ASD & not wanting to do things / struggling in friendships & relationships

I totally can relate, I'm the same. I'm even worse though because add severe ADHD to that and you have me, with a constant tug of war in my head!

And yes, I can certainly relate to that 'feel' of particular people. I met three such people at university who gave me that 'feel', each one worse than the other. I find it very difficult to trust people. The only person I completely trusted has recently died (my grandmother). I've never been in a relationship too (despite wanting it so much). 

I am also very repetitive- you're describing exactly how I function. It is weird for me though since I have ADHD and those two just contradict each other. That sensitivity is also very similar to mine. Some people, places, even music just sets off instant anxiety for me. With me, it goes a step further and some things cause me actual, physical pain when I think about them. 

Don't force yourself to go out or join loud societies. I tried that and that resulted in a horrific bullying incident in my university which resulted in me being suicidal, my mental health destroyed, my best friend left to pick up the pieces of me in her spare time all the while listening how scared I am of her, my university forcing me to go to the OIA to resolve it and so on. The £1500 bribe my university offered did little to make me feel better. 

I just focus on my best friend and maybe talking to just a few people I'm involved with. My ASD causes me to be afraid of social situations otherwise, and my ADHD makes it even worse. 

Don't know about others, but I respect you for not drinking. Really. Don't drink either. 

Just try talking to maybe 1-2 people you might like at first. I started that way- I'm involved with running a very small university society and also wanted to join the autism society too, and nothing else as I focus on my studies and that one girl I'm friends with. I'm very sure that this will be much more productive than what I did last year. 

And I'm prepared to bet that if I ever met you in real life, I would say that you are NOT boring. I also feel I'll never be in a relationship because every girl I meet will say 'He's weird' about me...but not everyone is like that. 

You'll definitely find what you want. Don't be disheartened :)

Hi, thank you so much for your comment, I honestly thought I was the only one to experience this so its really nice to know I'm not !

I'm so sorry to hear that your grandmother died. I can't image how hard it must've been to lose the one person you really trusted. 

I can relate to what you were saying about people, places & music setting off anxiety. It's like I have to have total control over all aspects of my environment in order to feel okay, which isn't really compatible with socialising. For me I wouldn't say the pain was physical, but more psychological. I just want to escape or curl into a ball and have my memory erased. As if something very traumatic happened to me, only it hasn't. 

Thank you for your advice, it's reassuring to hear that & has taken the pressure off about drinking and going out :) I'm sorry to hear about your experience at university though- that sounds terrible! 

I try to keep my circle small, and I will only socialise one on one with people. I do feel kind of like I'm always on the side-lines a bit - no ones first choice really because I'm more of a backup friend for people. I don't mind it too much because I'm happy spending a lot of time alone but it would be nice to have friends that were exactly like me in that way. 

I do struggle a lot when it comes to navigating romantic relationships because I'm not prepared to be flexible in the ways I do things (my routines, places I go/avoid, socialising etc.) and most people don't understand this. I try to explain but they don't fully understand how restrictive it is, and then I feel bad when they realise, almost as if I've lied to them or led them on.

Anyway, thank you for relating and for the advice! Hope everything is okay with you :)

Hi, thank you so much for your comment, I honestly thought I was the only one to experience this so its really nice to know I'm not !

I'm so sorry to hear that your grandmother died. I can't image how hard it must've been to lose the one person you really trusted. 

I can relate to what you were saying about people, places & music setting off anxiety. It's like I have to have total control over all aspects of my environment in order to feel okay, which isn't really compatible with socialising. For me I wouldn't say the pain was physical, but more psychological. I just want to escape or curl into a ball and have my memory erased. As if something very traumatic happened to me, only it hasn't. 

Thank you for your advice, it's reassuring to hear that & has taken the pressure off about drinking and going out :) I'm sorry to hear about your experience at university though- that sounds terrible! 

I try to keep my circle small, and I will only socialise one on one with people. I do feel kind of like I'm always on the side-lines a bit - no ones first choice really because I'm more of a backup friend for people. I don't mind it too much because I'm happy spending a lot of time alone but it would be nice to have friends that were exactly like me in that way. 

I do struggle a lot when it comes to navigating romantic relationships because I'm not prepared to be flexible in the ways I do things (my routines, places I go/avoid, socialising etc.) and most people don't understand this. I try to explain but they don't fully understand how restrictive it is, and then I feel bad when they realise, almost as if I've lied to them or led them on.

Anyway, thank you for relating and for the advice! Hope everything is okay with you :)

Same here, I can be tricked and manipulated extremely easily. Happened many, many times in the past, and each and every time I feel into the same 'trap'. I appear to have lack of awareness of it when it happens. 

With me, I'm very well known for finding it extremely difficult to talk to people my age. But as people get older, it becomes easier. The easiest people to talk to for me were elderly people- this has been noticed in my childhood. And I totally get that- I also feel like I'm stuck in a different era! I look for the exact same things in people as you and value maturity. I also really crave safety in friendships and relationships. Unfortunately, after Lifesaving, I lost the ability to feel safe with others. 

I totally get that. I myself don't know why I got involved with founding another society in the first place- there's one person who gives me the same anxiety as some others before. But it's so small surely it can't be that bad...

Same here. I am extremely rigid and stubborn about so many things. In many of them I become impossible to reason with, probably to my detriment. I feel like you just haven't met the right person yet--in my own life, everything since 2022 seemed like solid darkness until I met a few I got along with, and then my best friend after, who by this point has shown herself to be so caring she almost treats me as if I was her brother. And yet she's not quite what I wanted, either...

And there will always be people like that. My friend has tolerated my autism, my ADHD and several of my worst-ever anxiety spirals, one of which took place in front of her. She just keeps coming back and reassuring me all the time. Probably the nicest thing she ever told me was 'You're as perfect as it gets emotionally'. And I know if I ever feel there's an emergency, I can text her '7700', and she'll be there for me. 

If ASD is annoying to me, ADHD is like a vile disease to me. It is a bit like my personal MCAS pushing me into an anxiety dive- it has caused so many problems over the years to me I treat it as if it were a plague. I'm easily distracted, I'm incredibly forgetful, I'm impulsive and often blurt out what I feel before thinking (this week that resulted in me upsetting my best friend and she started blaming herself for scaring me whereas it was entirely my fault), I'm prone to losing everything, and I just want medication to deal with it as soon as possible. 

All it does is it upsets everyone around me. 

Don't be! Always happy to help :):) 

You're welcome!

I get that, about trusting others. I'm a very private (?) person around everyone, even my parents who I'm really close with, and I don't fully trust very many people at all. I am very cautious about people and I have to be because I think I could be easily manipulated, without necessarily realising. 

Thanks for saying about finding quiet people interesting. I agree with what you said, and I'm the exact same with valuing maturity. I basically have the lifestyle and mindset of a 70 year old woman lol and I look for the same in others (which is very very rare in other people my age!). I look for people I feel safe with and know I can rely on if I needed to. 

My university does have an autistic society and I did go to it once or twice, but I found I couldn't really relate to those people either. Although to be fair, I probably didn't give them much of a chance ! 

I'm glad I'm not the only one who struggles with romantic relationships. I also push people away, because I know my autistic traits are not conducive to a relationship. (E.g. I'm naturally a very quiet person & don't have a lot to say. I could easily go all day without talking but this is seen as boring or uninterested. I have rigid routines and am not prepared to compromise on my boundaries). When someone shows romantic interest in me, if it it comes across even the slightest bit forceful or desperate, I immediately want to get as far away from them as possible. I think this might be a PDA thing possibly? I can imagine I'd have the same issue if it came to them initiating intimacy, or just affection. It's very frustrating because I don't want to be stubborn or seem not interested. 

I'm also very particular when it comes to people and I get told that a lot, but I find it hard enough existing on my own let alone with someone else! Thank you for understanding, I really appreciate that. And I'm glad your best friend seems to really get you and is accepting :)

I'm curious to know how your ADHD affects your relationships, if you don't mind sharing? Only because I'm being assessed for ADHD but I can't tell which traits are ASD vs ADHD!

Anyway, im so sorry for the massive rant! Don't feel you have to respond, these are just my thoughts :) 

thanks again

You're really not- there's a lot of people who feel the same way as us :)  

Thank you for that comment. It was more to just say I have insane difficulty with trusting others. I'm unable to be completely honest with my best friend (despite her total acceptance of my disabilities), even my mother, etc. 

I feel the exact same way. I for a long while was participating in a society called 'Lifesaving' which caused absolutely nonstop anxiety for me. Everything about it set me off, and it was almost as if I felt what was about to happen, if that makes sense? And, just like you, I also need to feel in 'control'. Travelling in the UK by train is near-impossible for me these days because of that...

The pain only becomes physical in really extreme cases (I do also have these horrible dreams in which I can feel pain. Today for instance someone broke my arm and then my thigh in my dream, and I felt everything). In the other cases I feel like you- I also do badly want my memory to be erased at time, particularly between October and November 2024 inclusive. 

There's so much pressure about drinking or getting physically intimate in university these days it's just awful. My year 1 flat went a step further than that and, instead of shaming me for not drinking, shamed me for being unable to recognise 'intimate terminology'. They seemed to then enjoy writing scenarios about me and a girl who actively encouraged that sort of behaviour... take my word for it, the people who shame others for not drinking or not doing the above are NOT normal and they do not deserve a second of your time! 

In my social life, there's only my best friend I really go out with a lot, and some others I periodically stay in touch with, mostly online. Comes up to about 4 to 5 people. The way my brain is set up makes it prone to hyperfocusing on just one person (my best friend) and, had it not been for all those horrible memories, that would have already been enough, even though it isn't really fully what I hoped would happen between us. 

If it helps at all, I find 'quiet people' curious and interesting. One of the things I value the most about people is maturity. I would have approached you out of interest if we ended up in the same place and I saw you on the side, not talking to anyone. I'm autistic but I'm also naturally curious, and seeing someone enthusiastic about something is usually enough for me to develop a genuine interest in that myself :)

Does your university have an autistic society? 

I've never had a romantic relationship either, as apparently my combination of ASD and ADHD pushed everyone away without exception of both genders and I have also pushed people away for being too interested in physical intimacy or other, more personal dislikes. My current best friend is the first person who I feel has fully accepted me outside my family. And I entirely understand what you mean... there was a girl in 2022, nice, kind, interesting, and I wasn't interested because of just one thing about her I didn't like. And she was really trying to get my interest as well. I fully understand you. 

And with you too :)