I've been clean from sh for nearly a month and recently its been getting a bit difficult again to keep going because im starting o realise that everyone around me sees me as autistic and that's it. I'm not my own person, I don't get to choose who i am and I am who I am because of autism. Everything about me and everything I do, say, feel, think, how I react and treat people and how im treated is all because im autistic. My whole person and life is the way that it is because of autism and I don't have a choice at all in any matter of it and I absolutely resent it. Everything I've ever done is a result of me being autistic and thinking in the way that I do because of it and I hate that I never got or will get the choice to be myself and detach from it because its always going to be who I am and I won't ever be or know of the person I could've been if I wasn't autistic.
The other day, i read the indepth report that was written two years ago when i got diagnosed and I realised that my parents, the school and the examiners all saw me as an "android" who never changes my facial expression and cant express empathy when someone is hurt. They described me like a psychopath who only cares about dressing "skimpy" and refusing to provide insights on what's going on inside my head. They got a lot of sensitive things wrong in this report, and although it was two years ago when a lot of it was true and happening, I was portrayed in a completely different light than reality. And to this day im still treated like im behind everyone else and I do appreciate the things that people do differently for me to understand things and feel secure, I just hate the fact that im never going to be seen as a person away from the autism - that's all i am and without it i wouldn't even exist because every single thing has cause and effect and consequences and reasons to why its happened, just because of this.
Its all really becoming clear now to me and its making me feel really bad again and I cant seem to get out of it, and I think its going to get worse and its scaring me. I don't know what anyone will say to this or if it'll even get read but I just have no one and I have no where else to go.
