Hi, I'm 19 and I've recently been diagnosed with ASD, so I'm still in the process of working out which aspects of my personality/behaviours are ASD or whether I am actually just a terrible person and maybe I need to do something about them.. I also am generally quite an anxious person, and think I probably have OCD as well and I go over and over everything I've said and done wrong, in the hopes of reaching some conclusion. I hate the thought of being a bad person and not realising. I think I'm really annoying when I talk or interact with people and I worry about making people feel bad about themselves (as I think people sometimes misinterpret things I say, because of how I say them).
I've always struggled to make and maintain friendships. I'm quite a loner and very happy in my own company- I think this is partly down to being an only child and I'm used to being by myself. I could easily spend days and possibly even weeks without seeing anyone. I absolutely need time on my own, regularly, otherwise I will lose my mind, and I would say the maximum amount of time I can be around others is 4 hours, and then I'll need the rest of the day on my own to recover. I've actually managed to make a few friends at uni so far (I'm in my 1st year) and they are all really lovely but they are all extroverted, and want to spend time together 24/7. I have told them that I am autistic, and that I like being by myself a lot, but I don't think they fully understand the extent of this. I'm supposed to be living with one of my friends next year, but I'm worried about this as she feels lonely a lot, and will want to spend a lot of time with me (and with the others in our house). Does anyone have any advice on this? I don't want her to feel alone, and if I prioritise me needing time by myself, then that makes me really selfish.
This is also slightly unrelated, but does anyone else feel like they aren't enough as a friend (or as a person in general, really)? I wouldn't say I'm depressed at the moment, but I just have absolutely no energy to give to anyone and so I feel even worse about myself for that. I don't naturally show much emotion, and just being around people is draining. I feel horrible for this, because I don't know why I can't just put in more effort- like I'm not trying hard enough. I don't feel I reciprocate enough or show enough interest, or help enough- I just exist. When I'm with groups of friends, I barely have anything to say at all, so I stay silent while everyone else is talking & laughing.
Can anyone else relate?? I'm not sure if this is ASD, or maybe I just need to put in more effort :,)
