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ASD & not wanting to do things / struggling in friendships & relationships

h0n3y

Hi,

So I've always struggled with socialising and having friends, mainly because of anxiety and anything that I wouldn't normally do seems terrifying to me. In order for me to feel okay in someone's presence, I have to trust them completely and know them really well. Even then, I don't like going out at all really (when all of my friends go clubbing, to concerts, on holidays etc.)

I used to think it was just an anxiety thing but now I think it's more related to my autism and the fact I need control and consistency in my routines, predictability, and that I'm very introverted and a private person. It's never bothered me too much, but I'm 20 now and have never been in a relationship, never really had close friendships because I avoid them, and I don't let people get close to me. 

I also am not sure if this I just me or if anyone else can relate but I have a thing where I don't like the 'feel' of particular people and places. My life revolves around this and it's for this reason that I have to stick so rigidly to my routines. I have to rewatch the same programs, go to the same places, see the same people, etc. at particular times to immerse myself into the right 'feel'. I don't know how else to describe it, other than everything being wrong and completely shifting, I can't stand it. This happens whenever I meet someone new and have to be around them a lot, or when I have to be in a new place (or somewhere that I don't like the 'feel' of. It's almost painful and unbearable, all I want to do is get as far away from it as possible. I'm not sure if anyone will know what I'm going on about because I've never heard anyone else talk about it! But it really does control my life, and it doesn't feel like an anxiety thing- ive had it my whole life and it's kind of an inbuilt response. 

Anyway, I just don't know what to do or how to fix the way I am? Part of me wants to be the kind of person to go out (although I find it almost impossible to be in groups of people - I just go silent and end up feeling even more alone & isolated), go to concerts etc. but any time I try to push myself to do things out of my comfort zone I absolutely hate it because its not what I really want to do. But I feel like im wasting my life and not doing what im supposed to be doing. I also don't drink so everyone treats me like a child.

It really gets in the way of me forming relationships etc because people leave when they realise im actually very boring (despite appearing like I would do those things), or they are just a bit disappointed. I'm not sure how I will ever be able to be in a relationship when I am like this.

Does anyone have any suggestions, or can anyone else relate?

Thank you 

Parents

  • I totally can relate, I'm the same. I'm even worse though because add severe ADHD to that and you have me, with a constant tug of war in my head!

    And yes, I can certainly relate to that 'feel' of particular people. I met three such people at university who gave me that 'feel', each one worse than the other. I find it very difficult to trust people. The only person I completely trusted has recently died (my grandmother). I've never been in a relationship too (despite wanting it so much). 

    I am also very repetitive- you're describing exactly how I function. It is weird for me though since I have ADHD and those two just contradict each other. That sensitivity is also very similar to mine. Some people, places, even music just sets off instant anxiety for me. With me, it goes a step further and some things cause me actual, physical pain when I think about them. 

    Don't force yourself to go out or join loud societies. I tried that and that resulted in a horrific bullying incident in my university which resulted in me being suicidal, my mental health destroyed, my best friend left to pick up the pieces of me in her spare time all the while listening how scared I am of her, my university forcing me to go to the OIA to resolve it and so on. The £1500 bribe my university offered did little to make me feel better. 

    I just focus on my best friend and maybe talking to just a few people I'm involved with. My ASD causes me to be afraid of social situations otherwise, and my ADHD makes it even worse. 

    Don't know about others, but I respect you for not drinking. Really. Don't drink either. 

    Just try talking to maybe 1-2 people you might like at first. I started that way- I'm involved with running a very small university society and also wanted to join the autism society too, and nothing else as I focus on my studies and that one girl I'm friends with. I'm very sure that this will be much more productive than what I did last year. 

    And I'm prepared to bet that if I ever met you in real life, I would say that you are NOT boring. I also feel I'll never be in a relationship because every girl I meet will say 'He's weird' about me...but not everyone is like that. 

    You'll definitely find what you want. Don't be disheartened :)

Reply

  • I totally can relate, I'm the same. I'm even worse though because add severe ADHD to that and you have me, with a constant tug of war in my head!

    And yes, I can certainly relate to that 'feel' of particular people. I met three such people at university who gave me that 'feel', each one worse than the other. I find it very difficult to trust people. The only person I completely trusted has recently died (my grandmother). I've never been in a relationship too (despite wanting it so much). 

    I am also very repetitive- you're describing exactly how I function. It is weird for me though since I have ADHD and those two just contradict each other. That sensitivity is also very similar to mine. Some people, places, even music just sets off instant anxiety for me. With me, it goes a step further and some things cause me actual, physical pain when I think about them. 

    Don't force yourself to go out or join loud societies. I tried that and that resulted in a horrific bullying incident in my university which resulted in me being suicidal, my mental health destroyed, my best friend left to pick up the pieces of me in her spare time all the while listening how scared I am of her, my university forcing me to go to the OIA to resolve it and so on. The £1500 bribe my university offered did little to make me feel better. 

    I just focus on my best friend and maybe talking to just a few people I'm involved with. My ASD causes me to be afraid of social situations otherwise, and my ADHD makes it even worse. 

    Don't know about others, but I respect you for not drinking. Really. Don't drink either. 

    Just try talking to maybe 1-2 people you might like at first. I started that way- I'm involved with running a very small university society and also wanted to join the autism society too, and nothing else as I focus on my studies and that one girl I'm friends with. I'm very sure that this will be much more productive than what I did last year. 

    And I'm prepared to bet that if I ever met you in real life, I would say that you are NOT boring. I also feel I'll never be in a relationship because every girl I meet will say 'He's weird' about me...but not everyone is like that. 

    You'll definitely find what you want. Don't be disheartened :)

Children
  • in reply to hypercolius

    Hi, thank you so much for your comment, I honestly thought I was the only one to experience this so its really nice to know I'm not !

    I'm so sorry to hear that your grandmother died. I can't image how hard it must've been to lose the one person you really trusted. 

    I can relate to what you were saying about people, places & music setting off anxiety. It's like I have to have total control over all aspects of my environment in order to feel okay, which isn't really compatible with socialising. For me I wouldn't say the pain was physical, but more psychological. I just want to escape or curl into a ball and have my memory erased. As if something very traumatic happened to me, only it hasn't. 

    Thank you for your advice, it's reassuring to hear that & has taken the pressure off about drinking and going out :) I'm sorry to hear about your experience at university though- that sounds terrible! 

    I try to keep my circle small, and I will only socialise one on one with people. I do feel kind of like I'm always on the side-lines a bit - no ones first choice really because I'm more of a backup friend for people. I don't mind it too much because I'm happy spending a lot of time alone but it would be nice to have friends that were exactly like me in that way. 

    I do struggle a lot when it comes to navigating romantic relationships because I'm not prepared to be flexible in the ways I do things (my routines, places I go/avoid, socialising etc.) and most people don't understand this. I try to explain but they don't fully understand how restrictive it is, and then I feel bad when they realise, almost as if I've lied to them or led them on.

    Anyway, thank you for relating and for the advice! Hope everything is okay with you :)