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I think im getting depressed again

waterhorse

I've been clean from sh for nearly a month and recently its been getting a bit difficult again to keep going because im starting o realise that everyone around me sees me as autistic and that's it. I'm not my own person, I don't get to choose who i am and I am who I am because of autism. Everything about me and everything I do, say, feel, think, how I react and treat people and how im treated is all because im autistic. My whole person and life is the way that it is because of autism and I don't have a choice at all in any matter of it and I absolutely resent it. Everything I've ever done is a result of me being autistic and thinking in the way that I do because of it and I hate that I never got or will get the choice to be myself and detach from it because its always going to be who I am and I won't ever be or know of the person I could've been if I wasn't autistic.

The other day, i read the indepth report that was written two years ago when i got diagnosed and I realised that my parents, the school and the examiners all saw me as an "android" who never changes my facial expression and cant express empathy when someone is hurt. They described me like a psychopath who only cares about dressing "skimpy" and refusing to provide insights on what's going on inside my head. They got a lot of sensitive things wrong in this report, and although it was two years ago when a lot of it was true and happening, I was portrayed in a completely different light than reality. And to this day im still treated like im behind everyone else and I do appreciate the things that people do differently for me to understand things and feel secure, I just hate the fact that im never going to be seen as a person away from the autism - that's all i am and without it i wouldn't even exist because every single thing has cause and effect and consequences and reasons to why its happened, just because of this.

Its all really becoming clear now to me and its making me feel really bad again and I cant seem to get out of it, and I think its going to get worse and its scaring me. I don't know what anyone will say to this or if it'll even get read but I just have no one and I have no where else to go.

  • waterhorse said:
    I don't get to choose who i am

    Welcome to you waterhorse, it is good to get the opportunity to get to know you better.

    Here, you can choose who you are, plus, how you prefer to share that knowledge with us in the Community (as, and when, you become comfortable to do so - there is no pressure or rush associated).

    There are lots of different members of the Community to be found here - I think you will discover that we are of all different: ages, interests, backgrounds and lifestyles. 

    Many of us live in the UK, although we do have a lot of international members too.

    You have freedom and control to choose who you are with us, plus, how you would like to introduce yourself to us: your own outlooks, passions and curiousity about new things.

    Many of us here know and understand (either first-hand from personal experience, or by supporting a loved one with similar experiences); that life can sometimes include a mixture of tough low times and challenges (among other moments which are to be enjoyed, shared and celebrated).

    While each of us is most definitely an individual - to be celebrated, embraced and valued as such for that uniqueness (our experiences might vary a bit from one another - which can sometimes help us to learn from each other), there are also often some experiences of navigating life and our respective Autism presentations which can provide some common themes of: visibility, acknowledgement, recognition, understanding, support signposting and advocacy.

    I am sorry to hear you are currently living through a really tough time.  It sounds like you have worked really hard to stay clean over the last month.  I am hoping that, before long, you will become more comfortable among us here and that people can begin to get to know more about you (absolutely nothing to do with either some medical records, nor the judgement of others - as you have a clean slate here - to illuminate as you choose, when you choose, on your own terms!).

    I also would like to think the fact that we are all of different adult age groups here; might, in time, become another source of hope and inspiration for you - as we demonstrate, by our lived experience, that we definitely exist across each of those age groups - as we all find our respective (and collective) way through our life stories.

  • Dear Waterhorse,
    Thank you for posting and tell the community what you are going through. We are sorry to hear that you feel that your depression has come back.
    The National Autistic Society does not currently operate a crisis or emergency service. We advise you to contact 999 or any of the crisis lines listed on our Urgent Help Page if you or anyone else is at risk of immediate harm: www.autism.org.uk/what-we-
    do/help-and-support/urgent-help

    You may find it useful to contact the following:
     Shout: the UK's free, confidential and 24/7 mental health text service for crisis support | Shout 85258

    Contact Us | Samaritans

    It may also be worth taking a look at:

    Seeking help - this has some really good advice on how to seek help for mental health concerns

    Depression

    Thank you for reaching out. 


    Best wishes,

    Olivia Mod

  • Hello.

    Forget the label for a moment. You are who you are. Autism is not hiding that.

    Have the courage to let go and see who you are and could be. Stand up tall and don't be sorry. You are not a victim and you have to avoid thinking like that.

    You are focussing on negatives and problems instead of positives.

    Try to reframe it and write down what you can do and are good at.

    The report may note some negative things because that is what it is for. But that is not all you are, or all you can be.

    Think of one good thing you can do for yourself tomorrow and do it. Do this every day and note how you make progress. Things add up.

    Take one new thing you would like to do, break it down into steps and see if you could start. 

    You can do what you want. You just need to pick one, make it an interest, study it, then do it. The only person holding you back is you. You just need to take small steps, not get overwhelmed, build confidence and be who or you want.

    I know it is hard, and the hardest bit is starting, but take control and you will feel better.

    We all have challenges, but you can be strong. You know it is in you really.

  • I don’t really have anything helpful to say, but I have read this and I am here (although about to sleep). It sounds like you are having the toughest time. I hope someone can say something more helpful and comforting.