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Struggling to have friends at uni (& in general) and struggles with MH

h0n3y

Hi, I'm 19 and I've recently been diagnosed with ASD, so I'm still in the process of working out which aspects of my personality/behaviours are ASD or whether I am actually just a terrible person and maybe I need to do something about them.. I also am generally quite an anxious person, and think I probably have OCD as well and I go over and over everything I've said and done wrong, in the hopes of reaching some conclusion. I hate the thought of being a bad person and not realising. I think I'm really annoying when I talk or interact with people and I worry about making people feel bad about themselves (as I think people sometimes misinterpret things I say, because of how I say them).

I've always struggled to make and maintain friendships. I'm quite a loner and very happy in my own company- I think this is partly down to being an only child and I'm used to being by myself. I could easily spend days and possibly even weeks without seeing anyone. I absolutely need time on my own, regularly, otherwise I will lose my mind, and I would say the maximum amount of time I can be around others is 4 hours, and then I'll need the rest of the day on my own to recover. I've actually managed to make a few friends at uni so far (I'm in my 1st year) and they are all really lovely but they are all extroverted, and want to spend time together 24/7. I have told them that I am autistic, and that I like being by myself a lot, but I don't think they fully understand the extent of this. I'm supposed to be living with one of my friends next year, but I'm worried about this as she feels lonely a lot, and will want to spend a lot of time with me (and with the others in our house). Does anyone have any advice on this? I don't want her to feel alone, and if I prioritise me needing time by myself, then that makes me really selfish. 

This is also slightly unrelated, but does anyone else feel like they aren't enough as a friend (or as a person in general, really)? I wouldn't say I'm depressed at the moment, but I just have absolutely no energy to give to anyone and so I feel even worse about myself for that. I don't naturally show much emotion, and just being around people is draining. I feel horrible for this, because I don't know why I can't just put in more effort- like I'm not trying hard enough. I don't feel I reciprocate enough or show enough interest, or help enough- I just exist. When I'm with groups of friends, I barely have anything to say at all, so I stay silent while everyone else is talking & laughing. 

Can anyone else relate?? I'm not sure if this is ASD, or maybe I just need to put in more effort :,)

  • I relate so much to a lot of what you’re saying! I had noticed this on reflection to when I was at university. I had mixed with different people, but I don’t think I could do always the 24/7 thing, and I didn’t notice the alone time boundary that I needed as much. It’s really good that you notice your needs. Recently I’ve got nervous because I’m with friends and I have little to say, and when I do say something, it sounds backwards, like I’m behind. 

    I think best thing a friend of mine said to me when I was opening up about my autism struggles is that “your friends who know you will be understanding about how you are”. I reflected that I was selfish for not being more involved with my friends, but that comment made me feel a lot more seen, and feel a little less guilty for being a “bad” friend.

    I hope that you have friends like this. Recently I try to make a list of people to see so on my end I can somewhat keep up with meeting people, so people don’t feel a way, but do it in a way that is manageable for me.

  • I’m in the same place, I’m moving away from family to stay in the halls and like you I’ve always struggled making friends, due to my awkwardness, anxiety, past bullying experiences and just because of me not feeling “cool” enough even though I don’t know what that even means

  • in reply to Clariss

    Hi Clariss, thank you for your message and for sharing that :) 

    How are you feeling about uni now? I was terrified and kept overthinking it but now I am really glad I decided to go. 

    I know you didn't ask for advice.. but personally what helped me was telling the uni (and my friends when I was getting to know them) about my autism. It meant that there was less pressure on me and I felt able to explain and not have to mask as much. Also, my uni offered an early induction, so I could move in a day before everyone else, which made the biggest difference to me as meant I could get settled and comfortable with the change of environment without the added chaos of other people! It also meant I got to meet similar people when I arrived without it being too intense. 

    I also found it helpful to have the mindset that it's okay if It doesn't work out, or if I want to drop out. I know it's not ideal but it was better to not have the pressure of feeling I had to stay there, and made me feel less trapped. 

    Anyway, sorry for the unsolicited advice! But I wish you all the best, good luck with everything ! 

  • in reply to Iain

    Hi Iian, thank you so much for your message, I did read it ages ago but I completely forgot to respond- I'm so sorry!

    It all worked out okay in the end, as one person I was supposed to be sharing the house with decided to pull out at the last minute, and in the end we all decided to go back into uni accommodation (which will suit me much better!).

    I also discussed it with my friend, as you suggested, and she was very nice about it. I don't expect her to understand but she respects my boundaries :) 

    I agree with what you said about becoming self-centred with ASD - that's very true and something I'm trying to work on. It's difficult when our world revolves around external stimuli being so constantly overwhelming, as well as having to reflect on ourselves so much because of things we do that are 'wrong'.

    Your advice was really helpful as well, thank you so much for taking the time to respond! 

  • Hi  , i just wanted to say that am going to uni next year but i cannot relate more to what you've said. Thank you so much for sharing, it makes me feel less alone. I have also just been diagnosed.

  • h0n3y said:
    I'm supposed to be living with one of my friends next year, but I'm worried about this as she feels lonely a lot, and will want to spend a lot of time with me (and with the others in our house).

    I would have a discussion with your friend around this to help manage her expectations on what you can provide in terms of time / energy. Make it clear that this is a symptom of your autism and try to explain how it feels when you run out of energy.

    A good friend will listen, try to understand and will do their best to accommodate your needs.

    I notice you say you will be living with a group of others - can you cope well with the noise, smells and inconvenience of this - think about several people playing music loudly while other shout over it, people bringing in curries after a night out drinking, others leaving the bathroom in a mess or having no hot water left when your time comes to shower, finding the bathroom occupied when you need to wash / go to the toilet and the delay will make you late for something etc.

    Group living tends to be very challenging for autists and I never really found it pleasant - the lack of peace was the biggest issue for me.

    First year at uni is a great time and most people are open to meeting new people, experimenting with things (food, drink, drugs and sex to name a few more universal ones)

    If your uni has any therapy services available then I would recommend speaking with them to get someone to talk to about your autism. You may find some psychology 3rd years are keen to help and work with you as part of the practice then need of working with patients and in return you may learn for good techniques to help cope better.

    h0n3y said:
    I don't feel I reciprocate enough or show enough interest, or help enough

    In this case I would suggest focussing on the things that will be seen by others so you are seen as trying. Keep close tabs on your energy levels but try to also find the positives in the shared situations, ways you can gain energy through the interactions and learn where your jigsaw piece fits best in the bigger picture there.

    I always found thinking positively about the situations, being curious (without committing to get overly involved) and giving positive feedback / avoiding complaining or criticising were the most effective ways to be a positive part of the house collective.

    We do become very self centered due to the way we experience the world so a process of changing our perspective can be the most effective way to make this work for us.

    Good luck.

  • Dear h0n3y,

    Thank you for sharing this with the community. While we are waiting for the community to respond, you may want to take a look at our pages about making friends, https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/family-life-and-relationships/making-friends

    Thank you. I hope this helps!

    With all good wishes,

    Eunice Mod