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Am I masking or is this a relationship problem?

Matcha

Hi, I'm asking this here because I don't really know who to ask for help about this. I've started dating a girl I really like, but now we've had a few dates I'm finding I'm having a strange problem. I've realised I have no idea how I'm supposed to act on a date when it gets past the initial first date, as this is my first relationship that's progressed past the first few dates.

When she comes over to my house she just wants to hold me and do nothing but say how much she likes me, and she talks about wanting to hear my voice and spend time with me. I know it's genuine, and I also really like her, but I don't know how to react. Like... she only wants to spend time with me? She genuinely only seems to want to spend time with me and I don't know how to react. Like, she doesn't want to watch a movie too, or do something with me? I'm confused at how she can like me so much she doesn't want to do anything else but be with me and I'm worried that she might pick up that I'm being too quiet or not saying the right thing on the date and get upset or something, and I won't know what to say.

I feel guilty for writing this, but I also don't want to let her down by her figuring out I have no idea how I'm supposed to act on dates, and know something needs to change. Can any other AuDHD women on here relate?

  • I can understand why you have the heebie jeebies, even if they're good heebie jeebies.

    Does she know you're ND? If not then explain it to her and say that when she's says how much she likes being around you, you're not sure how to respond and this is a new experience for you and will take a while for you to become accustomed too. Then maybe you could work out a shorthand between you, so when she tells you how much she wants to be with you, providing you feel the same, could you use a word like "ditto". After a while you could even just say "ditto" to her out of the blue and hopefully she will know what you're saying without having to get all th words out?

    I'm not sure how good any advice from me is as I'm a disaster area when it comes to relationships.

  • in reply to Stuart333
    Stuart333 said:
    You can't be masking as you don't know what to do. Masking is a where you are consciously doing something.

    I’m afraid you’re mistaken. As the NAS explains:

    “Masking is a strategy used by some autistic people, consciously or unconsciously, to appear non-autistic.”

    There’s some useful information about masking here:

    NAS - Masking

  • Edit, I just realised where this is posted, you might not want my perspective. I'll leave it anyway, in case it is useful, otherwise you can ignore.

    +-+-+-+

    She doesn't want to watch a movie because she wants to interact with you, not look at a screen.

    I don't think you have any problem.

    I would just enjoy being close and talk. This is how people get to know each other. Ignore the internet, it is not about money and being fancy, it is about connection. You need to did our what she is interested in.

    If she wants to hear your voice and you run out of ideas, you could read something together, a book, newspaper, internet, etc. 

    If you want to do something, you could suggest it, but it needs to be something you can do together, ideally more than just siting there. You wanting it to have some interest, something where you can get some pictures and something you can talk about later, could be museum, art gallery, walk in the park or beach, visit to something interesting.

    Best thing is just to be you.

    Perhaps she is just waiting for you you to kiss her.

    You can't be masking as you don't know what to do. Masking is a where you are consciously doing something.

    If you are replaying conversations later, analysing them, planning what to say next time, scripting, then this is part of it. If you reach the point where you are scared to speak and have to over think before answering anything, this is exhausting.