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Struggling to have friends at uni (& in general) and struggles with MH

h0n3y

Hi, I'm 19 and I've recently been diagnosed with ASD, so I'm still in the process of working out which aspects of my personality/behaviours are ASD or whether I am actually just a terrible person and maybe I need to do something about them.. I also am generally quite an anxious person, and think I probably have OCD as well and I go over and over everything I've said and done wrong, in the hopes of reaching some conclusion. I hate the thought of being a bad person and not realising. I think I'm really annoying when I talk or interact with people and I worry about making people feel bad about themselves (as I think people sometimes misinterpret things I say, because of how I say them).

I've always struggled to make and maintain friendships. I'm quite a loner and very happy in my own company- I think this is partly down to being an only child and I'm used to being by myself. I could easily spend days and possibly even weeks without seeing anyone. I absolutely need time on my own, regularly, otherwise I will lose my mind, and I would say the maximum amount of time I can be around others is 4 hours, and then I'll need the rest of the day on my own to recover. I've actually managed to make a few friends at uni so far (I'm in my 1st year) and they are all really lovely but they are all extroverted, and want to spend time together 24/7. I have told them that I am autistic, and that I like being by myself a lot, but I don't think they fully understand the extent of this. I'm supposed to be living with one of my friends next year, but I'm worried about this as she feels lonely a lot, and will want to spend a lot of time with me (and with the others in our house). Does anyone have any advice on this? I don't want her to feel alone, and if I prioritise me needing time by myself, then that makes me really selfish. 

This is also slightly unrelated, but does anyone else feel like they aren't enough as a friend (or as a person in general, really)? I wouldn't say I'm depressed at the moment, but I just have absolutely no energy to give to anyone and so I feel even worse about myself for that. I don't naturally show much emotion, and just being around people is draining. I feel horrible for this, because I don't know why I can't just put in more effort- like I'm not trying hard enough. I don't feel I reciprocate enough or show enough interest, or help enough- I just exist. When I'm with groups of friends, I barely have anything to say at all, so I stay silent while everyone else is talking & laughing. 

Can anyone else relate?? I'm not sure if this is ASD, or maybe I just need to put in more effort :,)

Parents

  • I relate so much to a lot of what you’re saying! I had noticed this on reflection to when I was at university. I had mixed with different people, but I don’t think I could do always the 24/7 thing, and I didn’t notice the alone time boundary that I needed as much. It’s really good that you notice your needs. Recently I’ve got nervous because I’m with friends and I have little to say, and when I do say something, it sounds backwards, like I’m behind. 

    I think best thing a friend of mine said to me when I was opening up about my autism struggles is that “your friends who know you will be understanding about how you are”. I reflected that I was selfish for not being more involved with my friends, but that comment made me feel a lot more seen, and feel a little less guilty for being a “bad” friend.

    I hope that you have friends like this. Recently I try to make a list of people to see so on my end I can somewhat keep up with meeting people, so people don’t feel a way, but do it in a way that is manageable for me.

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  • I relate so much to a lot of what you’re saying! I had noticed this on reflection to when I was at university. I had mixed with different people, but I don’t think I could do always the 24/7 thing, and I didn’t notice the alone time boundary that I needed as much. It’s really good that you notice your needs. Recently I’ve got nervous because I’m with friends and I have little to say, and when I do say something, it sounds backwards, like I’m behind. 

    I think best thing a friend of mine said to me when I was opening up about my autism struggles is that “your friends who know you will be understanding about how you are”. I reflected that I was selfish for not being more involved with my friends, but that comment made me feel a lot more seen, and feel a little less guilty for being a “bad” friend.

    I hope that you have friends like this. Recently I try to make a list of people to see so on my end I can somewhat keep up with meeting people, so people don’t feel a way, but do it in a way that is manageable for me.

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