”.

we are all different, in your replies you keep saying “us” as if all autistics are thinking the same as you, I do not think anything like you, you keep saying how”we” feel?

you have no idea how I feel. Or what I am thinking, 

You May have similar traits as me, you may understand me and me you, but you cannot begin to understand what I feel or how I care, 

In all the time I have been here I have never heard comments such as yours, you are entitled to your opinions as am I. But please do not say you speak for me, , I am not trying to upset you or tell you what to say or do. I ask politely that you refrain from saying you talk for me and every person who is on the autistic spectrum,

I wish you well, take care, 

I offer a virtual hug which you can ignore if you wish. ().

we don’t all accept hugs as we are all different,

Well NAS35494 !Erm,well if the ND friend sounded anything like you then I am not suprised they were struggling to communicate?

you seem to be taking the comments personally?

. Can I ask why you feel it necessary to take the replies personally?

if I can help in any way then please feel free to talk. 

Hi NAS36152 please don’t think that NAS35494 is speaking for me here, I found you to be understanding in that you are trying to find a way to continue what you consider a friendship worth keeping. I think your ND friend is lucky you haven’t walked away long ago. Most ND have felt the pain of rejection by lack of understanding from partners or friends who are NT.

I see you as someone who had a great affection for your friend, and tried to sort out your differences, then along came  the formal diagnosis and that is a massive thing to overcome, it creates ups and downs, uncertainty, frustration, anger, sadness at a life that could have been so different with understanding and support.

She may need support one day, I feel you may be the one she  turns to when she settles down and finds out who she really is, or she may not change her attitude towards you, 

Basically I am sorry you think we are all difficult to understand, we are not all cold uncaring individuals, I think you will find most are kind, we try to help, we question many things, we are tolerant, yes we can be angry if our life has been one long string of abuse or denial from the so called civilised NT masses,

I want to say you did what you thought you could to help your friend, no one asked you to come here looking for answers, you did it to try and stay friends with her, 

I have no NT friends as they all walk away as I am not quite what they want, I wish one had stayed to understand me as it tore me apart when they just walked away with no apparent feelings, 

()

Meh

Whatever. 

Pardon my ND honesty,  

I too accept that it is not working for me and I have to move on. 

I am very disappointed that I came here, except for receiving one considerable advice. I seriously wanted someone to rescue me and us. I like my friend so much but we do have so many arguments. Then, she closed her door to communicate with me after she found Asperger’s friend...although we tried to fix our friendship before.

People here seem to think of only person with Asperger’s. They never think of or imagine that others who want to have better relationship with Asperger’s people. They keep telling me how much they suffer but never think about how much their friends suffer too.......I now know that this is typical Asperger’s people’s perceptions.

I did not come to here to feel being attacked or guilty but to gain sensible advice.....I wish I could have actual examples how others manage to make or develop their relationship...

However, I still do believe that appreciation and gratitude are the most important for us to live. Therefore. I try to appreciate that I have met my friend, that I met various opinions here including hostile ones and that I learned no wonder it is so hard to create great relationships with Asperger’s people.

Please, people with Asperger’s, remember that your friends or partner or family too struggle because it is difficult for them to understand you guys. 

I should not mention too much about her actual behaviours because it is kind of confidentiality. However, I am not the only one to shout....

Thank you for making me feel guilty. 

Save yourself and run for the hills!  

...........must behave myself.....

Meh

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oktanol said:

Disappointing would be quite a judgement, expecting someone to do things better

Oi. I resemble that...

Although, it does rather depend on what is intended:

"I am disappointed in you"

Vs.

"That is not the outcome I had envisaged."

With 20/20 hindsight I suppose folk are likely to read the words, "that's disappointing", but comprehend "you're disappointing". 

You're right to quibble though, since I mis-quoted you. 

PS. I found out how to see your comments again, Oktanol. Thanks.

To Octa.... I am sorry that I cannot remember your username. Your response has disappeared...

I want to say a real thank you for what you told me. Your subtle and genuine words and expressions considering both my and my friends situations and emotions healed my sad mind greatly. You did not make me feel guilty for not understanding my friend and for my behaviour....

This is my very personal perception but putting labels on others or classifying people by differences, illnesses and so on do not make any sense because we are different from each other anyway.

I think that I will have a break for a while and try not to jump into conclusion, which is to end up friendship with her. Maybe, not being so serious creates much better solutions.

Thank you so much again for your sensible and considerable opinions. I do appreciate it.

And I'm sure (have evidence) that even NT people only keep 2 or 3 real friends around... maybe they just have more place in their brains and agenda's for the 'palls'... Autists like to keep that space for factual knowledge ...

I think you're trying to find out if ending a friendship with an autist will get you or her injured... I lost almost all male friends after they met their wife and settled down. I always managed to say something you shouldn't say in social interaction. That's that, if a friendship is that fragile, it was probably better of to not exist. I'm sure NT-people also have a special folder in their brain for 'real friends' and 'just palls'...  It's just that for autists the 'just palls' is really not much more than a stranger you know a little bit better, like a shopkeeper, or a waiter of your favourite restaurant ;) 

I don't actually find it disappointing, just sad. Disappointing would be quite a judgement, expecting someone to do things better, but we can all be hurt, confused, sad, disappointed, hopeless, struggling, overwhelmed too - none of that is reserved to "NDs". 

Also, there’s a difference between feeling different and being different. Not because of appearance or ability but because our brains literally work different to nt’s. You may have bonded initially because you shared the feeling of being different and being in a minority, but the difference is, you still know you’re a human being. Before we get our diagnosis we are doing everything we can to appear neurotypical, to appear like a normal human being, even though we don’t feel like a human being and it’s so exhausting, but nobody sees that. When we finally get the answer to why we’re not like other people, we can stop trying, but with support snd understanding we can learn to ‘fit in’ but in our own way, being ourselves, which won’t necessarily look like other people. We have to be allowed to be ourselves, it’s crucial to our survival and now your friend is learning about who she is, you could help her by saying you’d like to get to know the real person and have a friendship with her. She won’t ever be the person you thought she was, because that was her mask, her false self she created to help her survive in the world, but underneath all that, is the real person, who you bonded with and made a friendship with. She needs time and lots of support to come to terms with the diagnosis. Even if we were expecting it, it can still come as a shock. She’s lucky she has a friend like you and if you help her to keep the friendship going, she will be the best friend you could ever wish for. But right now she needs support and understanding and reminding of what she can do and not what she can’t do and that she’s valued for who she is, not for how she behaves or what she can give you. She needs a friend right now. 

Like octanol, I too think that's rather disappointing. From what you've said I saw little evidence that your former friend only wanted to connect with people on the spectrum.

Did you actually try the template I wrote out above with her? You might find that you both get on better if you are able to understand each other's positions, motivations and responses better.

If she thinks you are just going to shout at her again, it's not surprising she isn't taking your calls. Wouldn't you do the same?

Why not try mentally putting this person aside for a while, so you can cool off and she can process what she needs regarding her recent diagnosis? It is a lot to go through, and she will be needing support herself, not demands from other people.

You could always send her a card or something in a few months, to say sorry for shouting, and ask how she is doing?

Hi, that does seem quite sad now. Maybe it is the best decision you can make, but maybe there is also something in between. Giving it a bit of time and see what happens perhaps? You seemed to get something out of your friendship until your friend was diagnosed, didn't you? She may be a bit overwhelmed right now by finding that there actually other people that tick like her in areas where she felt like a misfit so far. I certainly found this rather mind-blowing and it seems to happen to quite a few people when they are new on here. But somehow there must be some connection between the two of you too, so perhaps after a while and calming down a bit she will also find those important again? Have you told her that you value her as a friend, and that it makes you sad to lose her? Quite plain, I mean, because she may not be so great picking up subtle comments.

To me it actually sounds like you are really nice person to be friends with (and from your description she did too), and not being a therapist I think you are perfectly entitled in a friendship to also have needs and get a bit stroppy when things are not great for you and so on. And while it might be true that she had been putting a mask on for a long time and you liked the mask rather than her in some aspects, I think it is o.k. to be sad and frustrated about this, somehow it's a loss for you after all, and that takes some time to accept. There are probably things you can only accept or give up on your friendship, the focusing on details thing for instance and losing sight of the bigger picture, that's a pretty typical Aspie thing. She's probably not aware how much that irrititates you. Maybe you need to tell her that the exact word you used may not be totally correct, accept her correction if it makes sense (because that may matter to her and she can't just let go of it until it's perfect), but then tell her that you really want to talk about the issue rather than the word. Seeing things black and white, right or wrong, that's another typical thing - maybe knowing about this helps to get less frustrated about it?

Like you I'm not convinced of that me ND - you NT attitude either because even though there are distinct differences in some aspects the separation line is artificial, neither "NDs" nor "NTs" are all the same within their group, and all are human more than anything else. So looking at it that way, I think it's o.k. not to accept what you called "fixed ideas" above. Maybe having rather rigid ideas about certain things (while maybe being unexpectedly flexible about others) is a typical Aspie thing too, but if she says she can't do something because she has Asperger's then it's probably worth to find what the problem is. Like Tom's example with the night club - that's pretty clear, that may not be for her, now she understands why, so makes an informed decision that she can't do it. That kind of sensory stuff can't just be switched off and working against it is very exhausing. But this may not be the kind of thing you were talking about. Maybe it helps to remind her that you thought she was amazing at those things before and ask why she doesn't think she's able to do it now any longer - essentially being told you are not normal (by means of diagnosis) is quite a big shock (even if she doesn't seem upset about it) and may have made her feel more different from others than she actually is, or in more aspects than she is. Don't think reminding her of things you thought she could do well is a matter of you trying to make her be someone she isn't.

Anyway, it's totally up to you of course, but given that you both had some difficult time maybe this would be a good reason to forgive each other some less pleasant behaviour. Seems strange to me that her psychiatrist recommends to drop you instead of encouraging her to explain the things you may not understand so far.